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This can be a difficult situation. The rude bullying people will just keep going. It's also pointless to talk to them, be cause they won't listen. But if they want to know something that they have no business knowing, and or if they are trying to get you to do some thing you shouldn't do or don't want to do (such as "borrow" some thing) then tell them No even if you have to get loud.
On the other hand, if they wake you up from a very exhausting nap, then feel free to verbally attack them.
Have to disagree here...and maybe you misunderstood OP; its not about changing someones opinion or whether they even get it or not....
its about the OPs psychological well being, how he feels.
Wow, you should not have been called names like that! How rude!
I'm glad that you are now starting to stick up for yourself - it feels good, doesn't it?
You say that now people really do think you are a b**** - can I ask you: are you sticking up for yourself but are feeling angry with them at the same time? The best way is to show them you can deal with them in a calm and composed way.
It does feel good to a degree. I still feel uneasy because it is a fairly new habit and since I have put others' feelings before my own for so long, I feel guilty sometimes. I usually am able to stay calm and composed. I agree that is the best way.
Do not give others the power over you to "make" you angry.
Another may attack, provoke, intrude, or assail you. But one need not become "angry". One does need to rise to the occasion.
A great old saying is this: Keep your side of the sidewalk clean.
Provocation, verbal assault, is a call to throw up your boundaries, and defend them. No more and no less.
You do not have to enter the assailant's territory. You have to defend your own.
And prudent, careful language -- as compared to explosive reaction -- can enlarge your own territory while diminishing that of the assailant.
Others will observe and conclude that you are sturdy, resilient, self-respecting and calm. They'll respect that. They'll observe that the assailant is irrational, brutish, out of control, and unreliable.
Power -- subtle, modern, business world type power -- invariably shifts towards the one who holds his ground but maintains his composure, and away from the one who is out of control of himself.
This - exactly. To a tee.
Pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Do I want to die on this hill?"
What I mean by that is that not everything is worth a fight, or even a comment. In my own personal life, I find that I'm the most reactive if I'm feeling insecure. When I am in a secure, healthy place (where I am now vs where I was when I was in my twenties), I am not spring loaded, or defensive, and I often react with mild amusement rather than anger when someone stumbles across my personal boundaries.
I just don't get mad easily any more. I used to be more sensitive to the "trespasses" of others than I am now and felt the need to "stand up for myself" more. Now days, I'm a lot more laid back. But I'm also a lot more secure in my decision making, in my skill set, in my place in life for that matter. I have learned how to control or remove the toxic elements and people in my life. My personal boundaries are very clearly defined in my mind and in my relationships. And I am able to be a lot more circumspect and introspective about my own reactions and feelings. I have come to realize that not all of my own gut reactions or emotions or even actions are necessarily "pure and noble."
For instance, I have a situation right now where my brother in law is sort of throwing his weight around as the "guardian" of my mother in law, but since he lives two hours away, it's actually my husband and I who are doing all the hands on tasks, the care for her, for her affairs, etc. So we get these emails from him with "directives" when the reality is that HE is the one who needs directives - we've got the situation under control and his emails with his "instructions" are nearly always simply recaps of our conversations with him in which WE told HIM what needed to be done!
In the past, I would have been more angry about his attitude. But now I'm more bemused. I guess I could come back at him and tell him "how the cow ate the cabbage" (whatever that means) or "put him in his place" or tell him that he has a lot of nerve bossing us around from a distance when we're the ones going to see her every day yada yada yada. But all that would accomplish is bad blood between the two brothers, and meanwhile our job duties wouldn't change a bit. So from a more mature perspective, my husband and I just laugh between ourselves at his brother's macho attitude, and we do what needs to be done - not for him, and not because he "told us to do it," but because we already know what my mother in law needs in the way of care, and we're able to do it for her.
So we do it, and then we come home and sit on the patio with a glass of wine, and laugh together about the whole situation, and we psychoanalyze his brother - LOL. And I am now mature enough to realize that the only reason I sometimes want to confront my BIL is because I don't like him feeling like he can "boss me around." In other words, it's my PRIDE that's hurt. My actual duties wouldn't change a bit regardless of his emails.
That doesn't mean that I don't firmly stand my ground. It just means that I don't take offense easily.
Sometimes we have to look at the big picture and weigh what is most important - "not putting up with stuff" or "getting stuff done in spite of the insecurities of others."
It does feel good to a degree. I still feel uneasy because it is a fairly new habit and since I have put others' feelings before my own for so long, I feel guilty sometimes. I usually am able to stay calm and composed. I agree that is the best way.
Yes, it takes time going from a non-assertive person into an assertive person. It also takes practice, I suppose. But once you get into the habit of being assertive, it becomes second nature.
I always feel a bit scared inside, whilst being assertive. When I was a child, I was told by my parents not to answer them back, when we got into a disagreement. So in the past, I was more of a people-pleaser but then I felt sh*t because people were trampling all over my boundaries.
Do not give others the power over you to "make" you angry.
Another may attack, provoke, intrude, or assail you. But one need not become "angry". One does need to rise to the occasion.
A great old saying is this: Keep your side of the sidewalk clean.
Provocation, verbal assault, is a call to throw up your boundaries, and defend them. No more and no less.
You do not have to enter the assailant's territory. You have to defend your own.
And prudent, careful language -- as compared to explosive reaction -- can enlarge your own territory while diminishing that of the assailant.
Others will observe and conclude that you are sturdy, resilient, self-respecting and calm. They'll respect that. They'll observe that the assailant is irrational, brutish, out of control, and unreliable.
Power -- subtle, modern, business world type power -- invariably shifts towards the one who holds his ground but maintains his composure, and away from the one who is out of control of himself.
Great detailed points....for those who are new to putting up boundries from verbal Intimidators...finesse in handling with just the write words takes experience and time many of us never acquire until we're older, sometimes bluntness while staying composed, just as affective. Its not a Presidential debate for applause
Yes, it takes time going from a non-assertive person into an assertive person. It also takes practice, I suppose. But once you get into the habit of being assertive, it becomes second nature.
I always feel a bit scared inside, whilst being assertive. When I was a child, I was told by my parents not to answer them back, when we got into a disagreement. So in the past, I was more of a people-pleaser but then I felt sh*t because people were trampling all over my boundaries.
Ah yes, the wonderful things that were pounded into our brains in childhood. It never even occurred to me, until a few years ago, that I didn't actually have to be the nice, good girl I was raised to be, in every single situation. It IS hard to go from being a people-pleaser to being more assertive. I see no sign that it will ever be second nature for me.
Interesting that you say you always feel a bit scared when being assertive. Me too. And I can't even figure out for sure what it is I'm afraid of. But I think it's probably that, if I stand up for myself, the other person will just not like me, and cut me out of their life, and for some reason that seems worse to me than just "taking it." I know that I can basically get over whatever hurt someone causes me, but I don't deal well with being completely cut out (which has indeed happened 3 or 4 times in my life). Some people would say it's better to have such people out of my life, but I view these estrangements as very sad and unnecessary.
my psychological state was deeply compromised, abuse continued, I'd sometimes not be able to sleep at night and I would regret not defending myself decisively. And by defending I don't mean getting down to the level of insults - I just mean letting them know exactly how I see things.
This is the problem; not other people insulting you. I am not going to play armchair psychologist but I suggest you seriously examine yourself and your need to "defend myself decisively". In doing so, my guess is that you will sleep better at night. Well, it all depends on how insightful you can get.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Star10101
Yes, I have tried to ignore people's rude comments before and turn the other cheek and say nothing. But I have found that they take my unresponsiveness as a green light to carry on being rude!
It's not about turning the other cheek; it's about having clear boundaries and letting others know in a stern but respectful manner when they have crossed them.
To some it is a green light, to others they simply may not realize they are being rude. But when someone is intentionally trying to bully you they typically stop once they realize they will not get the reaction they are looking for.
Quote:
Originally Posted by whocares811
That, and knowing who is really important in my life and whose opinions of me are truly important.
Yup, very much so.
Quote:
Originally Posted by vistas
Yeah that whole "empathy" crap doesn't cut it for me. So he's making me feel like **** because he's a miserable bastard - fine, I get it, but the thing is he's STILL making me feel like **** and if I don't stand up to him not only will I continue feeling like **** he's also very likely to continue abuse.
Once again, it seems as if you might be your own problem; not others.
There are definitely annoying and difficult people out there and unless one physically has you tied down, is blackmailing you, or has you otherwise physically or emotionally captive beyond your immediate control no one makes you feel like anything. You feel like that because you allow yourself to feel like that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty
Totally agree.
Someone shouldn't get a pass because they have issues. An adult can handle their issues without taking it out on other people. They won't learn until they are confronted.
Sometimes tactful confrontation works, other times it does not. For one, if an adult cannot "handle their issues" than there is something deeper at play. As some examples; perhaps they were raised in such a manner where they were never given any real opportunity to "deal with it". Or, they have a personality disorder or other medical issue. I have an aunt who went through hypoxia at birth. Likely because of that she has always been a difficult person to deal with at times (and pretty cool at others), but of to no real fault of her own. I also dated a girl who I am positive has HPD (histrionic personality disorder). Everyone goes through histrionics from time to time but with her it became a near daily occurrence. She wanted attention and wether it were good, bad, or indifferent did not matter as it was all the same to her: being at the center of attention. She also believed that whatever it was that was going on in her head was real, so as you can imagine no amount of "counter action", "corrective" counter action, putting her in her place, being reasonable, none of that, worked. Even after we broke up this stuff continued from her. Short of legal action, the only thing I found to work, found to keep her away for good, was to simply show that I was not falling for her games.
Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode
Have to disagree here...and maybe you misunderstood OP; its not about changing someones opinion or whether they even get it or not....
its about the OPs psychological well being, how he feels.
Yeah, it is about how he feels but instead of questioning why these people get on his nerves he seems to be placing the problem on other people; going as far as to insinuate that empathy is for suckers. "Winners" and "losers" are constructs of our own minds and in the OPs mind it seems that winning is nothing less than coming out on top by putting the other person in their place. In the end the only thing that is accomplished is the OP gets a good night's sleep.
Yeah, it is about how he feels but instead of questioning why these people get on his nerves he seems to be placing the problem on other people; going as far as to insinuate that empathy is for suckers. "Winners" and "losers" are constructs of our own minds and in the OPs mind it seems that winning is nothing less than coming out on top by putting the other person in their place. In the end the only thing that is accomplished is the OP gets a good night's sleep.
Well, in my last post, I did expound some and agree; its not a win / lose competition.
They'll figure out what does or doesn't work for them and with time may let some of it go in one ear and out the other. Initially though, learning to set boundaries is a huge step. I can completely relate to the OP, without judging.
Depends for me on whether it's work or play.
The problem with people being like that is they usually badmouth at work. We dealt with this all the time I was on a Union Executive that had to deal with 60 different companies. There was always an alternate agenda going on with someone in the mix. When you're voting on a termination you never had the time/resources to go out and get the bigger picture.
I almost got into fist fights behind closed doors with other execs. that wanted to make a decision based on third party hearsay or a "working relationship" with management. You got to nip it in the bud but also don't come off looking like a drama queen. Management judges on energy, not facts. They'll try on both work sides to get rid of the complainer.
That's why whistleblowers almost all said in the study they'd not do it again!!
There are definitely annoying and difficult people out there and unless one physically has you tied down, is blackmailing you, or has you otherwise physically or emotionally captive beyond your immediate controlno one makes you feel like anything. You feel like that because you allow yourself to feel like that.
.
I don't believe that to be true at all. OP (and I) are posting here exactly BECAUSE we've spent a lifetime automatically defaulting to people-pleasing mode, easily feeling emotions we don't want or choose to feel. When someone is rude and confrontational to me (and others like me) my immediate response is not under my control. It is not just the emotions of how I feel, it is a physiological response as well. I can literally feel my heart pounding in my chest, my skin becomes noticeably red and blotchy, my breathing becomes fast and shallow, and often tears come to my eyes. Later comes the "beating myself up" for not being more confidently assertive.
I am not saying I will never take control of this. But I am most certainly not "allowing" myself to react the way I do. It is a part of the autonomic nervous system, which functions differently in different people. Some people believe that some degree of control, or at least manipulation, of the ANS (both the sympathetic and the parasympathetic nervous system) is possible through meditation, biofeedback, yoga, training, even surgery.
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The rude bullying people will just keep going. 
It's also pointless to talk to them, be cause they won't listen. But if they want to know something that they have no business knowing, and or if they are trying to get you to do some thing you shouldn't do or don't want to do (such as "borrow" 
