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Which is it...above you say knee surgery....and in your second post in this thread you say "hip" surgery?..I quote below...
from original poster...
"Then in February she is having hip replacement surgery, and I already know that once she is out of the hospital and family leaves it will be just me and my husband. She will call saying she needs help with all this stuff. Do I not help her then? I feel bad, but it's just getting uncontrollable."
I am wondering if any of this is true.
Yes, it's true. I would not take the time to post a fake scenario. I meant to say knee....she is having knee replacement surgery. She had the first knee done a few years back, now she is having the second knee done. She will have physical therapy, but she said the therapist will be coming to her house once she is home from the hospital. I don't know all the logistics to rehab, but she said she can't go for just one knee replacement.
My mom and sister's do live out of state. My mom is only 3 hours away in a state above me, and my other aunt is two states below me. So they don't live that far. Everyone is driving to my mom's for Christmas. I told my mom a few weeks ago, that my aunt is not riding with us. A three hour drive would turn into a six hour drive, because she has to constantly stop and use the bathroom and it takes forever.
I did tell my mom that I would leave during Christmas if drama starts, but I don't think they believe me.
Yes, it's true. I would not take the time to post a fake scenario. I meant to say knee....she is having knee replacement surgery. She had the first knee done a few years back, now she is having the second knee done. She will have physical therapy, but she said the therapist will be coming to her house once she is home from the hospital. I don't know all the logistics to rehab, but she said she can't go for just one knee replacement.
My mom and sister's do live out of state. My mom is only 3 hours away in a state above me, and my other aunt is two states below me. So they don't live that far. Everyone is driving to my mom's for Christmas. I told my mom a few weeks ago, that my aunt is not riding with us. A three hour drive would turn into a six hour drive, because she has to constantly stop and use the bathroom and it takes forever.
I did tell my mom that I would leave during Christmas if drama starts, but I don't think they believe me.
Thanks for clarifying.
Curious, who helped your Aunt after her first knee replacement?
Reqarding her pending surgery.... She should have home health available through her Doctor, she should emphasize to her Doctor that she will have no help upon discharge. Aftercare is part of discharge.
Perhaps reiterate to her and your family that you are not available as her caregiver. The Doctor and Social worker should plan her discharge accordingly.
Good luck.
Thanks for clarifying.
Curious, who helped your Aunt after her first knee replacement?
Reqarding her pending surgery.... She should have home health available through her Doctor, she should emphasize to her Doctor that she will have no help upon discharge. Aftercare is part of discharge.
Perhaps reiterate to her and your family that you are not available as her caregiver. The Doctor and Social worker should plan her discharge accordingly.
Good luck.
For her first surgery, my mom, other aunt and uncle all came down. I can remember how involved I was, but I know I helped out. It was a few years ago. But it was crazy because they day she was supposed to have her first knee surgery, they were about to roll her in the OR and the nurse was asking if she had any food or drink and she told them she had coffee that morning. They had to cancel the entire surgery and reschedule. All the surgeons, nurses, staff were ready to start. My aunt had flown all the way in from Florida and I was there also. It was a mess.
Your not supposed to know me. This is an anonymous forum.
I think you misunderstood convextech's message ... you said that you don't think your family believes that you will leave if drama starts, and convex's point is that we don't believe you either ... and we don't even know you as well as your family does.
The best way to prove you are serious about her is to skip Christmas this year. Tell your mom that you thought it over and you are just too weary of dealing with her sister to face the holiday with her. Because I also think that if you go you won't leave when it hits the fan.
Hi Rere. I was in a similar position as you are a few years back. When I finally started saying "No", of course everyone was mad. They were so used to me being a sucker that they didn't know what to do. But guess what? Gradually the "needy" ones started finding ways to solve their own problems, which of course they could have done all along except it was easier to use me. I no longer have a relationship with the "users", since they only saw me a tool and nothing more. But things are fine with me and the others in the family. I imagine when you start saying "No", your mom and the rest will be fine with it too, once they know it's permanent. Best Wishes. I hope you take action soon!
That's odd. People go to rehab after one knee replacement all the time, even those who have others who will care for them at home. PT is essential and many medical folks believe they are more likely to get that in an inpatient rehab for the first week or two after surgery. I'd call her bluff on that one.
You need to set some boundaries before your alcoholic aunt is living with you.
Decide what you are willing to do. One errand a week? One phone call a week? You will leave holiday gatherings that get out of hand?
Then be clear with your aunt and your family that this is all you are ever going to do. If she needs more assistance than that, then she needs to move to where one of the other relatives can help out or she needs to hire the help.
Growing old alone is not easy and you've been shanghaied to replace the children, spouse, relatives, friends... relationships that she didn't develop over the years. Not your fault her life has turned out this way.
Be clear about your boundaries so that your aunt can make decisions about where she wants to spend the rest of her life.
That is an excellent point.
It is not your fault that your aunt never married or had children who could help her now.
It is not your fault that your aunt did not develop long term relationship with good friends that would help her now.
It is not your fault that your aunt decided not to move where one of her siblings lived.
Look at it anyone way. Your aunt is only 65. Can you and your husband, and children (if you have them) put up with her demands for the next ten years? The next twenty years? The next thirty years?
Picture yourself twenty years from now, when your aunt is 85. I suspect that she will need A LOT more help then, maybe even fulltime care in someone's home. What if she demands to live with you and expects you to be her fulltime caregiver? We don't know your family situation, but picture trying to meet your aunt's endless demands while you have children of various ages that are your responsibility and are juggling your career and responsibilities to your husband. I bet it is not a pretty picture, is it?
Now, is a great time to set up boundaries and make your position very clear.
If you have the time or inclination, attend a few Al Anon meetings. They are for people who deal with alcoholics. You may gain some insight into your aunt and her manipulative behavior.
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It was a mess.
