Verbally Standing Up to People (husband, guilty, brother, personality)
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What helps me is to tell myself that the a-hole who is treating me unfairly has a LOT of problems, but that is not MY problem -- and that I should feel sorry for him or her for being such an awful person and/or having a miserable life, either now and/or in the past. I also realize that we ALL have bad days and most of us have probably acted like an a-hole at least one time in our life (and probably more than once).
That, and knowing who is really important in my life and whose opinions of me are truly important.
There's a lot of advice that recommends that you ignore rude comments or unfair accusations against you. "Don't get defensive" and all that. Looking back at confrontational situations I actually find the opposite to work better.
The times when I stood my ground, immediately and clearly expressed and defended my opinion or views - is when I felt good, my psychological well-being was kept intact and further verbal abuse did not occur.
The times when I tried to ignore "the nonsense" (no point in arguing with someone completely unreasonable or out of line, right?) from others or defended myself meekly and overall chose to take the high road - my psychological state was deeply compromised, abuse continued, I'd sometimes not be able to sleep at night and I would regret not defending myself decisively. And by defending I don't mean getting down to the level of insults - I just mean letting them know exactly how I see things.
Has anyone else had the same experience?
This can be a difficult situation. The rude bullying people will just keep going. It's also pointless to talk to them, be cause they won't listen. But if they want to know something that they have no business knowing, and or if they are trying to get you to do some thing you shouldn't do or don't want to do (such as "borrow" some thing) then tell them No even if you have to get loud.
On the other hand, if they wake you up from a very exhausting nap, then feel free to verbally attack them.
What helps me is to tell myself that the a-hole who is treating me unfairly has a LOT of problems, but that is not MY problem -- and that I should feel sorry for him or her for being such an awful person and/or having a miserable life, either now and/or in the past. I also realize that we ALL have bad days and most of us have probably acted like an a-hole at least one time in our life (and probably more than once).
That, and knowing who is really important in my life and whose opinions of me are truly important.
Yeah that whole "empathy" crap doesn't cut it for me. So he's making me feel like **** because he's a miserable bastard - fine, I get it, but the thing is he's STILL making me feel like **** and if I don't stand up to him not only will I continue feeling like **** he's also very likely to continue abuse.
Do not give others the power over you to "make" you angry.
Another may attack, provoke, intrude, or assail you. But one need not become "angry". One does need to rise to the occasion.
A great old saying is this: Keep your side of the sidewalk clean.
Provocation, verbal assault, is a call to throw up your boundaries, and defend them. No more and no less.
You do not have to enter the assailant's territory. You have to defend your own.
And prudent, careful language -- as compared to explosive reaction -- can enlarge your own territory while diminishing that of the assailant.
Others will observe and conclude that you are sturdy, resilient, self-respecting and calm. They'll respect that. They'll observe that the assailant is irrational, brutish, out of control, and unreliable.
Power -- subtle, modern, business world type power -- invariably shifts towards the one who holds his ground but maintains his composure, and away from the one who is out of control of himself.
Personally I think I agree that it's pointless to tackle a bully especially in this day and age when so many people out there are nuts. I wouldn't tango with a nut case. The amount of rage in our society today, being what it is, makes me leery to bother trying to go up against these people. Why bother? Who are they? Is it that important that you need to argue with that sort of person?
I had an issue with someone who was trying to start WWIII with me over politics and I stood my ground and the other person chose to cut off the relationship but I don't feel good about it. I was counselled that I should have let it go. Sometimes our serenity is worth more than being "right".
I think turning the other cheek ultimately is the better thing to do. I think ultimately it makes you the better person. There is really no glory in bragging about how you don't take any **** from others and how tough you think you are. That is no glory. It takes a better person to turn the other cheek and walk away.
There is always someone out there who is louder, badder, etc. and will win the argument, no matter what. They will keep at it just to win. That is how wars are started.
Yeah that whole "empathy" crap doesn't cut it for me. So he's making me feel like **** because he's a miserable bastard - fine, I get it, but the thing is he's STILL making me feel like **** and if I don't stand up to him not only will I continue feeling like **** he's also very likely to continue abuse.
Totally agree.
Someone shouldn't get a pass because they have issues. An adult can handle their issues without taking it out on other people. They won't learn until they are confronted.
I think it depends on who the person is...if it's someone at work, or a family member, then yes, clear the air (still no reason to get down in the mud with them though, I still take the high ground and try to be assertive, not aggressive).
But if it's some jerk in line at the store, or someone else insignificant to my life, I don't bother...life is too short. I like the line from "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff", where he says to ask yourself the question "Will this matter a year from now?" In most cases the answer is no.
I find when I engage with people who are miserable, it makes me feel miserable too. Especially if I acted like a person I don't want to be. I for one feel better letting the little things go.
There's a lot of advice that recommends that you ignore rude comments or unfair accusations against you. "Don't get defensive" and all that. Looking back at confrontational situations I actually find the opposite to work better.
The times when I stood my ground, immediately and clearly expressed and defended my opinion or views - is when I felt good, my psychological well-being was kept intact and further verbal abuse did not occur.
The times when I tried to ignore "the nonsense" (no point in arguing with someone completely unreasonable or out of line, right?) from others or defended myself meekly and overall chose to take the high road - my psychological state was deeply compromisedy, abuse continued, I'd sometimes not be able to sleep at night and I would regret not defending myself decisively. And by defending I don't mean getting down to the level of insults - I just mean letting them know exactly how I see things.
Has anyone else had the same experience?
Yes, I have the same problem,too.
If someone tells me I'm a b**** and I'm just looking at them and say nothing.
People yelling at for something I don't have control about, I tell them " Have a beautiful day with a big smile ( camera is rolling) that **** them off.
I had to learn to choose battles and so far it works for me.
Do not give others the power over you to "make" you angry.
Another may attack, provoke, intrude, or assail you. But one need not become "angry". One does need to rise to the occasion.
A great old saying is this: Keep your side of the sidewalk clean.
Provocation, verbal assault, is a call to throw up your boundaries, and defend them. No more and no less.
You do not have to enter the assailant's territory. You have to defend your own.
And prudent, careful language -- as compared to explosive reaction -- can enlarge your own territory while diminishing that of the assailant.
Others will observe and conclude that you are sturdy, resilient, self-respecting and calm. They'll respect that. They'll observe that the assailant is irrational, brutish, out of control, and unreliable.
Power -- subtle, modern, business world type power -- invariably shifts towards the one who holds his ground but maintains his composure, and away from the one who is out of control of himself.
^ Some great points made. I have also noticed that some people seem to enjoy getting into screaming matches - you can see it in their eyes.
I refuse to get into a screaming match with someone (I'm not going to waste my energy on them). After I have put my point of view forward, if they start screaming, I usually say "I am NOT going to argue with you about this anymore!"
It may be important that there are several things we are talking about here not just two (turning the other cheek or verbally returning fire).
I don't believe in turning the other cheek means that you are unable/cannot to respond to someone who is making "rude comments or unfair accusations" against you, but it does mean that you say only what is necessary to address the situation and move on.
I agree that I can't stomach staying silent. I can't let go that way. But I do feel better in the long run when I know I will be calm with whoever it is and no get into semantics or lose track of what the real point of the discussion. When the person starts to move the ball around I realize they are not concerned by whatever issue they raised but want to get "me" and then I disengage.
When this has happened in the work environment I raise the issue to a supervisor when necessary and I'm done with it. In personal life - I have more control and simply don't allow the person into my life anymore.
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Advice:
The rude bullying people will just keep going. 
It's also pointless to talk to them, be cause they won't listen. But if they want to know something that they have no business knowing, and or if they are trying to get you to do some thing you shouldn't do or don't want to do (such as "borrow" 
