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She was 95. The wake is an hour a way (more like 2 in traffic). I don’t want to drive an hour plus after work. I will send a card. I don’t understand. I would never expect anyone to attend a 95 year old grandparents wake. Only family. Close friends maybe if it’s in the area but I would never be angry if they didn’t. Yes she is a good friend but I do a lot. Attend their weddings (and out of town ones) drive far for holiday parties etc. Now she seems angry that I and others don’t want to drive 1 to 2 hours for a grandmother of her husband (that she is only married to for a few years) that we never met and she only met a few times.
I wouldn't go to the wake or funeral of a friend's recent husband's grandmother even if it were local. Too many degrees of separation.
If it were my friend's grandmother, perhaps ... if friend and I were very close and I knew that friend were particularly close to her grandmother, I might go to a local service for moral support.
I am not saying she has any right to be angry. Angry isn't the right emotion. But the grandmother won't be at the service, your friend will. Funerals are never really about the dead.
She may fear no one she feels close to will be there and she doesn't want to go alone. If you do go... ask if you can drive her there.
Last edited by Diana Holbrook; 07-15-2019 at 12:25 PM..
You'd go to weddings of friends a couple of hours away. You'd go to your friend's holiday parties a couple of hours away...but your good friend asks you to go to inlaw grandmother's funeral...and you don't want to be bothered. BUT you'd do it for a party. But not when your friend wants emotional support. Hmmm. OK.
You'd go to weddings of friends a couple of hours away. You'd go to your friend's holiday parties a couple of hours away...but your good friend asks you to go to inlaw grandmother's funeral...and you don't want to be bothered. BUT you'd do it for a party. But not when your friend wants emotional support. Hmmm. OK.
I THINK I'd be hurt and angry too.
Agree. It seems OP that no matter what all these "friends" ask of you you complain about it. Everything is an imposition. Then if you agree to whatever it is, it is done grudgingly. You can get into the weeds all you want (the drive, the time, the expense, the age of grandma, where the event is, the traffic, etc etc), but the underlying issue is still the same; either be politely honest with your friends and decline, or accept with good grace and drop it.
Last edited by Parnassia; 07-15-2019 at 01:12 PM..
I wouldn't go to the wake or funeral of a friend's recent husband's grandmother even if it were local. Too many degrees of separation.
If it were my friend's grandmother, perhaps ... if friend and I were very close and I knew that friend were particularly close to her grandmother, I might go to a local service for moral support.
This. ^
I wouldn't go either. I might go only if I had been acquainted with the deceased, but there's no way I'd go to the funeral or wake of a complete stranger. I think it would be highly inappropriate and rude.
The friend can get all the mutual support she needs from her husband and his family and the other people there who knew the dead grandma. The friend is not very smart and I can't imagine what she is thinking of. She is very inappropriate and disrespectful to other family members and friends of the deceased to be inviting strangers to the wake of another stranger.
Wakes are very personal things, not to be treated as publically as funerals or celebrations of life which may be open to anyone who wishes to attend. Wakes are different, more private, and strangers at a wake would be misfits and will be looked upon by other attendees who actually knew the deceased as interfering, unwelcome lookie-loos and sensation seekers who are there only for the free food and booze and to be entertained at a sideshow. Other attendees will be annoyed and resentful with the strangers for interfering in an affair that is emotionally charged, very personal and private to them, as well as them being resentful towards the thoughtless person that invited the strangers.
There is even the possibility that strangers who show up might be asked to leave a wake. I have seen that happen on more than one occasion.
I wouldn't go either. I might go only if I had been acquainted with the deceased, but there's no way I'd go to the funeral or wake of a complete stranger. I think it would be highly inappropriate and rude.
The friend can get all the mutual support she needs from her husband and his family and the other people there who knew the dead grandma. The friend is not very smart and I can't imagine what she is thinking of. She is very inappropriate and disrespectful to other family members and friends of the deceased to be inviting strangers to the wake of another stranger.
Wakes are very personal things, not to be treated as publically as funerals or celebrations of life which may be open to anyone who wishes to attend. Wakes are different, more private, and strangers at a wake would be misfits and will be looked upon by other attendees who actually knew the deceased as interfering, unwelcome lookie-loos and sensation seekers who are there only for the free food and booze and to be entertained at a sideshow. Other attendees will be annoyed and resentful with the strangers for interfering in an affair that is emotionally charged, very personal and private to them, as well as them being resentful towards the thoughtless person that invited the strangers.
There is even the possibility that strangers who show up might be asked to leave a wake. I have seen that happen on more than one occasion.
.
But they're NOT strangers to the family. ONE of the family members asked OP (and apparently some other people as well) to come, so they wouldn't have been "lookie loos".
And this friend and her husband have been married a few years...so not like she's the new bride who doesn't know anyone. She's a MEMBER of this family and has been for a few years now. She has as much right as every other family member, to want emotional support from her friends.
Geez, I've been to my friend's mother's wake...and I never met the mother...or any other member of my friend's family. But I went to show support, and I MET other family members, and they were lovely.
A few years later, same friend's dad died. Same situation, except I now know a couple of the other family members, and everyone was lovely.
When MY dad died, a handful of people from my work came to the visitation. I was touched, and gratified that they came to pay their respects. I thought of it as a kindness, and it pleased me that they came.
When my BIL's dad died...a man I had barely interacted with over the years, I went to his visitation, and his funeral. I did it out of respect for my sister, and her husband, and her husband's family.
It sounds like OP's friend is dandy for fun stuff, but not good enough for the rough stuff, like being a supportive friend.
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