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P.S. You are only the bad guy because they don't want to take care of her either. They are dumping her on you and then they get mad if you refuse to take on the responsibility they signed you up for. Tough for them.
When I spoke to her the other day, she said that either her insurance or her doctor said that Rehab will not knee replacement surgery so she won't be able to go there. She said if she was having both knees done, then maybe she could go. So she will be in the hospital for 4-5 days. Then her recovery will be like 8 weeks or something!! She lives alone. My mom and her other sister are coming down for a few days then leaving. So maybe I should visit one day once she is at home or maybe at the hospital, and then after that be done with it? I know she is going to ask me to do a million different errands for her whatever time I stop by....ugggh
When I spoke to her the other day, she said that either her insurance or her doctor said that Rehab will not knee replacement surgery so she won't be able to go there. She said if she was having both knees done, then maybe she could go. So she will be in the hospital for 4-5 days. Then her recovery will be like 8 weeks or something!! She lives alone. My mom and her other sister are coming down for a few days then leaving. So maybe I should visit one day once she is at home or maybe at the hospital, and then after that be done with it? I know she is going to ask me to do a million different errands for her whatever time I stop by....ugggh
How can you be "done with it" if you can't say no? You will always get suckered in. Either accept this or start saying NO.
When I spoke to her the other day, she said that either her insurance or her doctor said that Rehab will not knee replacement surgery so she won't be able to go there. She said if she was having both knees done, then maybe she could go. So she will be in the hospital for 4-5 days. Then her recovery will be like 8 weeks or something!! She lives alone. My mom and her other sister are coming down for a few days then leaving. So maybe I should visit one day once she is at home or maybe at the hospital, and then after that be done with it? I know she is going to ask me to do a million different errands for her whatever time I stop by....ugggh
You say you are not available. Aunt goes home with either your mom or your other aunt.
If you visit after she goes home, you will be sucked into taking care of her. Visit in the hospital the day after surgery, take flowers, stay fifteen minutes, and leave.
When I spoke to her the other day, she said that either her insurance or her doctor said that Rehab will not knee replacement surgery so she won't be able to go there. She said if she was having both knees done, then maybe she could go. So she will be in the hospital for 4-5 days. Then her recovery will be like 8 weeks or something!! She lives alone. My mom and her other sister are coming down for a few days then leaving. So maybe I should visit one day once she is at home or maybe at the hospital, and then after that be done with it? I know she is going to ask me to do a million different errands for her whatever time I stop by....ugggh
If you want out of this dynamic you have to stop trying to solve the problems for her. "I won't be available to help". "I understand you are upset about that, I'm sorry to see that". "I won't be able to help". That's all you say. Over and over. To your family too.
They are dumping her on you because they know you are a kind hearted person and have trouble setting boundaries.
You say you are not available. Aunt goes home with either your mom or your other aunt.
If you visit after she goes home, you will be sucked into taking care of her. Visit in the hospital the day after surgery, take flowers, stay fifteen minutes, and leave.
Yes either your mom or your aunt needs to take her home to take care of her. She is their sister and their responsibility.
Let your mother know you are not going to be taking care of her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rere900
When I spoke to her the other day, she said that either her insurance or her doctor said that Rehab will not knee replacement surgery so she won't be able to go there. She said if she was having both knees done, then maybe she could go. So she will be in the hospital for 4-5 days. Then her recovery will be like 8 weeks or something!! She lives alone. My mom and her other sister are coming down for a few days then leaving. So maybe I should visit one day once she is at home or maybe at the hospital, and then after that be done with it? I know she is going to ask me to do a million different errands for her whatever time I stop by....ugggh
Look at it this way.
It is notyour problem that your aunt needs surgery.
It is notyour problem what the insurance company covers or does not cover for your aunt.
It is notyour problem that your aunt does not have a husband or children who can help her.
It is notyour problem that your aunt lives alone.
It is notyour problem whether or not your aunt can convince her sister to stay longer.
It is notyour problem whether or not your aunt can afford to hire people to help her.
It is not your problem. The sooner that you realize that it is not your problem the better you will feel.
Look at it some other ways.
What would you do if your aunt lived in Miami and you lived in Chicago? Would you still feel that you needed to take FMLA, fly down and help her?
What would you do if you or your husband were in the hospital at the same time as your aunt? Would you still feel that you needed to help her rather than get better yourself or help your husband?
What if you job suddenly sent you to Europe for a month for training? Would you still feel that you needed to help her even if it meant that you would lose your job?
If you lived 1,000 miles away would you visit her in the hospital?
If you were in intensive care yourself would you visit her in the hospital?
If you were working in Spain or England or wherever would you visit her in the hospital?
Frankly, I would not even visit her in the hospital because I bet that once she sees you she will have a list a mile long of things that she wants you to do for her. Send a card and some flowers and wash your hands of the matter.
Frankly, I suspect that if you even run one errand or do one thing for her she will expect you to spend hours each and every day helping her for weeks on end.
Tell your aunt, tell your mom and tell everyone that you are not able to help. And, do not feel guilty about it. Heck, if you know the name of her doctor I would even tell him or her that you are not able to help, because I suspect that your aunt may tell the doctor & the hospital that you are helping so she won't need any other help such as rehab or visiting nurses or whatever.
Print out everyone's advice and stick to it.
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-01-2015 at 03:46 PM..
Wow....I'm sorry you're in the middle of this mess, but I do see a way out. It may not be popular, or easy, but it is honest and truthful, and works for pretty much any situation. Your mom obviously can't or won't intervene in this situation - and maybe doesn't know what to do with her sister. At any rate - she is in control of who she invites to her home for Christmas. When you and your husband get there - while everyone is all collected and still sober - make a point of getting together with your mom and your aunt and anybody else who you think may need to be included. Very firmly and quite plainly - tell them what you have stated here. You are not responsible for your aunt - she is not your responsibility, she has an alcohol problem, you are not going to let her continue to control your actions or your life. She does this to you because you LET her - you need to stop it. NOW.....
Let her know that you are a busy woman with a life of your own, a husband that needs you also, and that she made a choice to live the life she has chosen for herself. There are senior communities she can move to, or she can go to a rehab facility after her hip surgery and let them help her and also give her the therapy she will need. It will be good for her - and you are absolutely under no obligation here. You need to understand this - please. I know you probably love her but people change over time - and sometimes not in a good way. She may have no idea how she comes off - and this may be a good time to let her know.
Anyhow - I encourage you to speak to her - be blunt and let your husband also voice his opinion about how this is affecting his life as well. You're her niece - not her daughter or her slave. You've done enough already!!! Good luck and please let us know how it turns out...
If she is an alcoholic, you have to say "no". You have to stand up for yourself. Refuse to be around her when she is clearly drunk. Your mom should do the same. Send a message.
I know you want to help, but she has brought her problems onto herself.
My aunt (mother's younger sister) moved to the city where me and my husband live, maybe 5-6 years ago. She is single, 65 years, with no husband, boyfriend, or kids. To make this extremely long story short, I'm am up to my wits end with this woman. Since day one she has been one of the most difficult and dependable persons I've had to deal with. She is rude, defensive, can't control herself or actions when drinking, ALWAYS late, questions my every move, questions my actions with my husband, does not like when not included, gets upset when I don't answer my phone, wants to depend on me for many things and gets upset when I say no. She has mild depression. This is just a very general description of her traits, the real situations I would have to go into much more detail to explain.
I have spoken to my mom about this so many times and nothing changes. When I speak to my aunt about how I fell, she gets angry then hangs up the phone. Next thing I know, my mom is inviting her over for Christmas or other events, so I'm back in the mix. She is having surgery in Feb, so I have this feeling I will get called numerous times for different things. I feel like I'm babysitting an adult, but she is not my responsibility. My mom, her three other sibling, and my sister all live in different states, so they don't have to deal with anything.
Can anyone relate or have advice on how to handle a situation like this?
Tell her and your Mother you have a life with your husband and you are going to live that life without her unnecessary approval.
Either block her number or let her calls go to voice mail, do the same with your Mother if she chooses to nag you about your Aunt.
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