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My mom has been an alcoholic for many years. Her husband is an enabler and she doesn't want to quit. She's the only grandparent my child has (my Dad and in-laws are deceased.) I don't want to cut her off but it's so hard to have a relationship with her. Anyone have experience with this?
Hi. I am a recovering alcoholic. My dad was an alcoholic and before I realized/admitted I was as well, I had to cut back significantly how much I was around him. My daughter was very young and yes, it was very sad to have to do that. It was necessary to protect her.
I recommend you attend Al-Anon meetings to learn how to take care of yourself in dealing with your mom and her alcoholism. You are really powerless to change her. She needs to admit she is powerless over alcohol and be willing to get help. Unless and until that time comes, you owe it not only to yourself, also your child to take care of the both of you and yes, sometimes that means cutting off the alcoholic from your life if being around them is upsetting you and making your life miserable.
You don't have to think in black and white terms of cutting "her" off.
But you can cut off exposing your child to "her behavior"
Be up front about it. See her when she's sober. Don't expose the child to her when she's drinking. Make the rules of engagement open and plain. She wants to drink? Okay, she's an adult in her own home. She wants time with you and the grandkid? You'll be glad to let her spend time with the grandkid IF and WHEN she's sober.
And I strongly second the advice to visit Alanon and study their literature.
The answer to your predicament is truly simple. But simple does not mean easy.
goodmockingbird gave some excellent advice about letting her know you will be willing to see her if she is sober. That may be what she needs to hear depending on how serious her condition is. Unfortunately, when we are too much into the drinking, we choose alcohol over family members. It is not a reflection on our family, it is part of the nature of the disease and extremely difficult for non addicts to understand. Although I have been in recovery for over two years, my grown daughter still has nothing to do with me. I hope that the same thing does not happen to your family.
You don't have to think in black and white terms of cutting "her" off.
But you can cut off exposing your child to "her behavior"
Be up front about it. See her when she's sober. Don't expose the child to her when she's drinking. Make the rules of engagement open and plain. She wants to drink? Okay, she's an adult in her own home. She wants time with you and the grandkid? You'll be glad to let her spend time with the grandkid IF and WHEN she's sober.
And I strongly second the advice to visit Alanon and study their literature.
The answer to your predicament is truly simple. But simple does not mean easy.
Thank you. We have a rule about no drinking when we visit her house. Last time we visited for an overnight stay, I took my daughter out to get ice cream. My mom said she didn't want to go. Came home and my mom was drunk. I told my daughter grandma wasn't feeling well and we went to bed. She lives hours away so we don't visit often. There are no al anons that work with my schedule but I will look into online.
goodmockingbird gave some excellent advice about letting her know you will be willing to see her if she is sober. That may be what she needs to hear depending on how serious her condition is. Unfortunately, when we are too much into the drinking, we choose alcohol over family members. It is not a reflection on our family, it is part of the nature of the disease and extremely difficult for non addicts to understand. Although I have been in recovery for over two years, my grown daughter still has nothing to do with me. I hope that the same thing does not happen to your family.
We were estranged for five years but we reconciled six years ago. I wish you the best with your recovery and family.
Have some family going through a very similar issue.
My advice was nearly exactly like goodmockingbird (which by the way mocking birds are annoying).
Don't cut her off completely. Just have a frank talk with her that your not exposing your kids to that so if she wants to see them she needs to set it up ahead of time and you can meet her in a park or public place or she can come over to your house. If she shows up drunk, then collect your kids and walk away or throw her out. I wouldn't cut her off completely though.
I don't see what AA can do for you. There is no helping an addict until they help themselves first. You don't need anyone to tell you not to let her problems into your life, your already doing that.
Have some family going through a very similar issue.
My advice was nearly exactly like goodmockingbird (which by the way mocking birds are annoying).
Don't cut her off completely. Just have a frank talk with her that your not exposing your kids to that so if she wants to see them she needs to set it up ahead of time and you can meet her in a park or public place or she can come over to your house. If she shows up drunk, then collect your kids and walk away or throw her out. I wouldn't cut her off completely though.
I don't see what AA can do for you. There is no helping an addict until they help themselves first. You don't need anyone to tell you not to let her problems into your life, your already doing that.
The above in blue--it is not AA I suggested the OP go to, it is Al-Anon. They are two separate meeting groups. There is so much info on the internet about it. Many family members and friends of alcoholics have been spared so much heartache, guilt, and many other emotions because of this program. It helps them have a better understanding of the disease, boundaries, co-dependency, etc. It is learning how to take care of themselves. I could go on and on, however, there is plenty on line about it and they explain it so much better than I possibly could.
Could you be more specific about how it's hard? Would she be more likely to be sober in the morning? Maybe you could start doing brunches.
I could list the ways it's hard but it would take a while. We will figure out a way. Thanks.
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