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So, I recently graduated from college, and have moved back in with my parents. Not the best situation, but I'll make do. However, that means I am no longer spending time with my best friend from college, who I've lived with for two years (and have known for four). We've always been inseparable, but the last year took a toll on our relationship. He had severe depression which caused him to push me away towards the end of the year. He would erratic in social situations (for example, he would leave the bars or house parties and claim I was a bad friend and that I was ignoring him). Of course, as soon as I got these angry texts I would go home and try to console him (notice that he sent me a text after the fact, instead of trying to talk to me or at the very least call me), only to have him say things like "we should end our friendship", "why are we pretending", etc. At one point he even physically attacked me (I'm a lot bigger than him though, so his punches didn't hurt; nonetheless, it was the nature of the attack that upset me). And in many cases he would not allow me to bring certain friends over, putting me in extremely awkward social situations. I begged him to get professional help, but he absolutely refused.
So in short, during the last moments of college before our graduation he ruins all these nice moments. Then, after we've moved out and parted ways, he starts texting me constantly. It's to the point where it has gotten incredibly annoying. And not only that, but he puts me down. Neither of us have jobs, and we were both English majors, so he makes lots of doom and gloom statements about how we're screwed, when I don't really feel that way. And yesterday, enough was enough, so I blocked his number on an impulse. And now I feel terrible, because he is still my friend, and I know he is probably freaking out.
But I have so much resentment from what happened last year that I believe this friendship is toxic. I tried to help him improve his life (taught him how to lift weights, got him an internship where I was working), only to have this stuff backfire on me. For example, at my internship he started to undermine me (took my desk, criticized my ideas, made me feel like I wasn't doing a good job, etc.).
And not only that, but I also have suspicions that he is either in love with me or is sexually attracted to me at the very least. He's in the closet (not a problem, just a fact). He makes comments on my physique all the time, and I've noticed the way he looks at me. He buys clothes that look just like mine (I've had to change outfits before going out because we would be wearing the same exact thing). And now that we're not in the same place he'll send me texts like "I wish you were here". And possibly the biggest indicator, is that he would get extremely upset whenever I brought girls back to our house, and at one point he even kicked a girl out. Another time that sticks out in my mind is when I asked to borrow money for a date (I didn't think it would be a big deal; after all, I loan him money for the bars on a regular basis). But he told me no, because that would leave him all alone; "what am I going to do?" These instances alone don't constitute for much, but combined they freak me out.
I've been friends with him for four years, but after this past year I want some distance. Plus, we're not even in the same town anymore. Do we really need to text every day? Was I too rash to block his number? Am I the bad friend?
OP posted..."Do we really need to text every day? Was I too rash to block his number? Am I the bad friend?"
No, no, no.
When I was reading your posting I was thinking that this was a man/woman relationship. It does sound like he may be obsessed with you. Tell him that you need your space and to please respect that. You can say that it is very important your time be spent working and studying to get ahead and that you cannot be distracted. No lies there. The main thing I would think is to try and avoid confronting, attacking and arguing with this man as he sounds like he could be potentially dangerous. So, if after telling him that he still continues to text and try and contact you, send him a message which you forward to your email, or email him (so you have a record of your request) and tell him not to contact you anymore. If he continues to do so after that, you can file harassment charges against him with your local police station and/or FCC.
Get away from him as soon as possible. You need to get your life back and stop letting him have so much power and control over you.
Wow, OP... if this is your best friend, I would hate to see how your casual friends treat you!
Seriously, this is NOT how friends treat friends.
You want distance, and that is reasonable. So tell him that. And while it was okay to block his number, I personally would have told him why before I did so.
He needs to know where you stand on the relationship.
Reading your OP made me think of the movie Fatal Attraction.
He obviously has feelings that surpass the friendship level. This guy has control and jealousy issues regarding you, and it's unhealthy and toxic to you both. It's best to set your boundaries and start separating yourself from him.
Moving back in with your parents is probably your saving grace.
It sounds like you have more then enough good reasons to end the friendship. But I would urge you to tell him why. Not to open up a can of worms, or be judgy or blame him. but still be truthful and really cut it off. An email like that should only take a couple sentences. It shows your integrity to do it this way and it is most kind to him in the long run. And it really does end things.
After that block him on social media, cell, email, etc.
These instances alone don't constitute for much, but combined they freak me out.
Um, my take is that you put up with a whole lot of bad behavior. More than could ever be expected of a friend. Whether it's a sexual attraction or not, he's definitely got an unhealthy fixation on you. I hate to see friends come apart, but in this case it sounds like it would be better for both of you for you to distance yourself.
You might even send a note to his family saying that you're concerned for his well-being and that they should keep an eye on his behavior.
I thought about waiting till he contacts me on Facebook (which I feel is inevitable), but the more I think about it, the more I see that everyone is right; I should tell him why I blocked him now.
I was afraid of freaking out and hurting him, but I'm sure cold silence is probably way worse.
I'm glad to hear all of this from other people. I thought maybe I was being too rash.
I'm not a fan of cutting someone out entirely unless they were being abusive towards you. We all have our demons & skeletons in the closet. Show a little compassion & set boundaries.
Move on. He is acting in a way that makes you uncomfortable. He sounds unbalanced. If he is someone you care about, maybe you could give his family a heads up that he might need some psychological help.
Beyond that, you need to act in your own best interests, and do not let him hold you as a hostage by making you feel guilty.
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