Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Fluffy: I did join a support group during my pregnancy. Adult children of Alcoholics. Aha, there were people attending just like me. Their stories rang so true. It was reaffirming but I would still get "the abuse wasn't that bad" from my grandma. Still, I realized that I wasn't a freak and others survived.
I think I know part of the "why". Both my mother and stepfather were narcissists. Who would have vanity plates with their names? Who would wear matching outfits my mother sewed on walks around the neighborhood? We kids got hamburger and he got steak. It was all about them and not us. "I wish you kids had never been born".
It would be pointless to reconnect. As my sister said, she would just say she did the best she could at the time. She told us that if we ever got into trouble to not come running home. Now, that will haunt her. She is 85. Both siblings are out of town; I am the closest, only 10 miles away. She asked the one who lives on the other side of the state who is not financially ok to take care of her and that sister refused. She told the other one that I won't even ask you as you are too selfish. There is a step sister but she is in ill health.
Interesting aspect about this stepsister. Her husband molested me and my closer in age sister when we were teens. And, when I opted out, this one filled my vacancy. I knew that I would be cut from any inheritance as it was always about Bob's money. I wasn't even mentioned in his obituary. (He died from heart disease which my mother blamed on me????). This stepsister plus my my 2 sisters split 3 ways. Now, my sister who is the executor told me she recently changed her will and I get a small amount. Guilt money, my sister says. Wth? I don't want any of Bob's money. I am thinking of donating it to a child abuse charity. This is nothing new, this being left out, as my gift was $500 toward college. One sister got a $5000 wedding and the other a $10,000 face rework. I guess I made better use of mine. I was always shorted growing up as if I was not a part of the family. I just got used to it and made my own way. I could have used some help along the way but always managed somehow.
I am still unsure of the why I was beat. I was an extra mouth to feed (5 kids) and no child support which I heard about often enough. Or, that I was smarter (honors classes) or could draw. He may have been jealous? Angry about his own dad abandoning his mom and 8 kids? I will never know.
I find solace in music, photography, illustrating and being out in the middle of nowhere in Nevada deserts. That is where I find some sort of peace. But, it only lasts as long as the music, place or activity. What I want to find is inner peace. My relatives have been long lived and I want peaceful years ahead. I have a blog but it is for our travels and photography related. I have mentioned the calm I find in the desert or behind my camera. Maybe, I could post one entry about this and subsequent additions in the same post about changes. Positive, I have to stay positive.
Thank-you for all of your suggestions. I know it may not be easy to lay yourself bare to strangers. But to those who have been here before, it is comforting to those who are not there yet. It would be futile to reconnect and that is why I haven't over the years. I just hoped.
I don't blame you for hoping, and hope you find peace. It does hurt to realize a parent chose a new spouse over protecting your own child, sadly it's not all that rare. DH has an extremely strained relationship with his father due to this, his father left him with alcoholic wife #2 whose sons beat DH, divorced that one and now is with wife #3 and choosing her over DH and our kids. Yet the man never apologized and thinks he did nothing wrong! What we have learned is you'll never get closure or sincere apologies out of narcissists.
If it were not for our kids and us wanting them to know grandpa, DH would choose to never speak to his 'father' again. IMHO sounds like your mother is even worse than my FIL and may want handouts from you so I would suggest therapy and be very wary of contacting her.
Thank-you all for sharing your histories. You and/or your SOs are further along than me but it does give me hope. The first phone call I make tomorrow will be to several of the clinics/counselors who accept Medicare. I am scared because I have to relate all this to a stranger. I hope there are plenty of hankies.
It must have been difficult for you all to realize that these people who were supposed to love you unconditionally failed. But, you proved to be stronger and walked away. Thanks again.
It sounds like you might be able to have a relationship with the half sisters. The adults in your life failed you miserably - all of them. You don't owe them a thing. I don't think that they have anything to offer your child. You are better off without them.
I do have one with my one half-sib. I didn't always as she was the favored one and was never yelled at. We were estranged for awhile but she approached me about 5 years ago and we have been best friends since. She validated that yes, I was abused, terribly. The youngest one I have no relationship with as we have nothing in common. She is a hard worker at a minimum wage job but has no intellectual curiosity like we do. She was so traumatized that she remembers nothing. The other half-sib is going to take care of her because she has done well financially. If my husband passes before me then we will all take care of each other. They are both single and one lost her only child to cancer. Funny thing that we were treated so badly (sister who didn't get beat or yelled at had to walk a tightrope of submissiveness) and we can brush that aside and care for each other. We were kids and none of us were at fault.
I don't understand why you haven't moved on after 30yrs. You should have got over the past by now. Seek some therapy to find answers. I am sure you have some good people in your life so focus on them rather than rebuilding any toxic relationships from the past. Learn to let it go & move on. Reconnecting with people who abused you in the past will only bring back bad memories & more abuse. They can't hurt you physically but there will be emotional abuse so stay away & save yourself.
I don't understand why you haven't moved on after 30yrs. You should have got over the past by now. Seek some therapy to find answers. I am sure you have some good people in your life so focus on them rather than rebuilding any toxic relationships from the past. Learn to let it go & move on. Reconnecting with people who abused you in the past will only bring back bad memories & more abuse. They can't hurt you physically but there will be emotional abuse so stay away & save yourself.
People move on in their own time. I don't think there is a time frame when someone "should" be over it.
Exactly HFB. There is no getting over some traumatic episodes. While they may be in perspective you never forget the injustice.
There is a lot to sort out in your family dynamics clikrf8 and I would suggest that you try not to find your way all at once with each family member. It's nice that you were able to forge some kind of relationship with your sisters. You also need to be aware that sometimes people become addicted to dysfunction and they can't break away from that comfort they get from that which is so familiar and their definition of normal. I can so relate to feeling like the unwanted step child. My brother was the treasured one and was given everything I had to work hard for on a silver platter. I divorced myself emotionally from my parents and him at a very young age. There was no going back for me. My brother is my only living relative and we've only seen each other twice since 1990. He called out of the blue over a year ago and I never returned his phone call. I left that life and dysfunction behind decades ago and I was unwilling to allow that part of my life that is now a distant memory to resurface in any form. You have a different circumstance with your sisters. It can be part of a wonderful healing process or it can allow unresolved feelings to surface and torment you. I got stuck with the family home that was totally destroyed by years of neglect. My loser brother could not even get a marginal loan to buy me out. The house was so bad that it had to be rehabbed. I wrestled with a lot of demons putting that house back together and it was part of my healing process. It's been a great rental and a total cash cow since 1992. It has also allowed me to retire at 58. The house does not represent the house of horrors like it used to. It's a happy place now and has given me one of the greatest gifts with the two sisters that became part of our made up family. They are such a joy to us and the misery that the house once was is also in perspective and a distant memory. I have it way easier then you do clikrf8. Dealing with the living is far harder then dealing with a house. You need to recognize your traps of despair and triggers that pull you into the dysfunction which you had the misfortune to have to call family. It's like climbing a mountain. One step at a time. Eliminate the toxic and build on the positive.
Before you think about contacting your mother, I think you have to be very clear about what your expectations are. If you're expecting her to apologize, or to even acknowledge that you were abused, you're going to be disappointed because she's not going to do it. If she allowed herself to think about it, or felt any remorse, she would have contacted you by now, apologized and asked your forgiveness.
I second all the suggestions for counseling. Now that you're older and a mother yourself, you may be more prepared to do the work that you're going to need to do to reach some sort of peace. It's not going to be easy. In short, you'll have to forgive both of your parents for violating the very essence of the parent/child relationship--the duty to protect the child. Both of your parents failed miserably and did you a grave disservice. Neither deserves your forgiveness, but until you are able to see past the abuse, I don't think you'll ever have the peace you are entitled to.
Please note because I don't want anyone jumping on me--I'm not saying the OP should forgive her parents, but since she's been unable to stop thinking about the abuse, it may be a step she needs to take to move on.
My husband reconnected with his abusive mother. We thought that he would get some closure, and that maybe they could have some sort of relationship now that he was an adult and had the power to walk away whenever he wanted. All that he learned from reconnecting with her is that he could never have any kind of relationship with her, and that she's just as scary as she was when he was a kid. It was a waste of time.
If you're looking for an apology from your mother, you probably won't get one. Or it will be meaningless, "I'm sorry you felt that way," or something like that. You are a strong person who has had a meaningful life despite the things your mother put you through. Focus on that, and not on wondering how the past could have been different.
^^ Totally agree with this. I don't have a relationship with my parents either. If they were willing to meet me halfway towards a reconciliation, I may be willing to try. But, they are still the same toxic individuals they were back then when they failed me parents. I refuse to subject myself to people who haven't taken full accountability. Just because they are your so-called parents, doesn't mean they're entitled to be in your life. Thankfully, I've been able to be successful, despite being subjected to unspeakable abuse as a child that broke my heart and spirits. I thank God for my survival.
OP, trying to build a relationship with these people is not worth the inevitable headaches.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
