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My aunt (mother's younger sister) moved to the city where me and my husband live, maybe 5-6 years ago. She is single, 65 years, with no husband, boyfriend, or kids. To make this extremely long story short, I'm am up to my wits end with this woman. Since day one she has been one of the most difficult and dependable persons I've had to deal with. She is rude, defensive, can't control herself or actions when drinking, ALWAYS late, questions my every move, questions my actions with my husband, does not like when not included, gets upset when I don't answer my phone, wants to depend on me for many things and gets upset when I say no. She has mild depression. This is just a very general description of her traits, the real situations I would have to go into much more detail to explain.
I have spoken to my mom about this so many times and nothing changes. When I speak to my aunt about how I fell, she gets angry then hangs up the phone. Next thing I know, my mom is inviting her over for Christmas or other events, so I'm back in the mix. She is having surgery in Feb, so I have this feeling I will get called numerous times for different things. I feel like I'm babysitting an adult, but she is not my responsibility. My mom, her three other sibling, and my sister all live in different states, so they don't have to deal with anything.
Can anyone relate or have advice on how to handle a situation like this?
I had somewhat of this situation with my mother. I had to stop having a relationship with her because I decided I didn't want that behavior around me anymore. You already expressed yourself to her and she didn't change so you have 2 choices. Allow the behavior or end the relationship. Your situation is much worse because you do have a shared relationship with her in the middle. In my case everyone pretty much already withdrew from my mother so I was the last to go, but you sure have a pickle
Could you slowly bow out? Maybe pick up a hobby, volunteer, get sick (bad back), go on vacation or have another dire case that trumps your aunts needs (even if you have to make it up).
Something like this "oh auntie I would just love to help you post surgery but we already have committed to XYZ, can i help you find some in home care or someone to check on you?" Keep saying that EVERY time she asks for help or look on sites like sitter city to find her some elder care and give her the names of people who can help."
The guilt card is a hard one but it's also a mean thing to do to someone.
It just seems as though whenever I do put my foot down, the short time I say "NO," I look like the bad person and being unreasonable. Like there have been a few times her 1992 Mercedes broke down and she was stranded on the interstate late at night. Do I now leave her? She told my mom she does not have AAA.
Or she will call me crying that she is so sick and will I pick up a few things from the store for her. So now, just say no I won't go to the store? When I got to her house, she already has some of those items there. Both me and my mom were really pissed off. So when we confronted my aunt, she hung up on me.
It just seems as though whenever I do put my foot down, the short time I say "NO," I look like the bad person and being unreasonable. Like there have been a few times her 1992 Mercedes broke down and she was stranded on the interstate late at night. Do I now leave her? She told my mom she does not have AAA.
Or she will call me crying that she is so sick and will I pick up a few things from the store for her. So now, just say no I won't go to the store? When I got to her house, she already has some of those items there. Both me and my mom were really pissed off. So when we confronted my aunt, she hung up on me.
So you look like the bad person. Big deal. Currently she's looking like the bad person and doesn't seem to care. Why should you?
Stop taking her calls. It's not your job to rescue her. If she's going to drive a 23 year old car late at night without the benefit of roadside assistance, she's going to run the risk of being stranded. But she doesn't see any need to get herself AAA when she can just call you and you'll jump.
There is no magical, pain-free, drama-free way to achieve your goal. There will be drama. Ignore it. There will be recriminations from the aunt, possibly your mother and her other siblings. Stand your ground. Don't give in to complaints, accusations, tears, threats, or anything else.
It looks like your aunt identified you as someone who is easily manipulated and intends to continue using you as her personal servant and punching bag. If you want a different outcome, you are going to have to behave differently yourself. You cannot make your aunt change. So you will have to change.
Stop taking her calls. Block her number. If you do choose to answer her calls, the response to whatever it is she wants always has to be "no." She will behave as she has always behaved. You need to stop letting her behavior control you. Let her cry. Let her complain. Let her say bad things. Do not budge. The minute you cave in, you have lost your opportunity and nothing will ever change.
Of course it will be difficult. There is no way to make her stop taking advantage of you that is easy. You need to stop caring what she says or does, because she is going to continue to behave as she always has.
Say "no" and stop talking. Don't make excuses. Don't give her an explanation. The minute you say you can't do something and offer a reason, you have offered her an opening for rebuttal. Do not say anything or try to justify your refusal or offer an excuse or reason or alternative or anything else. Just. Refuse.
She won't like it. You will be made to feel uncomfortable. Learn not to care. Just tell her "I'm sorry you're unhappy, but I cannot help you." Repeat as necessary. She will ask why. Just repeat that you cannot help her. Do not try to reason with her. Do not give her a reason or an excuse. Just keep repeating that you cannot help her.
Eventually, unless she is completely crazy, she will give up asking.
It just seems as though whenever I do put my foot down, the short time I say "NO," I look like the bad person and being unreasonable. Like there have been a few times her 1992 Mercedes broke down and she was stranded on the interstate late at night. Do I now leave her? She told my mom she does not have AAA.
Or she will call me crying that she is so sick and will I pick up a few things from the store for her. So now, just say no I won't go to the store? When I got to her house, she already has some of those items there. Both me and my mom were really pissed off. So when we confronted my aunt, she hung up on me.
I suggest you read a book about boundaries. Lots on Amazon, just look and see if one catches your eye.
It just seems as though whenever I do put my foot down, the short time I say "NO," I look like the bad person and being unreasonable. Like there have been a few times her 1992 Mercedes broke down and she was stranded on the interstate late at night. Do I now leave her? She told my mom she does not have AAA.
If she has a phone to call you, she has a phone to call a tow truck and a cab. As long as you enable her, she will never do anything for herself.
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Or she will call me crying that she is so sick and will I pick up a few things from the store for her. So now, just say no I won't go to the store? When I got to her house, she already has some of those items there. Both me and my mom were really pissed off. So when we confronted my aunt, she hung up on me.
Yes, just say that you are unable to do it. Another wise poster here suggests saying, "That does not work for me right now."
When she says she is "sick" is she actually drunk? Have you and other family members considered trying to get her dried out?
As for her hip surgery. Let it be known from known from now that you can't help her. After the hospital, rather than go home quickly, she will have to go to a rehab facility for some time until she is walkable and ready to go home. Then the discharge planner can set her up with visiting nurses, help, etc. You don't have to do it.
This is great advice! Since she's 65, Medicare should cover her rehab facility. My dad had to stay in one after his shoulder surgery and medicare covered it for a month.
You can drop by and visit your aunt at the rehab, take her some flowers or some little gift, and keep the visit short.
You have gotten excellent advice already. Everyone is telling you the same thing. Say no. Don't answer the phone, put your foot down. You can't get around this without feeling badly.
This is great advice! Since she's 65, Medicare should cover her rehab facility. My dad had to stay in one after his shoulder surgery and medicare covered it for a month.
You can drop by and visit your aunt at the rehab, take her some flowers or some little gift, and keep the visit short.
This is still fixing it for her, figuring out where she is going to go or even giving ideas. She will still be on the hook. She needs to just say she won't be helping and that is that.
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