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We are a retired couple who doesn't travel or socialize much. The main reason is my husband, who is nearly 75 and is content to be a homebody. He's never been very social. His only real friends are three guys that he went to high school or was in the Army with, and even then he almost never sees them, communicating mostly by e-mail.
One of those friends, who lives in Fresno, is having a 50th wedding anniversary celebration in September. We could easily attend, but my husband said no. So I declined the invitation. His reasons were that "the car is old (a 1993 subcompact), and I don't want to take it on a long trip" and "I don't have anything to wear" (the party is at a country club, so he thinks he needs to wear a suit).
I suggested that A. We could either buy a new car or rent one for the trip, and B. He should go shopping and buy himself a suit. I also think that he would be fine wearing a nice sports jacket, khaki trousers, a shirt and a tie. But he won't budge. He is not interested in either shopping for a new car or renting.
He also complains that since the only big and tall men's clothiers in town recently closed, he would have to drive a few miles out of town to shop for clothing. (Even when the men's store was still open, I had to shop for most of his clothing because he just won't do it for himself.)
Now the friend's wife has e-mailed me to question why we are not coming. She says that they are disappointed that we won't be there to share their celebration. She noted that another old friend is driving all the way from Washington State, but suggests that we can easily take the train as there is a shuttle to the hotel which is offering a special discount rate for the event. She also said that we are friends for life no matter what.
I am not sure how to respond to the e-mail. Any suggestions? The friends know that we don't travel, so it wouldn't be very believable to say we had travel plans. It's not my choice to decline the invitation, but I don't want to say that. I also don't want to make my husband look bad by giving the real reasons he doesn't want to go.
We are a retired couple who doesn't travel or socialize much. The main reason is my husband, who is nearly 75 and is content to be a homebody. He's never been very social. His only real friends are three guys that he went to high school or was in the Army with, and even then he almost never sees them, communicating mostly by e-mail.
One of those friends, who lives in Fresno, is having a 50th wedding anniversary celebration in September. We could easily attend, but my husband said no. So I declined the invitation. His reasons were that "the car is old (a 1993 subcompact), and I don't want to take it on a long trip" and "I don't have anything to wear" (the party is at a country club, so he thinks he needs to wear a suit).
I suggested that A. We could either buy a new car or rent one for the trip, and B. He should go shopping and buy a nice suit. I also think that he would be fine wearing a nice sports jacket, khaki trousers, a shirt and a tie. But he won't budge. He is not interested in either shopping for a new car or renting.
He also complains that since the only big and tall men's clothiers in town recently closed, he would have to drive a few miles out of town to shop for clothing. (Even when the men's store was still open, I had to shop for most of his clothing because he just won't do it for himself.)
Now the friend's wife has e-mailed me to question why we are not coming. She says that they are disappointed that we won't be there to share their celebration. She noted that another old friend is driving all the way from Washington State, but suggests that we can easily take the train as there is a shuttle to the hotel which is offering a special discount rate for the event. She also said that we are friends for life no matter what.
I am not sure how to respond to the e-mail. Any suggestions? The friends know that we don't travel, so it wouldn't be very believable to say we had travel plans. It's not my choice to decline the invitation, but I don't want to say that. I also don't want to make my husband look bad by giving the real reasons he doesn't want to go.
If this guy really is a friend, he probably knows your husband pretty well. Would it be so out of line to tell her the truth ...
"Well, you know Joe. He really has become a homebody. We hate to miss it but he is just not feeling up to making the trip."
Personally, I would not want to "live" an existence being held hostage like this. What would happen if you pushed your husband out of his comfort zone?
I would be honest. Just say you are both very disappointed you can't attend but there are too many obstacles in your way to make it feasible for you to attend. Thank her for the invite.
And I agree with Wmsn4life. Tell your husband you are going without him!
Thanks for your responses, Wmsn4Life and veuvegirl. What would happen if I pushed Mr. Bay out of his comfort zone? Well, he's very stubborn. He just won't be pushed. His personality is one that a psychologist would call "avoidant." If I may add another armchair diagnosis, I believe he also has generalized anxiety disorder. He clings to the familiar and doesn't like new experiences. For example, although we live in a city with literally thousands of interesting restaurants, he only wants to go back to the same three or four places over and over. Sticking to a safe, familiar routine is how he manages his anxiety. His mother was exactly the same way, so I can't help but wonder if his is an inherited trait.
I will probably use Mr. Bay's health as the obstacle that prevents us from attending. When I asked him just now what he wants me to say to his friend's wife, that was the answer he gave. He has an enlarged prostate and doesn't like to be very far from a bathroom. (Yes, I know there are medications for that. He won't take them! He already takes a number of heart and blood pressure meds and says that he "doesn't want to take any more pills.")
I'm married to a stubborn and anxiety-filled man as well, but I know how to get him off the dime if necessary. I rarely use this method and only when it's a really big issue.
I tell him his worst fear is going to come true unless we do the big-issue thing. His worst fear is that I will leave him.
As I said, not helpful. At 75, he knows you're not going to leave. And a reunion is not worth risking your marriage over.
Then it is a completely honest answer about health issues preventing you from making the trip as you said your DH doesn't like being far away from the bathroom....
Some folks have a hard time being around others --I know my ex husband was that way. He would come home from work and be content with being at home. We were invited to functions as a couple and if I wanted to go--I did have to go alone sometimes. I was expected to go to his work functions and I did. It was very frustrating. I loved to dance--he didn't. I talked him into going to a dance a civic group I belonged to was giving. I sat there wanting to dance, he knew it, he just would not. (Then at a wedding reception for his niece, his aunt came over and talked him into dancing with her.)
I must say that you come across as being very loving and patient rather than whining about the way your husband is. Many women (including myself) would have a hard time being as understanding as you seem to be.
I would be honest. Just say you are both very disappointed you can't attend but there are too many obstacles in your way to make it feasible for you to attend. Thank her for the invite.
And I agree with Wmsn4life. Tell your husband you are going without him!
We never went on any family vacations (except to visit relatives) but after I received an inheritance I decided to splurge and take our two kids and hubby to Hawaii. For weeks my husband refused to go (I have no idea why). He was very, very insistent that he would not go. I knew that it was important to our children to have at least one family vacation, plus I really wanted to go to Hawaii so I told my husband "Fine. If you don't want to go that is OK, but I am going and I'm taking the kids along".
I don't think that he really believed me until he heard me actually making the reservations, buying the plane tickets, etc. for just me and our two kids. He suddenly agreed to go.
You guessed it. He had so much fun that he considers that trip one of the absolute best experiences of his entire life.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-30-2015 at 06:05 PM..
Personally I would not lie about the reason he is not going but I also would not be a prisoner in my own home and not attend a celebration of a friend just because my husband does not want to go.
I would go by myself and refer any questions regarding his not attending to him so he can tell them he does not feel their friendship is important enough to celebrate such a grand occasion with them.
I'm married to a stubborn and anxiety-filled man as well, but I know how to get him off the dime if necessary. I rarely use this method and only when it's a really big issue.
I tell him his worst fear is going to come true unless we do the big-issue thing. His worst fear is that I will leave him.
As I said, not helpful. At 75, he knows you're not going to leave. And a reunion is not worth risking your marriage over.
A 50th Anniversay Celebration as stated in the original post is much more important than a "reunion".
If the OP want to go with or without her DH, she should.
I would insist that her DH tell the disappointed couple why he won't be going. The OP should not be enabling this behavior. If the guy won't go, let him tell the friend why.
The more this man avoids doing social things, the worse he will become. This is of course a disappointment to his wife. I hope the OP has a social life of her own, because her DH sounds like a hard person to live with.
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