Have you ever skipped a grandparent's funeral? (funerals, person)

[j_k_k]

I can only tell you what causes me to attend a funeral. I hate, despise, cannot stand funerals. The worst are the kind where they put the corpse on display. I consider our funerary customs barbaric. If I attend a funeral, there must be some powerful reason.

I am attending one a week from tomorrow, for a man who was a friend for my whole adult life, and whose wife and children I care about. The powerful reason there is to support his family, and in hopes that the emotional impact will draw his son (my friend from college) out of his shell a bit.

I did not attend my grandfather's. It was two thousand miles away, we had an unpleasant scene initiated by him the last time we saw each other in person where he said a thing I could not easily pardon, and there were good odds my estranged sister would attend. That would be awkward. I had more powerful reasons not to go than to go.

I went to one for a former member of our baseball team, who had kind of gone nuts, and killed himself. The powerful reason there was that I didn't think anyone from the league would be there (he was kind of annoying), and I felt someone who had been his teammate should attend.

So. My philosophy: if you feel you have a powerful reason to attend, whatever that may be, then attend. If not, do not. Sometimes the powerful reason is your own feelings or regrets. Sometimes it is for the sake of others. All it takes is one powerful reason.

[artangel]

I didn't know my father so only had one set of grandparents, and I lived with them and my Mother until age 4 and then again from 10-12 yrs old. I adored them. My grandfather died when I was 19 and away at college. I was able to attend his funeral. It was a really difficult thing for me, I remember very little other than extreme grief. My Grandmother lived to be 96, and she spent the last 2 years of her life living in my hometown because I moved her near me when she began to fail. (My Mother had died years before and my Uncle had just had a heart attack so was unable to assist). She had lived about 8 hrs away from me and my family, so for most of my adult life I only saw her once or twice a year when we would drive there, but I called weekly and wrote weekly, too. We were very close. When she passed away, my Uncle took over and planned her funeral, because I was in pretty bad health myself at that time. It was back in her small town (8hrs away) and I was unable to travel. I felt so bad that I wasn't there, but knew I had done everything I could up to that point. I would tell you to go to your Grandmother's funeral if you want to see her again or in that way be there for her, but not to feel obligated if it would be a hardship in some way for you to attend, either emotionally, physically or financially.

[HappyFarm34]

I didn't go to my grandma's funeral on my mom's side. For one, she was living in another State so couldn't afford to go. Secondly, she was a life-long alcoholic & chain-smoker who never gave a rat's behind about her grandkids.

[danielj72]

I have always had a different take on funerals. In my opinion they are not for the person who has passed, they are to help the living cope with the loss. The time to say good bye is over, that person has gone to God. If the OP does not feel close to the people who will be attending then maybe it would not matter if they attend. If the OP is close to the people who will be there and feels their presence could help them or those they are close to cope with the loss then by all means the OP should attend. I believe its far more important to try and be there for birthdays, weddings, and other visits. We should make as much time as possible to be with our parents, grandparents and other family and friends while we still have them on this earth. This time spent will be far more valuable then time spent at their funeral. I know I see this way different than most people

[Mrs. Skeffington]

No, my grandfather died in 1966 and my grandmother in 1989. I attended both funerals. The other two grandparents died before I was born.

I did, however, skip DH's grandmother's funeral...she never liked me because we aren't Seventh Day Adventist. Why should I miss work and lose a day's pay for someone who never sent my kids so much as a card on their birthday? She was very wealthy and left DH $50, which about covered his gas to get to the out of state funeral. The rest went to the SDA church. She had to buy herself a place in heaven when Jesus returns, I guess.

[RadioSilence]

I missed two of three (the fourth died when my mom was a kid). My parents always told me it was better to see them when they were alive. Don't worry about seeing them when they're dead. My paternal grandparents were so old when they died, there weren't many people left to mourn them anyway. I went to their graves later.

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by danielj72

If the OP is close to the people who will be there and feels their presence could help them or those they are close to cope with the loss then by all means the OP should attend.

This is closer to the other side of the coin for me.

The people who will be there most likely will not know me OR my dad, and will only have heard my grandmother's side of the story all these years (which leans heavily toward the "woe is me" tale). So they most likely will not be supportive but critical. I witnessed this at my grandfather's funeral, when one of their in-town friends had a confrontation with another relative. It made a bad situation even worse.

So I can see where my parents' attending will only invite the opportunity for some random comment from one of my grandma's friends that they can rehash on the way home, further cementing their "the world is against us" mentality.

But I will go because it's the right thing to do and because she should have family there who cares about her. I also appreciate the reminder that the most valuable thing to do is spend time while she's still here, even though it doesn't seem like she knows me. She's not dead yet, and I need to stop acting like she is.

[lived here forever]

I'm not sure if it is still this way, but from my experience, unless she has already made plans for her funeral, the neighbors won't be able to plan it. That will up to your father. I had an aunt and uncle we were very very close to. My aunt (Mom's sister) died first. My uncle made sure my sisters and I knew what he wanted, what casket, clothes, etc. We all three, along with a cousin, were in the will. When he died, a brother he had hardly spoken to in years, stepped in, and because he was "blood" he got to make all the decisions. None of my uncle's wishes were granted. He even tried to remove my uncle's wedding ring, and my sisters and I threw an absolute fit, that it was either call the police to keep us from attacking him, or keep the ring on.

Good luck honey, and don't let anyone or anything stop you from going.

[Easybreezy]

I didn't attend either paternal grandparent's funeral. My father was estranged from his side of the family, so I had no contact with them in life.

Maternal grandfather I attended. Maternal grandmother died prior to my birth.

[parentologist]

I didn't go to my grandmother's funeral, even though she was a wonderful grandmother who loved us all very much, and was good to us. I was a good granddaughter, did all I could for her. But she had been demented and bedridden for five years, and I was over two thousand miles away, working 100 hours/week, and we hold funerals the day after deceased dies, so it would have been very expensive and inconvenient for me to go. I figured that I had been a good granddaughter while she was alive. The rest of the family lived in the area and was all there. I only think that I was stupid to have felt that my employment meant more than it did, and that I should have gone to be with my family.

In your case, I think you should go if you can, because there might not be other family there, and to show respect for her.