Verbally Standing Up to People (person, senior, business, appropriate)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm a no nonsense bottom line kind of person. If you're rude, disrespectful, or mean to me I will be very verbal about it and sometimes to the point that I will make you cry. On the other hand if you're kind, nice, and a good friend that kindness will come back to you ten fold. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You choose and I will comply.
Yes, I have been there, OP. Even if the rude people are having a hard day, yatta yatta, you can bet they know who they can misbehave in front of, and who they can't. They will quickly learn that even if they are having a bad day, snapping at so and so is a bad idea.
I'm new to standing my ground, but a recent experience of mine had to do with a grumpy old guy who lives in my building. He's the building bully (senior building). He hangs out in the chairs in front of the mailboxes where everyone eventually goes to check their mail, and makes nasty comments to people. He takes over the community room with the TV remote and makes nasty comments to people, which has resulted in him pretty much having the community room to himself most of the time. What he usually does, is makes a mean comment, then says he's "just joking."
He would make weird comments to me, and at first I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but then I realized that they were comments always designed to make me feel bad. A comment about my zipper being down once (I'm a woman) and when I looked down at my pants, he said he meant the zipper on my vest. Weird, right? That's just one example.
Finally, one day he made a nasty comment to me and I turned toward him and gave him the hairy eyeball, and he said, "Hey, I was just joking!" So I finally, very firmly and fairly loudly said "Your joking feels like giving people a bad time and I don't like it!" He said, "Fine! I wont' talk to you anymore!" And I said, "Good!"
Now, when he sees me, he doesn't say a word. I hum while checking my mail, or going about my business in the community room and pretend he doesn't exist. It seems he puts himself in my way deliberately, but then I just hum a little tune and walk around him without ever getting eye contact. He no longer exists to me.
It feels powerful. Much better than giving some guy the benefit of the doubt, while checking my zipper, etc., and letting him make a fool out of me. He now knows that no matter why he's in a bad mood, he can't take it out on me anymore.
The times when I stood my ground, immediately and clearly expressed and defended my opinion or views - is when I felt good, my psychological well-being was kept intact and further verbal abuse did not occur.
Absolutely, 100 percent (bolded especially important). If you let it go, it'll come right back at you. Whenever you do what people don't expect, it throws them off their game -- and this kind of thing should never be a "game." Speak clearly, definitively, make direct, steely eye contact, and they will back off.
Pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Do I want to die on this hill?"
What I mean by that is that not everything is worth a fight, or even a comment. In my own personal life, I find that I'm the most reactive if I'm feeling insecure. When I am in a secure, healthy place (where I am now vs where I was when I was in my twenties), I am not spring loaded, or defensive, and I often react with mild amusement rather than anger when someone stumbles across my personal boundaries.
I just don't get mad easily any more. I used to be more sensitive to the "trespasses" of others than I am now and felt the need to "stand up for myself" more. Now days, I'm a lot more laid back. But I'm also a lot more secure in my decision making, in my skill set, in my place in life for that matter. I have learned how to control or remove the toxic elements and people in my life. My personal boundaries are very clearly defined in my mind and in my relationships. And I am able to be a lot more circumspect and introspective about my own reactions and feelings. I have come to realize that not all of my own gut reactions or emotions or even actions are necessarily "pure and noble."
For instance, I have a situation right now where my brother in law is sort of throwing his weight around as the "guardian" of my mother in law, but since he lives two hours away, it's actually my husband and I who are doing all the hands on tasks, the care for her, for her affairs, etc. So we get these emails from him with "directives" when the reality is that HE is the one who needs directives - we've got the situation under control and his emails with his "instructions" are nearly always simply recaps of our conversations with him in which WE told HIM what needed to be done!
In the past, I would have been more angry about his attitude. But now I'm more bemused. I guess I could come back at him and tell him "how the cow ate the cabbage" (whatever that means) or "put him in his place" or tell him that he has a lot of nerve bossing us around from a distance when we're the ones going to see her every day yada yada yada. But all that would accomplish is bad blood between the two brothers, and meanwhile our job duties wouldn't change a bit. So from a more mature perspective, my husband and I just laugh between ourselves at his brother's macho attitude, and we do what needs to be done - not for him, and not because he "told us to do it," but because we already know what my mother in law needs in the way of care, and we're able to do it for her.
So we do it, and then we come home and sit on the patio with a glass of wine, and laugh together about the whole situation, and we psychoanalyze his brother - LOL. And I am now mature enough to realize that the only reason I sometimes want to confront my BIL is because I don't like him feeling like he can "boss me around." In other words, it's my PRIDE that's hurt. My actual duties wouldn't change a bit regardless of his emails.
That doesn't mean that I don't firmly stand my ground. It just means that I don't take offense easily.
Sometimes we have to look at the big picture and weigh what is most important - "not putting up with stuff" or "getting stuff done in spite of the insecurities of others."
Choice! Another insightful and great post from you!
When someone says something rude to me, I just calmly smile, chuckle, and say "coming from you, that's a compliment". Shuts 'em up pretty quick as they try to figure out just exactly what I meant. By then, I'm usually gone.
As long as you stay calm and don't let your emotions get the best of you, I think it's fine to verbally speak out to defend yourself or "clear the air" when appropriate. Getting angry or upset is not standing up for yourself...it is actually a strong sign of weakness and instability (I.e. The other person got under your skin).
That said, while it's important to command respect, it is vitally crucial that you pick your battles wisely, as KathrynAragon mentioned in her great post. Also, choose your words carefully when faced with these sorts of situations...you don't want something taken out of context. In general, use good judgment. Many times, it is best to just walk away and forget about the whole thing. Sometimes, speaking out (even politely) can have bad or even dangerous consequences.
This becomes even more essential when you get a bit older and are married with kids. At that point, it's no longer just about you. Your actions may have adverse impacts on your family.
Walking away doesn't have to be meek. You can walk away with your head high.
A great way to defuse a tense situation where you are being insulted or verbally assaulted is to use kindness or humor. "Kill them with kindness." The real indicator of someone with a backbone is if he or she can just let things roll off of his back, and only get confrontational when absolutely necessary. He doesn't let others' barbs faze him.
I think standing up for yourself is closely intertwined with self-esteem.
Sometimes its best to ignore stuff and other times its best to stand up to stuff people say. Knowing when to do which is an art learned as one matures, IMO. When you do stand up for yourself, it is best to stay very calm, especially if you are female. State the facts, and do not do accusations or name calling. That is the quickest way to discredit what you say.
Personally I think I agree that it's pointless to tackle a bully especially in this day and age when so many people out there are nuts. I wouldn't tango with a nut case. The amount of rage in our society today, being what it is, makes me leery to bother trying to go up against these people. Why bother? Who are they? Is it that important that you need to argue with that sort of person?
I had an issue with someone who was trying to start WWIII with me over politics and I stood my ground and the other person chose to cut off the relationship but I don't feel good about it. I was counselled that I should have let it go. Sometimes our serenity is worth more than being "right".
I think turning the other cheek ultimately is the better thing to do. I think ultimately it makes you the better person. There is really no glory in bragging about how you don't take any **** from others and how tough you think you are. That is no glory. It takes a better person to turn the other cheek and walk away.
There is always someone out there who is louder, badder, etc. and will win the argument, no matter what. They will keep at it just to win. That is how wars are started.
I've turned the other cheek all my life and I know I'm the better person for it. I also hit my breaking point of it at 54 y/o. It gets you crapped on and taken advantage of.
I'm just now learning to stand up for myself and it feels good when I do it. I'm not rude, I'm just done being a doormat.
Just remember that you really can't take words back. When you feel the need to be assertive, remember that. In my opinion, it is imperative to remain calm and to retain your dignity.
My rule of thumb is this - don't burn a bridge unless there's absolutely nothing to lose on the other side. See, the thing is - I can remain calm and magnanimous because I have healthy self esteem and I have no trouble keeping my ultimate goal in sight.
For instance, say I get bad service from a retail store on a special order, and I have to deal with a lazy, rude, or incompetent person on the 'front line.' I can either go off on them, or calmly and professionally work my way up the authority ladder. Ultimately I want to know where my special order dishwasher is, and I want to get it delivered to my house and installed. Yes, I can go off on the person who is rude to me at the counter or on the phone - and I can complicate the whole situation with my dripping sarcasm or tit for tat, but that doesn't get my dishwasher found, delivered and installed.
Now - if I reach a point where I realize I'm not going to be able to accomplish my goal - KATIE, BAR THE DOOR. I am going to apply some napalm to the situation. But I won't do that unless and until I know that I can afford to burn that bridge.
The thing I like about this approach is that when I DO reach that point, I haven't expended all my **** and vinegar, and also - it takes people by surprise and really gets their attention. This is because up to that point, I've been very laid back and even sort of friendly most of the time.
Same with personal relationships. I could say all sorts of catty things to my husband - things that would be true, things that I might feel better about if I vented. Sometimes I am right and he is wrong and I could point that out. But you know what? I don't have to point them out to know I'm right. I don't have to say everything just because it's true. My ultimate goal is to continue to build a loving relationship of trust and mutual support - not to prove that I'm right.
So even if he snaps at me, I don't have to deal fire with fire. I could. Most women could absolutely eviscerate their mate verbally and I'm no exception. And if I felt inferior or defensive or felt that I had to prove myself all the time, I could do it. But I don't feel that way. When I was younger I was more casual with my words - probably meaner and more shrill in fact. But I was also more insecure. Now - I usually just let it go. The truth will come out. It always does. And when it does, because I didn't pop off at the mouth, my husband is more willing to come to me with an apology, or acknowledge that he was wrong or that there was a better way to do that.
It works. And overall, we're both happier. But of course, I'm not dealing with an abusive person either.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
