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I have an old roommate, "Beth," from college. We were very close back then (about ten years ago). After college, we lived on opposite sides of the country, but we'd see each other about once or twice a year. We kind of lost touch, and we haven't seen each other in three years.
About two ago, she and her husband moved to Charlottesville, Virginia (about 3 1/2 hours south of here), and we committed to see each other more often. We all seemed genuinely excited about the prospect. I made an attempt to visit in March, but they were out of town visiting her in-laws.
Anyway, I texted Beth about a week ago say, "Hey Beth! Looking to come down to Virginia sometime this winter to visit you and Zach. Would any weekend be best?"
She didn't reply for three days. Her response read, "Hey! We'd love to host you. First two weeks in February would be best."
I replied, "Thanks for offering to host me. That's never expected. Let's plan for the first weekend of February. Can't wait to see you!"
She didn't replay.
Judging these texts, do you think she might be feeling lukewarm about my visit?
How do I gracefully receive reassurance that they're really excited to have me visit and stay with them? If they're not, how to I gracefully bow out?
Only you know Beth. I don't know her. If it were my ex roomies it would not bother me because I never expect much from them. Always knew them as wild and outgoing party people. If they want to see me then they will let it be known. It's that simple.
I'm amazed how many people think a delay of a couple days automatically means she doesn't want to see him. Cross-checking schedule with her husband, seeing if she can maybe take a day off work, kids? Three days is nothing to make week-long plans for a house guest.
All relationships demand instant gratification or they're null and void? Good grief.
Take people at their word until they prove you shouldn't. She offered to host him. She didn't have to do that.
I say, make a quick phone call and then stop second-guessing everything.
Hmm there's that whole texting thing again. I think we need to put down our cell phones, talk in person or over the the telephone, and stop trying to second guess the texts. I think way too much is lost or misinterpreted by such an impersonal media. Talk to her in real life before you let your anxieties and insecurities interfere with a relationship that may very well be perfectly fine.
I'm amazed how many people think a delay of a couple days automatically means she doesn't want to see him. Cross-checking schedule with her husband, seeing if she can maybe take a day off work, kids? Three days is nothing to make week-long plans for a house guest.
All relationships demand instant gratification or they're null and void? Good grief.
Take people at their word until they prove you shouldn't. She offered to host him. She didn't have to do that.
I say, make a quick phone call and then stop second-guessing everything.
Ever hear of just getting back to someone and saying "I need to run this by my husband" or " I will let you know", some type of response? It's called manners. No one likes to be left in the lurch.
The OP made the mistake of texting, when was the last time they actually even talked on the phone? Doesn't mention if he even knows the husband?
Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy
Hmm there's that whole texting thing again. I think we need to put down our cell phones, talk in person or over the the telephone, and stop trying to second guess the texts. I think way too much is lost or misinterpreted by such an impersonal media. Talk to her in real life before you let your anxieties and insecurities interfere with a relationship that may very well be perfectly fine.
This. And with a phone call the OP would have HEARD any hesitation in her voice. The inflection of the voice says a lot, texting is fine for a quick message, you want to make plans that involve traveling and visting talk to the person live.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Steinish
Maybe the husband isn't real thrilled about a gay guy hanging around his house for a weekend?
That could be part of it. I thought the OP was a woman at first, their name is a character from a John Water's film, maybe the OP is somewhat on the dramatic side, and Beth's husband isn't very open minded.
Sometimes you also have to move on in life, they don't really sound very close, lost contact, did the OP go to their wedding, does he even know the husband?
Hmm there's that whole texting thing again. I think we need to put down our cell phones, talk in person or over the the telephone, and stop trying to second guess the texts. I think way too much is lost or misinterpreted by such an impersonal media. Talk to her in real life before you let your anxieties and insecurities interfere with a relationship that may very well be perfectly fine.
This. Ever reply to a text and then later realize you didn't actually send the response?
Otherwise, so many posts here ask what other people are thinking. How do we know? If she's your friend, you should be able to talk to her about it, not talk to the internet about her.
I feel like with a text, a quick response isn't required or even requested. If someone really wants a quick answer, they call. Even then, I'm under no obligation to drop everything and attend to the current situation/question/etc outside of what's going on with my immediate family or an emergency.
I feel like with a text, a quick response isn't required or even requested. If someone really wants a quick answer, they call. Even then, I'm under no obligation to drop everything and attend to the current situation/question/etc outside of what's going on with my immediate family or an emergency.
Well put. Texts and email, in and of themselves, don't create a sense of urgency. Seems like a passive, almost lazy way of communicating
i looked up an old friend from childhood when I knew i'd be in town visiting. She INSISTED that I stay with her (i was already in a hotel) first in a spare condo that she had and then with her parents in their home (we grew up together). It was really, really uncomfortable, with mixed messages all over the place. She insisted i stay with them, then it felt like they could not wait to get me out of there. It was bizarre. In retrospect, if I had it to do over again, i would have just stayed in the hotel, and visited her, her new husband, and her parents.
Part of the discomfort was that we had grown in different directions. Part of was that I knew her in her "old life" (she was on husband number 4 i believe) and she seemed constantly on edge that I would reveal something about this to her new husband. I will never do that again, stay with someone when they insist. When I did leave (we're only talking 2-3 days at each place, less than a week total) she was so obviously relieved, that I asked her about it point blank and she admitted they all thought i would never leave, that i was planning to move in and be a freeloader. Like I said it was bizarre.
i am also big on clear direct communication. people need to know how to say "yes let's get together for coffee or a meal" and "i'm not able to put up guests at this time, sorry about that" or even "I thought we could host you, but I spoke out of turn, we can recommend a good motel nearby" or "it looks like i won't be able to see you this visit, my schedule is really busy, maybe next time!"
I have an old roommate, "Beth," from college. We were very close back then (about ten years ago). After college, we lived on opposite sides of the country, but we'd see each other about once or twice a year. We kind of lost touch, and we haven't seen each other in three years.
About two ago, she and her husband moved to Charlottesville, Virginia (about 3 1/2 hours south of here), and we committed to see each other more often. We all seemed genuinely excited about the prospect. I made an attempt to visit in March, but they were out of town visiting her in-laws.
Anyway, I texted Beth about a week ago say, "Hey Beth! Looking to come down to Virginia sometime this winter to visit you and Zach. Would any weekend be best?"
She didn't reply for three days. Her response read, "Hey! We'd love to host you. First two weeks in February would be best."
I replied, "Thanks for offering to host me. That's never expected. Let's plan for the first weekend of February. Can't wait to see you!"
She didn't replay.
Judging these texts, do you think she might be feeling lukewarm about my visit?
How do I gracefully receive reassurance that they're really excited to have me visit and stay with them? If they're not, how to I gracefully bow out?
I would have called and asked if she would be available to meet for lunch or supper on a specific weekend because you will be in town. Then she can invite you to stay with her or agree to meet for the meal and go on her way.
I just don't think I would be interested in spending time with someone I had not had a real relationship with for 10 years though, too many changes, too much time has passed.
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