Wife not visiting husband in hospital (children, brother, retired, college)
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Hoping for some independent advice from people who don't know me.
Dad is 91, mum is 13 years younger. They seem to have been married for over 50 years, and have been living together in a state of discontent for years. They have two children, myself (married no children), I live a 20- minute drive from home and my brother, married with a son in college, lives about an hour away. Mum and I are not close - my brother is the golden boy. They have no money problems - they've got tens of thousands in the bank.
Dad was recently hospitalised.
I've been visiting dad as often as I can, 4 or 5 days a week. Sometimes picking up mum, sometimes on my own as that gives me a bit more flexibility about times.
He is now in a hospital less than 2 miles from home. However, mum refused to visit unless someone picks her up. (she can perfectly afford a taxi, and is more than capable of walking that distance, she still does so regularly. I can't keep up visiting dad that frequently - and my brother can't/won't come over more than once a week.
I think that it is more important for Dad to have a visitor every day and that mum should at least make the effort to get herself 2 miles down the road a couple of times a week.
Mum thinks that daily visiting "isn't necessary".
What do you think? My family relationships are so odd that I've no idea what is normal!
The way you wrote about your family seems very odd. You seem very disconnected.its almost like you want to blame your elderly mother for something.
Visit as often as you like, and pick up your mother if you wish to do so.
Their marriage is their marriage. It's really none of your business.
If it bothers you so much, maybe talk with your mother about it. Maybe set up a driver from church or a mutual friend to take her to the hospital. My not so elderly mother would NEVER take a taxi, as she would worry about being robbed/assaulted. She's literally never been in a cab, and worries if I take one to/from the airport. She even worries about my husband taking one.
They've been living together in a state of discontent ... why would you expect that she would pay for a taxi or walk 4 miles everyday to visit someone who she apparently only tolerates living with?
Dad is 91, mum is 13 years younger. They seem to have been married for over 50 years, and have been living together in a state of discontent for years.
What about them makes them "seem to have been married"? Either they have or they haven't, no?
I don't think its reasonable to ask your mom to walk to the hospital or take a taxi everyday. She might not be feeling well herself & walking back & forth everyday in her 70s might put her in hospital as well. Your parents must be retired so I am not sure if she can afford the taxi either. Your assumption about your brother being well off might also be false. How do you know he is not deep in debt because of his lifestyle or paying for some health problems? Unless he tells you each & every detail about his life. If you cannot drive your mom or cannot visit your dad daily, just say so & let them deal with it.
That was a bit of a muddled post - I meant to state that my parents have a significant amount of money and seem to have been living in disharmony for a long time.
I'm certainly not expecting my mum to walk every day - but she walks much farther, and catches taxis to other events - just not to visit dad Admittedly, the last time she told me about doing this was a month ago, so I suppose things may have changed.
But you are right and thank you for the advice; I must stop wanting her to be the kind of wife to dad that I would like (or that she expects me and my SIL to be), and accept her for what she is and make the best of it.
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