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I think she;s being unreasonable. I drive two hours to a good friend's mothers Wake, but I knew her, we met and had I dinner with the family multiple times. This though is too many degrees of separation.
I think at that age, no one is surprised when they pass. It's much harder when someone dies in the prime of their lives unexpectedly. At 95, I would hope that everyone has already had a chance to say their goodbyes and I love you's.
Yes, that's kind of obvious, but also irrelevant in this particular situation. The issue is that the OP doesn't even know the friend's husband's grandmother. Her age has nothing to do with it. If the friend's husband grandmother was 80, would that be different?
I once worked for a man whose mother died at 90. He came back to work afterward, and another guy who worked there actually said to him, "I'm sorry to hear your mother died, but I heard she was 90." As if when your mother reaches a certain age, her death doesn't matter.
And not a real smart thing to say to your boss.
My mother is 90, also. We talk on the phone, we go to lunch, we play Scrabble. If I find out tomorrow she's gone, I will not be shocked but I will certainly be sad, and I'm not going to say, "Oh well. She was 90 anyway."
I don't understand this whole thing about "showing support". Unless you are literally providing a shoulder to cry on by sitting with the bereaved, I doing get the idea of "showing support". Is it by adding to the number present at the service---people like to talk about how many showed up.
I have had too many uncomfortable experiences at conventional funerals and I don't attend unless I know the deceased.
I sometimes just attend the visitation and not the funeral service as that is where there is more time to spend with the family and "show support."
I want to add one more thing on this thread. When my mother died, she had been in a nursing home, in horrible shape, for two years.
I wanted a graveside service but was over ruled by another family member. There was a church funeral. Church was packed. I has no sense of anyone "showing support" but rather sat wondering how many of those in that packed church has "showed support" by visiting her in the nursing home.
I want to add one more thing on this thread. When my mother died, she had been in a nursing home, in horrible shape, for two years.
I wanted a graveside service but was over ruled by another family member. There was a church funeral. Church was packed. I has no sense of anyone "showing support" but rather sat wondering how many of those in that packed church has "showed support" by visiting her in the nursing home.
My grandmother died in a nursing home too. What made me mad is none of the long distance relatives, including her two sons, came to see her even once the entire year she was there. She used to ask me if she had sons, and when I’d say yes, she’d ask why they don’t come to see her.
But everyone came to the funeral, and they all walked around her home claiming she told them they could have that grandfather clock or those dishes.
If you can only afford one trip, better to see the person while alive. That’s what my niece and I did when my uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We flew out to spend time with him and my aunt, and he passed three weeks later. My aunt was very understanding we couldn’t afford to come out again and I will always be glad we made seeing him alive the priority.
In early 2018 I decided not to drive 8+ hrs each way, with an overnight stay at a hotel, to attend an uncle's funeral. I looked into flights and the cost was going to be >$600 and I'd still have needed to rent a car and drive 2+ hrs to get to the small town and get a hotel room. My cousins were driving from their city, 4 hrs away, so it was a 1-day round trip for them.
I mulled it over and over and decided that it was too far away, too difficult, and too expensive to make the trip for what would be a 2 hr funeral/burial. My mother and aunt, who are even further away and are elderly, couldn't make a 1,000+mi journey and neither will fly, so they didn't make the trip even though it was their brother.
I had tried to visit my uncle a few years ago when he and his wife were visiting the kids (my cousins). I asked if I could drive up to visit (4 hrs away) and had to ask twice because I got no answer from my cousin and then I was told uncle & wife were going to be leaving or visiting someone...basically I was told "no."
My cousins, who weren't in touch much before except for a once a year Happy Birthday message on Facebook, have never spoken to me again after I didn't attend the funeral; turns out I got all the blame for "our side not showing up" to the funeral. They remain in touch with my mother and aunt and continue to send them cards and flowers and gifts.
Last edited by lottamoxie; 07-16-2019 at 07:34 PM..
If you can only afford one trip, better to see the person while alive. That’s what my niece and I did when my uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We flew out to spend time with him and my aunt, and he passed three weeks later. My aunt was very understanding we couldn’t afford to come out again and I will always be glad we made seeing him alive the priority.
Why you just take things out of context that I would only be their for fun times. I’ve been there for all different things. Moves, divorces etc....there hasn’t been anything else yet.
You're the one who said " Attend their weddings (and out of town ones) drive far for holiday parties etc."
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