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For those close to 40s and up (and single of course), I want to get your take on social life.
I am essentially there, and from what I've gathered it's kind of like this...
1) My friends with families I either never see, see a couple of times a year, and in most cases I expect that I will essentially never see them.
2) I have a couple of old friends still without kids (but are married or living with someone), but we also hang out less often, and in lesser quantity. It's more of a few drinks or brunch for a few hours here and there. And I am kind of far from them/
3) Meetup groups have nice people, but they are essentially transient socialization. It's kind of like shooting the sh*t with people you haven't kept up with, or know very well.
4) Maybe I'll get some dates and they'll fill random weekend nights.
5) Time with parents and siblings fills some time, but is a different thing.
All in all, it feels like a very unnatural, pieced together social life. Grab something to fill this weekend, grab something to fill that weekend. It's not like you're calling up your buddies and saying "Hey, what are you doing this weekend?" I don't think I've made a friend that I would consider a GOOD friend I could do that with in years.
Of course, getting a GF/wife essentially solves this, but leave that out for now.
I am married but have a group of people over every Tuesday night. There is a single guy in his late 40s and a single guy in his mid 50s in the group. They have friends galore, and they do things with them. Golfing buddies, baseball game buddies, etc.
Sounds like you need to make some like-minded friends!
I am married but have a group of people over every Tuesday night. There is a single guy in his late 40s and a single guy in his mid 50s in the group. They have friends galore, and they do things with them. Golfing buddies, baseball game buddies, etc.
Sounds like you need to make some like-minded friends!
Is it in a group though?
That sounds like meetup groups. I do that, but it's just different. It's like hanging out with a whole bunch of your co-workers.
Like in my 20s and 30s, I had a group of different friends I could just call up and see what they were doing. I knew what they were up to in life and vice versa. Meetup friends feel like fringe friends. They are there for the events and the group, not necessarily to talk to you. It can be OK, but it's different.
Nope, not a meetup. Just friendships they have formed through mutual friends, classes, etc. Basically, they put themselves out there!
One took a fly-fishing seminar, and got a fishing buddy that way. He even goes to Canada annually with some other local guys to fish.
He also like to golf, and he made many friends on the course. He calls (and is called) when a body is needed for a foursome.
The other guy is not sportsminded, but academic. He sits in on college lectures and found like-minded people that way. He also docents, does re-enactments, etc.
Our group is Bible study. We did not know these guys before they decided to join our study group. Now they are our friends too!
isn't a meet-up a way to meet people? You know at least one thing you have in common. Get a phone number, or even just ask someone it they want to go for coffee after the group thing is over.
Nope, not a meetup. Just friendships they have formed through mutual friends, classes, etc. Basically, they put themselves out there!
One took a fly-fishing seminar, and got a fishing buddy that way. He even goes to Canada annually with some other local guys to fish.
He also like to golf, and he made many friends on the course. He calls (and is called) when a body is needed for a foursome.
The other guy is not sportsminded, but academic. He sits in on college lectures and found like-minded people that way. He also docents, does re-enactments, etc.
Our group is Bible study. We did not know these guys before they decided to join our study group. Now they are our friends too!
Quote:
Originally Posted by PAhippo
isn't a meet-up a way to meet people? You know at least one thing you have in common. Get a phone number, or even just ask someone it they want to go for coffee after the group thing is over.
Hmm. Yea, I do put myself out there because I do meetup groups and I almost never turn down invitations from people to do things.
Maybe I feel I need to fill the void created by my good friends having families and leaving my life.
I find it next to impossible to make new close friends in adult age. Interestingly enough, the only ones I have made are ex-girlfriends. But I know that won't be able to last. And one of my them is leaving the area next month.
I did want to get some other people at a similar age and situation to chime in though.
For those close to 40s and up (and single of course), I want to get your take on social life.
I am essentially there, and from what I've gathered it's kind of like this...
1) My friends with families I either never see, see a couple of times a year, and in most cases I expect that I will essentially never see them.
2) I have a couple of old friends still without kids (but are married or living with someone), but we also hang out less often, and in lesser quantity. It's more of a few drinks or brunch for a few hours here and there. And I am kind of far from them/
3) Meetup groups have nice people, but they are essentially transient socialization. It's kind of like shooting the sh*t with people you haven't kept up with, or know very well.
4) Maybe I'll get some dates and they'll fill random weekend nights.
5) Time with parents and siblings fills some time, but is a different thing.
All in all, it feels like a very unnatural, pieced together social life. Grab something to fill this weekend, grab something to fill that weekend. It's not like you're calling up your buddies and saying "Hey, what are you doing this weekend?" I don't think I've made a friend that I would consider a GOOD friend I could do that with in years.
Of course, getting a GF/wife essentially solves this, but leave that out for now.
Opinions?
1000% relate to this. Found myself divorced at 40. Was living in a good city for singles then (Atlanta), but unemployed and heartbroken over the divorce. I dated some, but was clinically depressed and unemployed off and on for 3 years. Moved to Oklahoma City for a job at 44 and was still single. Well, this is NOT the place for a single guy older than say 30. I'm now 46 trying to hold out hope for having a family of my own. Probably not going to happen now and its just awkward for me socially now. EVERYONE here is married. 90% of the people I work with are married and the ones who aren't, I wouldn't hang out with. I'm in a new city where if you didn't grow up here, well, good luck. You're not going to break into the social circles here. Add my age to that equation, and its a nightmare.
I've resigned myself to the fact that now that my career is back on track, I have to move. But even if I move to a more desirable city for dating/socializing, its going to be much harder because of my age. It just sucks that I've missed my window of opportunity for having a family. I hate being single, and living where I do/my age just exacerbates it.
Lastly, I don't have any family support, so I'm completely alone as far as that goes.
In general it seemed to me people got married later in life on the West coast than the East or midwest, so maybe heading out West?
I get the loneliness. I didn't get married till my mid 30ies and I know roughly where the op is coming from. I also had friends in their 40ies who really struggled with loneliness.
I think the key is finding your passion and pursuing it. Now that I'm married I LONG sometimes to have the free time I used to. I'm in Infotech and there is always something to new to learn. Also sometimes I just feel like hopping in my car and taking a road trip, which is much harder to do now than when I was single. Plus married life comes with it's own headaches...let's just say sometimes I'm jealous of my still single friends, even though married life in my opinion is better.
The passion thing...if you can find something that fascinates you, that will enthrall you, then go after it 100%. The meetups are a good thing though I agree about the transientness...but still sometimes you can get lucky and meetup with some friends or even potential dating material.
I dealt with my loneliness and excess free time by constantly being out...coffee shops, book stores (those are becoming fewer), movies by myself (it is easy to do after the first two or so times you do it), internet (like this forum now), hiking, hanging out with friends and family when I could (though the older you get that gets harder because everyone gets wrapped up in their own deal...try to find ways to integrate into their lives where you aren't a burden but an asset beyond just them liking you are not), etc...
Ultimately if you do not feel fulfilled being single you probably aren't meant to be. But you still might have a bit of a wait. Pray about it and pursue finding someone. Don't settle but don't have standards that are unobtainable either.
And if you have the personality to remain single, man you can accomplish so much. Regardless the less you focus on the loneliness and more into finding things to focus on, the more less needy you might come off and the available females will pick up on that.
Also, no crime against going after younger women. The appreciate older men more. What I did and it worked finally What is the French rule? Half your age plus 7 is the ideal companion.
And the family thing. I'm 44 and about to have my first kid (wife is much younger). I know because I'm not young it is going to be harder on me (sleep deprivation, constantly going and never stopping for the first 5 years of the kids existence). I know others who have done it older. Plus in this day and age there are so many single mom's out there who have kids who need a father figure. Something I thought I'd never consider but I've got friends who have stepped in that role and they seem happy, and they are filling a void in those children's lives that is priceless. Plus you may get to forgo the poop factory stage of a child's existence which some appreciate
Chin up man. Life still has joys for you, look for them.
1000% relate to this. Found myself divorced at 40. Was living in a good city for singles then (Atlanta), but unemployed and heartbroken over the divorce. I dated some, but was clinically depressed and unemployed off and on for 3 years. Moved to Oklahoma City for a job at 44 and was still single. Well, this is NOT the place for a single guy older than say 30. I'm now 46 trying to hold out hope for having a family of my own. Probably not going to happen now and its just awkward for me socially now. EVERYONE here is married. 90% of the people I work with are married and the ones who aren't, I wouldn't hang out with. I'm in a new city where if you didn't grow up here, well, good luck. You're not going to break into the social circles here. Add my age to that equation, and its a nightmare.
I've resigned myself to the fact that now that my career is back on track, I have to move. But even if I move to a more desirable city for dating/socializing, its going to be much harder because of my age. It just sucks that I've missed my window of opportunity for having a family. I hate being single, and living where I do/my age just exacerbates it.
Lastly, I don't have any family support, so I'm completely alone as far as that goes.
That sucks. Thanks for the input. Do you want children? I think if you don't, you should be able to find a woman when you are over 40.
Quote:
Originally Posted by infocyde
In general it seemed to me people got married later in life on the West coast than the East or midwest, so maybe heading out West?
I get the loneliness. I didn't get married till my mid 30ies and I know roughly where the op is coming from. I also had friends in their 40ies who really struggled with loneliness.
I think the key is finding your passion and pursuing it. Now that I'm married I LONG sometimes to have the free time I used to. I'm in Infotech and there is always something to new to learn. Also sometimes I just feel like hopping in my car and taking a road trip, which is much harder to do now than when I was single. Plus married life comes with it's own headaches...let's just say sometimes I'm jealous of my still single friends, even though married life in my opinion is better.
The passion thing...if you can find something that fascinates you, that will enthrall you, then go after it 100%. The meetups are a good thing though I agree about the transientness...but still sometimes you can get lucky and meetup with some friends or even potential dating material.
I dealt with my loneliness and excess free time by constantly being out...coffee shops, book stores (those are becoming fewer), movies by myself (it is easy to do after the first two or so times you do it), internet (like this forum now), hiking, hanging out with friends and family when I could (though the older you get that gets harder because everyone gets wrapped up in their own deal...try to find ways to integrate into their lives where you aren't a burden but an asset beyond just them liking you are not), etc...
Ultimately if you do not feel fulfilled being single you probably aren't meant to be. But you still might have a bit of a wait. Pray about it and pursue finding someone. Don't settle but don't have standards that are unobtainable either.
And if you have the personality to remain single, man you can accomplish so much. Regardless the less you focus on the loneliness and more into finding things to focus on, the more less needy you might come off and the available females will pick up on that.
Thanks for the input. Yea, you totally get where I'm at. Social life feels like such hard work. I do a lot of those things you suggest, and I actually do have a passion, it just does not substitute for a social life.
That sucks. Thanks for the input. Do you want children? I think if you don't, you should be able to find a woman when you are over 40.
Yes, as I said I really want a family. In Atlanta, it was common to find women in the mid-late 30's who had never been married and wanted to get married. Here, thats old maid status. People get married at 24, on average. I have got to get out of here. I'm not looking very hard, despite really liking the company I work for. I just can't have no personal life. Its unacceptable. Hopefully my prison sentence here will end sometime later this year.
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What is the French rule? Half your age plus 7 is the ideal companion.
