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I'm at my wit's end with my friend. I am really like the mother she never had. She is only 26 and this is her third time in rehab. She went back to rehab about a month ago when everyone begged her to go. She also suffers from anxiety.
She got out yesterday and called her boss at 9am this morning, crying and drunk.
Does anyone have experience with something like this? It's sad because she's very intelligent, fun and pretty. She would have a very bright future if she could beat her alcohol addiction.
Voting for Al-Anon like many other posters.
Just for you though.
She's not going to get better until SHE is ready. You can't fix this and could even be delaying her recovery by helping her. She may need to really hit rock bottom.
Anyway, just my 2 cents...go talk to the experts....heck just read the AA "big book" its free on-line and should help you.
I'm pretty sure 99% of therapists, counselors, and any psychiatrist well versed in alcoholism would disagree with this statement. Walking away from a detrimental, self-destructive, codependent, enabling relationship is the best thing you can do to help yourself and the addict, especially if you love the person (and yourself! We shouldn't have to suffer because of someone else's actions), and allows for healing on both ends (the person cutting ties learns to establish healthy boundaries and the addict learns to cope with being forced to handle their own issues without someone else picking up the pieces for them).
To say that cutting ties has nothing to do with help, love, or healing is downright false.
Perhaps what we are missing here is the fact that my life was not in the least disturbed by (let's call her Linda)'s actions.
Linda is the daughter of a neighbor, and I formed sort of an uncle-like relationship with her.
For some reason, Linda was able to speak openly and frankly with me - more so than she could with her parents, and especially her father. Perhaps the reason was precisely BECAUSE (as we say around here) I did not have a horse in that race.
In other words, my only interest was in Linda's well being. My only interest in the DUI's and arrests, and days when she went missing was the well-being of this young lady. I never paid bail, never had to pay for wrecked cars, etc...
I can see where you assumed I suffered in some way by being associated with Linda, but I can assure you I did not.
The OP seems to be involved with her young lady in a way very similar to the way I was with Linda. I think - and Linda never said this to me - what happened is that Linda saw a life style in us (my wife and me) that she wanted to emulate. So it gave her a goal of sorts.
Perhaps what we are missing here is the fact that my life was not in the least disturbed by (let's call her Linda)'s actions.
Linda is the daughter of a neighbor, and I formed sort of an uncle-like relationship with her.
For some reason, Linda was able to speak openly and frankly with me - more so than she could with her parents, and especially her father. Perhaps the reason was precisely BECAUSE (as we say around here) I did not have a horse in that race.
In other words, my only interest was in Linda's well being. My only interest in the DUI's and arrests, and days when she went missing was the well-being of this young lady. I never paid bail, never had to pay for wrecked cars, etc...
I can see where you assumed I suffered in some way by being associated with Linda, but I can assure you I did not.
The OP seems to be involved with her young lady in a way very similar to the way I was with Linda. I think - and Linda never said this to me - what happened is that Linda saw a life style in us (my wife and me) that she wanted to emulate. So it gave her a goal of sorts.
I actually never made any assumptions. I was merely responding to your inaccurate remarks about people who offer "tough love" to addicts; you claimed that those who established healthy boundaries by cutting off an addict lack love, help, and healing. That couldn't be farther from the truth and any expert counselor, therapist, psychiatrist, person who's well-versed in alcoholism/codependency/enabling, etc will tell you that.
It sounds like your relationship was entirely different with Linda than it was with the OP and her addict friend (which I already stated, it sounds like your friend Linda is in an entirely different place than the OP's friend, which is why your tactics with Linda will only enable the OP's friend). In the case of the OP, going no contact is the best thing to do for all parties involved.
I do want to add that I am very happy for your friend Linda. She beat the odds and it is great that when she was in a good place/ready to get serious help she had you there. Consider yourself lucky that you were never dragged into the drama of a codependent relationship that comes along with majority of alcoholics out there.
Last edited by sunshinelove0000; 12-13-2015 at 02:04 PM..
The addiction is more important to the addict than anything else.
Until she finds something more important than practicing her addiction & she herself seeks help to live in sobriety---she will keep practicing it.
Tell her if opportunity arises, that you care about her but you can't be around her while she's still using--- because you do not need the drama. Then do not get involved. Addicts play people until they run out of supporters and then sometimes they realize their life is trashed & they need get clean. If that ever happens, you can reconsider.
If you need a support group, seek one. Keep in mind you are responding from your heart not your head. You need not get pulled into the addict's drama, because it unfortunately will not end once you do. It's a tough spot.
I have absolutely experienced this with my husband. He went into rehab four times and relapsed every single time and it was heartbreaking for me and him. He also went to AA and had moments and times of sobriety that he told me he would never drink again and he had found the light, however he drank himself to death September 3 2014 so I don't have a lot of help to offer you
Thanks everyone. It's heartbreaking to watch someone do this to themselves. I know I should walk away, but I worry about her so much. I called the police a few months ago because she was making self-harm statements. Later she told me I probably saved her life.
What if she calls again and I don't answer? What if she does hurt herself next time? I don't think I could live with the guilt.
I know you care about her & all, & not to seem harsh here, but unless you want to dedicate your life to being her "babysitter" & forsake your own life's happiness, your focus on your career, family & having your own family, other better friends, romantic relationship, your hobbies, health (physically & mentally) etc., then by all means, so ahead & quit your job & watch over her then because what she needs is a 24/7 person to tell her what to do, eat, how to be, not to have self-damaging or suicidal thoughts, when to wake up in the morning, etc., etc., etc. & I don't think you have that kind of time, do you? No one can watch anyone 24/7 unless maybe if they're at a mental institution & under watch, but that's not your responsibility.
Don't allow yourself to let this person gradually drag you down because it could very easily happen. YOU are & should be your #1 priority. No one else should be ahead of that. If she does end up harming herself or worse, it's not your fault & you shouldn't feel guilty whatsoever. I mean what are you going to do? People are responsible for their own bodies & choices.
I have absolutely experienced this with my husband. He went into rehab four times and relapsed every single time and it was heartbreaking for me and him. He also went to AA and had moments and times of sobriety that he told me he would never drink again and he had found the light, however he drank himself to death September 3 2014 so I don't have a lot of help to offer you
I'm so sorry for your loss. That's awful. I hope you are working through your grief.
I myself would not waste my time going to Al Anon for support to learn how I need to deal with someone else's problem. That is why it best to walk away. There is no such thing as a person who is permanently in anyone's life period.
Responses like these reflect our sad state of the "Me Society" nowadays.
OP, remember that you have more choice in this than the addict has over her drinking. Alanon could help you help her or at the very least, you will probably learn something. Never a bad thing.
I suspect many of the responders here are the same in the current thread of "how do you feel when an addict dies." Hint: most don't care.
Yet probably, they don't overlap. I just really don't wanna believe how much hate and apathy our society has for addicts. Doctors included.
I'm pretty sure 99% of therapists, counselors, and any psychiatrist well versed in alcoholism would disagree with this statement. Walking away from a detrimental, self-destructive, codependent, enabling relationship is the best thing you can do to help yourself and the addict, especially if you love the person (and yourself! We shouldn't have to suffer because of someone else's actions), and allows for healing on both ends (the person cutting ties learns to establish healthy boundaries and the addict learns to cope with being forced to handle their own issues without someone else picking up the pieces for them).
To say that cutting ties has nothing to do with help, love, or healing is downright false.
I guess I'm part of the 1%.... but this doesn't seem possible since my peers also do not practice this philosophy as a first line response. ....
It's not so black and white like most everyone here is making it out to be.
POSITIVE BEHAVIOR REINFORCEMENT WORKS MUCH BETTER THAN NEGATIVE. (Eg, try "I'm so proud of you for keeping sober for 3 days this week. That's good progress. Let's celebrate by XYZ." vs, "You are such a losers for relapsing again! I'm cutting you out of my life!") What do YOU THINK would cause a relapse?
Everyone seems stuck in this "tough love" mentality from the 1980s and 90s. Didn't work then. Probably won't work now. It reminds me of another perpetuated myth that "all addicts NEED A 30 DAY RESIDENTIAL program." That's about as relevant as all this information about "cutting all ties" (ie, it works for less than half of addicts. Much less.)
And yes, I do have personal (as well as professional) experience with addicts.
The OP is asking for HELP TO HELP HER. She's made it clear that she wants to stay in her life.
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