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A friend of my wife and myself got married in August. She is an FTM transgender person who has been with his now wife for several years. We are somewhat close to him, a man I'll call James. We don't know his wife (I'll call her Jasmine) very well, however, since she only recently started coming around our little social group. We see James several times a year at various parties and get togethers, talk and text and such. We were very supportive when he decided to transition into a man, and according to James, Jasmine was as well. James told us he and Jasmine were getting married in our town a couple of months before the ceremony. We were happy for him and expressed our congratulations, even though none of us care much for Jasmine. She is very introverted (asocial might be a better term), and we suspect she is also controlling, but we aren't sure since James hasn't really discussed his relationship with her at all. Jasmine hasn't made any effort to be friendly with us, although we have with her. We have never said anything to James about our feelings toward Jasmine, believing if he loves her, that's all that matters. James told us it would be a family only ceremony. Our social group was put off by this since many of us had known him for decades and had supported him through all sorts of turmoil, including his transition.
A week ago we received their wedding announcement in the mail, complete with pictures of their beach ceremony and smiling faces. Although we are really happy for them, the wedding announcement offended us because it felt like they were reminding us again about not inviting us to their wedding. Everyone has a right to invite whoever they want to their wedding. James and Jasmine can exclude their friends if they want. But I don't understand the purpose of the wedding announcement. Do they want a gift? Am I getting bent out of shape for nothing? Or were they being inconsiderate?
An announcement is exactly that, announcing that the wedding has occurred. Whether or not you want to give a gift is up to you. He told you they were just having a small wedding, so why be offended by their choice?
They're just letting you know that they got married. I certainly wouldn't see it as a request for a gift or anything else, although you should feel free to congratulate them in whatever way you see fit.
My husband and I got married with just my parents present and did not tell anyone beforehand. We did not want a big wedding and we specifically did not want gifts. Afterward, we sent some wedding announcements out to people just to let them know we had gotten married. We had no expectation of gifts or anything else, although we did receive a few.
It's starting to make more sense. Perhaps it's because I have never received a wedding announcement (only invitations,) and I have never not been invited to the wedding of a friend or family member. My perceptions may also be colored by Jasmine's decidely frosty behavior towards all of us. I suspect the fact that the guest list was "family only" was not James' idea, but Jasmine's. James is a very outgoing, gregarious person, and since meeting Jasmine, we have seen a lot less of him.
Is it possible that they simply couldn't afford a larger wedding? Or maybe they needed a chance to spend time with family only? I would accept the announcement without questioning and send a gift if I valued the friendship. I would ignore it and move on if I didn't value the friendship.
A whole lot of information that is completely irrelevant.
Wedding announcements are a long standing tradition. They are nothing new, and they're not intended to be a reminder that you weren't invited to the wedding. Some people simply choose to have a very small intimate wedding, but still want to formally announce this major change in their life. It's similar to graduation announcements and birth announcements.
I suspect the fact that the guest list was "family only" was not James' idea, but Jasmine's. James is a very outgoing, gregarious person, and since meeting Jasmine, we have seen a lot less of him.
Being an outgoing, gregarious person doesn't necessarily guarantee that they will want a big public splashy affair. Plenty of outgoing people want an intimate wedding.
An announcement is exactly that, announcing that the wedding has occurred. Whether or not you want to give a gift is up to you. He told you they were just having a small wedding, so why be offended by their choice?
Yep.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks
My perceptions may also be colored by Jasmine's decidely frosty behavior towards all of us.
Yep.
Honestly, you are casting a LOT of negative aspersions toward the new wife that really are not based on anything concrete. You don't know for a fact that James is being so unduly influenced by her.
I would just let all that go and continue to be a friend to him in a way that is consistent, knowing that he will be less available now that he is married.
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