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My wife seems to be okay with my Mother as long as she has no opinion on anything she shuts her down fast on most subjects. Example will be my wife will get on the subject of Illegal workers my wife thinks they should be just rounded up and sent back. My mom is more liberal and says oh but they need jobs too. My wife gets really fired up and basically says in my house my opinion is fact . My mom has learned to stay away from those subjects that get my wife fired up and I try to be the referee.
I'm sorry, but I think your wife is a rude, mannerless little snot. "My house, my opinion is fact"? WTF? No one is allowed to DISCUSS other opinions in your home? Your wife sounds like an intolerant PITA. Did she ever learn the art of polite conversation, where you converse with other people, learn their opinions, try to understand them, and then agree to disagree?
And to do that to your MOTHER -- the mother of her husband, her children's grandmother? This is her idea of being a gracious hostess, of welcoming people into her home? Being so obnoxious that her own husband feels a need to referee a conversation? In your wife's world, apparently the only safe topics of conversation are the weather -- and even then, she'd probably pick a fight if it was sunny and someone said there was a chance of rain!
IMO, MIL's, on some level, harbor resentment toward the woman who wins her son's heart. They know they'll be second fiddle from now on, and no one will ever be "good enough." To have differences of opinion on politics just makes it worse.
You think so? I disagree.
My MIL adores me. I adore her. When her son and I started dating seriously, she asked him, "This is the one, isn't it?" To which he replied -- "You'll be the third to know, after her and her mom!" She just laughed. During our five year off-and-on dating history, she and I were always friends. She welcomed me into her home and her heart from the beginning, and my husband has often joked that he better never divorce me, because if he did, his entire family would side with me. She didn't tell anyone she had an appendectomy a week before our wedding, because she didn't want people to fuss over her at our wedding. From day one, I wasn't her daughter-in-law, I was another daughter. Period. One time, we went shopping, and I was trying on some clothes when the saleclerk came in with a shirt and said, "Your mom wanted you to try this on." My MIL came up behind her, and started to say, "Oh, I'm not her mother . . . " but I just smiled and said, "Oh, thanks! She's got a good eye, doesn't she?" We had a good giggle over that one. :-)
My son is a young adult, now, and I assure you -- all I want for him is his happiness, and if he finds a young woman who makes him happy, I will be delighted to welcome her into our family. I can only pray that I'm as good a MIL as my own MIL has been for me - I would love to have another daughter! My son and I are close -- but I would count it as having done a poor job as a parent if I didn't raise him to be an independent man able to have a close, loving relationship with a young woman.
I agree that it's a dominant thing....Mom was #1 in her son's life until wife came along. Now wife is #1, mom keeps trying to assert her place in the family, and it ends up in power struggles.
I'm sorry, but I think your wife is a rude, mannerless little snot. "My house, my opinion is fact"? WTF? No one is allowed to DISCUSS other opinions in your home? Your wife sounds like an intolerant PITA. Did she ever learn the art of polite conversation, where you converse with other people, learn their opinions, try to understand them, and then agree to disagree?
And to do that to your MOTHER -- the mother of her husband, her children's grandmother? This is her idea of being a gracious hostess, of welcoming people into her home? Being so obnoxious that her own husband feels a need to referee a conversation? In your wife's world, apparently the only safe topics of conversation are the weather -- and even then, she'd probably pick a fight if it was sunny and someone said there was a chance of rain!
Well we don't have kids or plan on having kids so no Grandmother thing. I follow stage coach rules no religion or politics conversation and that usually keeps arguing down to minimum. I shut them down when we get on those subjects.
After reading some here seems like MIL and Wife fighting is still common.
The mother and father of my ex-boyfriend treated me like gold. And I loved them both. They were sweet, good-natured, funny people.
The parents of my current SO didn't take to me as much, lol. His mother and I got along okay, only because we didn't let our true feelings come out. I tried hard to make it work, after all it's an important relationship, but it was never going to happen...
My mother adores one of my SIL's. The other one, not so much.
I don't think it's the situation so much as the people involved.
Last edited by SeaOfGrass; 05-18-2015 at 03:32 AM..
My MIL adores me. I adore her. When her son and I started dating seriously, she asked him, "This is the one, isn't it?" To which he replied -- "You'll be the third to know, after her and her mom!" She just laughed. During our five year off-and-on dating history, she and I were always friends. She welcomed me into her home and her heart from the beginning, and my husband has often joked that he better never divorce me, because if he did, his entire family would side with me. She didn't tell anyone she had an appendectomy a week before our wedding, because she didn't want people to fuss over her at our wedding. From day one, I wasn't her daughter-in-law, I was another daughter. Period. One time, we went shopping, and I was trying on some clothes when the saleclerk came in with a shirt and said, "Your mom wanted you to try this on." My MIL came up behind her, and started to say, "Oh, I'm not her mother . . . " but I just smiled and said, "Oh, thanks! She's got a good eye, doesn't she?" We had a good giggle over that one. :-)
My son is a young adult, now, and I assure you -- all I want for him is his happiness, and if he finds a young woman who makes him happy, I will be delighted to welcome her into our family. I can only pray that I'm as good a MIL as my own MIL has been for me - I would love to have another daughter! My son and I are close -- but I would count it as having done a poor job as a parent if I didn't raise him to be an independent man able to have a close, loving relationship with a young woman.
I think that MIL's and DIL's not getting along wonderfully is very common, and I think there must be a general underlying reason, yes. I gave my theory as to what it is, based on my own experience. I never said it was true of all MIL-DIL relationships.
You get along with you MIL. Congratulations. Many people don't.
That's great you guys get along I want to say my Mom and wife do get along 90% of the time actually my wife is very caring to her she takes off from work and calls her when my mom had a bad flu I didn't even know. They used to fight a lot more but that was when my mother was living with us because she lost her retirement in the 2008 recession a fraudulent investment. She was so depressed lived with us for 2 years. My wife just got so tired of her being here all the time I had to ask my Mom to find her own place it was the hardest thing I could do but things worked out. My mom lives a mile from us she is close enough I can go there anytime but not here all the time. Now that was 5 years ago they get along just fine but once in awhile they get into it little.
It sounds like your Mom and wife are doing fine. The frictions seem normal and my compliments to all of you for having a seemingly supportive and largely harmonious family. Not an easy task.
My wife and my mom got along great. Never a conflict. Sometimes I think my mom liked my wife more than me. I think it tends to happen more when you have one or more women that are the controlling type. That's when the fun begins.
There are many reasons why there are problems between MIL's and DIL's.
I assure you, when my son, told me he was going to ask his gal to marry him, I was so excited, I almost cried tears of joy, b/c I couldn't wait to have a DIL...
Have always wanted more children, but was unable to...
I don't know what happened, but we (DIL) and I, got off on the wrong foot. And due to that, there were many painful years missed. It was the most horrible time in my whole life....
What I've learned is this....
Not all MIL's and DIL's are the same.
I was really very close to my son...and I know he spoke of me a lot to his gal....so I don't know if that intimidated her? I was way to assuming she would love me instantly, as I loved her, but didn't know her well, b/c we had not spent to much time together.
So, actually didn't think anything would change...ever, just thought I'd be gaining a daughter, but believe now, that was my mistake. She certainly didn't want anyone helping her...or giving her advice...and I know now that DIL's feel when mother's give advice, what they are really saying is...."your doing it wrong". I was not, and feel a lot of MIL's don't mean it that way....what MIL's are saying, is, I love you just as much as my son does and I want to help...however, DIL's are very excited to set up their own homes, they have their own set of rules and boundaries, and we MIL's, don't even consider that...we are used to being mom's, and we just take over without any invite from DIL...so that is the first mistake.
And then of course, all I wanted was to love her and have her love me, really couldn't wait to have a daughter...but it was all wrong.
What I do know, is...I made a lot of mistakes, and thanks be to God, we are well on our way to having a wonderful relationship and I never, ever want it to change. To me, my son, chose her, so instantly I assume she is my blood...and that is the way it was with me....
I did a lot of things not at all intentional, that hurt the relationship....I wasn't able to understand, that not everyone thinks and feels the way I do about things...nor was I able to understand, that she had boundaries, which she should. That is her home, her husband and now she is to be his priority...
In other words, this is now HIS life, he is no longer my baby, but a full grown man...and different strokes for different folks.....you cannot second guess your DIL, you must always show her the respect to ask....
here are some pointers...
Never ever go thru son, always include her when asking permission to go visit to show her the respect that you realize, your going to be a guest in HER home.
Never assume, she wants you to clean....that would be taken as an insult or that you are telling her, her home is dirty...don't ever do that.
Never ever show up unannounced, always call first, and not at the last minute. Make an appointment, to make certain, they don't have plans or company, you don't want to barge in on company.
Always ask, I cannot impress this enough....
Remember, this isn't just your son's home, it is also, another human being living there, who will change your son's ideas about how they are going to do things their way and not yours.
Sometimes, in very rare ocassions, DIL's are not intimidated by their MIL's....b/c they get along very well and understand each other....but, not everyone is the same, nor does everyone have the same feelings about things, so, it is best for the mother's of sons, to sit back and observe and wait to be invited....
or ask her first how she feels, and if it seems to upset her, take notice and ask her if another time would work better....always be accomodating so that it doesn't inter fer with her plans....
Funny thing is.....I'm a loner, and hate being smothered, however, I sure smothered my DIL...and not intentionally either....I love her so very much...she has so many marvelous qualities. Once during the time when we were all fighting about this, my son told me, that actually she and I were a lot alike in several ways. Well, I can tell you now, from my heart of hearts, that was one of the nicest compliments my son ever gave me, b/c she is such a versatile, intelligent, caring & kind hearted person.
Love her dearly and wish she was my daughter...b/c I am so proud of her....
words cannot describe how happy I am that my son found her....
Last edited by cremebrulee; 05-18-2015 at 10:45 AM..
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. My mom has learned to stay away from those subjects that get my wife fired up and I try to be the referee.
She didn't tell anyone she had an appendectomy a week before our wedding, because she didn't want people to fuss over her at our wedding. From day one, I wasn't her daughter-in-law, I was another daughter. Period. One time, we went shopping, and I was trying on some clothes when the saleclerk came in with a shirt and said, "Your mom wanted you to try this on." My MIL came up behind her, and started to say, "Oh, I'm not her mother . . . " but I just smiled and said, "Oh, thanks! She's got a good eye, doesn't she?" We had a good giggle over that one. :-) 
