Was your mother critical or not? (wife, girlfriend, spouse, father)
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My mother and her sister were so different. My cousin, the daughter of mother's sister, said she never heard her mother say anything bad about anyone. My mother was the opposite. I never heard her say anything good about anyone. I had to learn not to do the same. In mother's eyes, my imperfections were many. I didn't have natural curly hair, for instance as mother regularly lamented. As it happened, no one in our immediate family did. Even as an adult, I never wore my hair the way she wanted and I heard about it often. When an article in the local newspaper appeared about my 16th birthday party, she complained because they used the word feted, which is a perfectly acceptable word, although at the time I thought there must be something wrong with it.
My dad had a master's degree in vocational agriculture and a good job with the federal government, but when he pruned our shrubbery mother complained about the result. I never heard him say a cross word to anyone. He was a workaholic and I now think it was an escape from the criticism. He went along with most of what she wanted, but she always said there were some things he wouldn't agree to, but she didn't detail what they were. Their marriage lasted 73 years and ended when my father died at age 97.
All this is only one facet of how she was and thinking about it today, I'm wondering how many others can relate?
My mother and her sister were so different. My cousin, the daughter of mother's sister, said she never heard her mother say anything bad about anyone. My mother was the opposite. I never heard her say anything good about anyone. I had to learn not to do the same. In mother's eyes, my imperfections were many. I didn't have natural curly hair, for instance as mother regularly lamented. As it happened, no one in our immediate family did. Even as an adult, I never wore my hair the way she wanted and I heard about it often. When an article in the local newspaper appeared about my 16th birthday party, she complained because they used the word feted, which is a perfectly acceptable word, although at the time I thought there must be something wrong with it.
My dad had a master's degree in vocational agriculture and a good job with the federal government, but when he pruned our shrubbery mother complained about the result. I never heard him say a cross word to anyone. He was a workaholic and I now think it was an escape from the criticism. He went along with most of what she wanted, but she always said there were some things he wouldn't agree to, but she didn't detail what they were. Their marriage lasted 73 years and ended when my father died at age 97.
All this is only one facet of how she was and thinking about it today, I'm wondering how many others can relate?
I know people with mothers like that... impossible to satisfy. Sounds like the type of person that sees a lot of imperfections within themself so they constantly bring attention to others' issues and shortcomings (will fabricate some if needed) so that no one would ever dare to call them out on their problems. My mom was the opposite, but I did (and still do) have natural curly hair.
My Mom has always been extremely critical, but in different amounts toward different targets.
She was always very critical of me, but very accepting of my sister, in childhood and in adulthood.
She's always been critical of my Dad.
She has a bunch of girlfriends who I think display traits and behaviors that she's been highly critical of in others, but she never criticizes her girlfriends. She'll even mock or criticize my Dad for some trait that her friends also have.
I was the oldest, and my sister the youngest, so I do realize that she was sort of learning how to be a Mom with me, and she was probably more confident with my sister. But she and my sister are very much alike and I'm very different from her, so she was less likely to criticize my sister.
If I got all As and one B, she'd say I should have worked harder on that B grade and I must have been "fooling around" too much.
If I got all As, she'd say I'd better not get a big head and start thinking I'm something special.
Whenever I did well in school, which was always, she'd be sure to tell me that I "had no common sense" despite all that "book smarts."
If I had a friend who was not in the popular crowd, she'd criticize how my friend was a loser and how it must look bad to others that I would spend time with the person.
If I had friends who were in the popular crowd, she'd tell me they were spoiled, full of themselves, or just popular because of their looks, and I'd better not get any ideas about becoming like them.
I've had bangs all my life because she would criticize the chicken-pock scar on my forehead. When I was a kid, I heard her telling a friend "TracySam will have to have bangs all her life with that bullet-hole in her head." Of course she denies ever having said that. I "remembered it wrong" evidently.
She'd even criticize me for being "insecure." Oh, the irony.
Even in adulthood, she saw my first apartment I ever had and said "Oh, this looks really nice...are you going to leave the furniture that way?"
In my 20s, we'd get together to for a family dinner, and afterward she'd hand me money and tell me to go shopping for some clothes because she can't believe I'd worn what I was wearing. So if I express that that was hurtful or insulting, I'm being ungrateful for the money she's trying to give me.
I went on a vacation with her a few years back, and every day she would comment on something about me: my frame, my small chest, even my hairline on the back my neck. But she would do this thing in which she'd point out my physical flaw, and saw how it's just like hers, so if I took it as an insult, I'd be insulting her. So if I had my hair up, she'd say, "You have all that wispy hair at the base of your neck like I do; I could never wear my hair up."
Whenever I'd tried to point out how unfairly critical she's been of me (unemotionally, calmly, not in a whining way) she'd say that I'm just too sensitive.
After 46 years of this, I just laugh it off, but it did mess me up for many years.
My mom was a critical person when I was a child and wanted to take piano lessons she told me I was not the musical one and my younger sister got guitar lessons. Jump ahead to when I told my mother I was going to get engaged to my wife she said I was just infatuated and should not get engaged. That was 34 years ago (my 2 sisters are divorced). She was critical of my wife, our marriage and child rearing so I eventually cut her off from my family (5 grandkids). She missed a good portion of the good times but after many years we are talking again. Put your spouse first and stand your ground no one should be abused or belittled.
My mother criticized me all waking hours everyday until I moved out.
And she focused on things like my breathing, the way I ate, the way I walked, the color of my sweater, the way I parked the car, the placement of my toothbrush etc. She didnt attack big or important things usually. My parents didnt care about my grades or how I spent my free time, so my GPA and sports achievements werent mentioned, let alone criticized.
The all day nagging and critizing about the mundane is still toxic IMO. Every little flaw (real or imagined) nitpicked everyday for 18 years does damage. Even if say a cake I baked turned out good enough she just had to make a critical comment. ON EVERY SINGLE THING I DID. To this day, I dont believe I am good enough for anyone or have any faith in my abilities. Thanks Mom!
(although intellectually I know better)
On my 24th birthday, I received a gift and was on my way out to have fun and heard my mother slip out of my mouth. Although everything was great ini th emoment, I criticized everything I could about the evening, my friends, etc. I was repeating the script. THat day forward I vowed never to do that again unless it was truly warranted (which wouldnt be everyday all day). And I've stuck to that 20 years later.
It was so bad I didnt believe I was ever loved although action wise my mother showed love. I wasnt sophisticated to process that. And, I couldnt understand why she had children if all she did, all day every day, was complain about what useless stupid incapble pieces of crap we were. SEriously? If you love your child why always cut them down? Why have them then?
Yes I also had a very critical mother almost to the point of abusive . She would talk about how I had loser friends and that I never had a nice friend as she put it . People would always tell her I was an excellent horse rider and she would always tell them she can do better . She would say when I got a bad grade , yep you failed at this and I'm not surprised at all . I was not allowed to attend any partys because there would be boys and boys were nasty . She consistently critized my father to no end and always told me she could have married up and better but settled for less and so disappointed her mother .I was told constantly how I was a disappointment to her . She would slap my face when I made a face or rolled my eyes at her . I was never allowed to own a swim suit , because sluts had swim suits and liked to show their bodies and that was not proper . I never did anything that made her happy . She passed two years ago and I still feel the crap she did to me everyday .It messed me up for years .
Oh my goodness, at least I got to wear a swim suit. I was a hardcore competitive swimmer. Of course I was too fat (at 150 lbs of muscle) to be seen in a suit (I have huge boobs that throw off perspective of size).
I can't remember my mother every being critical about anything I did. Maybe she should have been more so? Anyway, she aways treated us like little adults, I guess. And somehow, I survived. My father was another story. He wasn't "critical," as such. He just didn't pay much attention. And you couldn't tell him anything. I could give him the best advice in the world about something he knew nothing about, but because the advice was coming from ME, it was automatically not worthy of consideration.
Nah. She always just pushed me to be more than what I was and literally every time she got on me about something and gave me advice she was always right. Always. But she didn't accept any less than the best and pushed us to be the best and I'm glad she did. She is dead but everything she ever said about me or got on me about was always true. I don't see it as critical at all-she called me on my s***, she knew who I was, and she wanted to bring my attention to what I needed work on.
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