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Thanks everyone. It's heartbreaking to watch someone do this to themselves. I know I should walk away, but I worry about her so much. I called the police a few months ago because she was making self-harm statements. Later she told me I probably saved her life.
What if she calls again and I don't answer? What if she does hurt herself next time? I don't think I could live with the guilt.
I'm at my wit's end with my friend. I am really like the mother she never had. She is only 26 and this is her third time in rehab. She went back to rehab about a month ago when everyone begged her to go. She also suffers from anxiety.
She got out yesterday and called her boss at 9am this morning, crying and drunk.
Does anyone have experience with something like this? It's sad because she's very intelligent, fun and pretty. She would have a very bright future if she could beat her alcohol addiction.
You need to cut this turkey off.
Being given too many chances and blowing them off.
Thanks everyone. It's heartbreaking to watch someone do this to themselves. I know I should walk away, but I worry about her so much. I called the police a few months ago because she was making self-harm statements. Later she told me I probably saved her life.
What if she calls again and I don't answer? What if she does hurt herself next time? I don't think I could live with the guilt.
Guilt is for when you do something wrong. There is nothing wrong with cutting off a manipulative person. And nobody can be responsible for someone else killing themselves.
It sounds like she still has a lot of people who care about her, even love her. So unfortunately the see-saw of addiction with her is also a mechanism for getting attention and sympathy -- and lots of both. A shoulder to cry on and comfort her and tell her how hard her life is when she messes up, and a cheerleading squad to boost her spirits when she's having a sober period of time / trip to rehab. Unfortunately, that emotional payoff may not be making it any easier for her to really want to quit for herself. Additionally, some people enjoy action / change/ drama and kind of enjoy a whirlwind life (no idea if this is the case for her, though).
The large group of friends and family will change, over time, as her addiction continues to weed people out of her life for her. That can go one of two ways. She can see the damage she's doing to others and resolve to get help for herself because of herself, or she can end up a lonely bitter old addict. The only question in that case might be, how many family/friends/partners/kids/etc. will she royally screw up along the way. We've all probably seen it go both ways.
If you do choose to continue to be her friend and be there for her, I would advise you to, at the least, take a policy of "I will absolutely not speak with you / see you / text back / answer your calls when you are drunk." That will help you interact with her only when she is sober-minded.
Thanks everyone. It's heartbreaking to watch someone do this to themselves. I know I should walk away, but I worry about her so much. I called the police a few months ago because she was making self-harm statements. Later she told me I probably saved her life.
What if she calls again and I don't answer? What if she does hurt herself next time? I don't think I could live with the guilt.
That's guilt you've synthesized in your head. No one on earth is powerful enough, absent being Merlin the Magician, to get in the head of someone else and control them.
She is an adult, you cannot control her. It would be a very sad thing for you if that happened, but thats different from guilt manufactured from misunderstanding what you are capable of. You're not Merlin.
Thanks everyone. It's heartbreaking to watch someone do this to themselves. I know I should walk away, but I worry about her so much. I called the police a few months ago because she was making self-harm statements. Later she told me I probably saved her life.
What if she calls again and I don't answer? What if she does hurt herself next time? I don't think I could live with the guilt.
It is heartbreaking, but you're worried about someone who doesn't even worry about herself. You are carrying far too much responsibility for someone who is a loose cannon. I know you care, but just like millions of others who care about those with addictions, you have to learn that you can't save her from herself. Please find resources for yourself such as AA support for friends/famliies of addicts, so you learn not to pick up other people's burdens.
I'd suggest you get help for yourself. I am not a proponent of Al Anon or any 12 Step programs, but I suggest you find a counselor or group if you can to help you separate yourself from the responsibility you feel. No matter what happens to your friend, it can't be carried by you - her health and well-being is her own responsibility.
If you choose to cut her off (and I think you should), you will need to be honest with her and explain it clearly and don't mince words. Tell her that her lifestyle will drag you down and it's not fair - you would not do that to her, and that you are done with her until she straightens herself out.
***And be done.*** Do not look back. If she sends you a text threatening suicide again, simply call 911 and let it be handled by someone else. It's not your circus, do not get involved.
Thanks everyone. It's heartbreaking to watch someone do this to themselves. I know I should walk away, but I worry about her so much. I called the police a few months ago because she was making self-harm statements. Later she told me I probably saved her life.
What if she calls again and I don't answer? What if she does hurt herself next time? I don't think I could live with the guilt.
If she knows that she can always depend on you she will continue to use you. If she calls you again making self-harm statements she clearly has mental issues along with the knowledge that she is manipulating you. Threatening suicide to someone who loves you is manipulation. I appreciate that you helped her - but in hindsight - you saved her life so that she can continue to drink - thus killing herself one bottle at a time.
You can analyze this forever - the decision is yours. I know (I think I really do) how scary and frustrating this is. I will say this - if you do tell her that you are out of her life for good (which I think is the best and healthiest choice for you) make ABSOLUTELY sure that you mean it and you stand by your decision. If you waver one time - she will call your bluff and you are sucked right back in. You have to be all in or all out.
Wish her well, say good-bye, and tell her that when/if she decides to live and get clean she can become a part of your life again. It may give her a goal to work towards if she love you back as much as you clearly love her.
I think you need to go to Al-Anon meetings. Otherwise you may never see her for what she is She'll manipulate you, hurt you, cajole, joke around, whatever it is, as long as she can get away with it. Alcohol is her master of choice. Only she can choose to stay away from it, no one can make her do it. Not even you. Alcohol will destroy you too if you don't get away.
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