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not everybody is on their computers or phones all the time. Or maybe she was out of town? Who knows but I would not assume quickly she doesn't want you over. She even invited you to stay there, that's a biggie!!
Anyhow, I would stay in a hotel, not at her place.
I'd like to hear what others have to say about this.
If I were in town for business or if I were passing through en route to somewhere else, yes, I would have asked them out to dinner. But given that they live 3.5 hours away (and I'd have to rent a car), inviting them out for dinner may sound inauthentic.
Like, I'll probably visit a friend in DC (only 45 min. away) and an acquaintance (best friend from high school's brother) in Richmond the same weekend, but they're clearly not the purpose of trip.
If I'm understanding this right,let me offer this:
I am going on a cruise from Seattle to Juneau, Skagway and Victoria, and I do have an uncle who I haven't seen since 1991 in Seattle. I also now have an aunt (his wife), whom I've never even met.
My uncle is somebody I love as family, but also just like as a person. He was a good role model growing up.
Despite that, my first inkling was to say to him, "Hey, I'm coming up to Seattle in June because of a cruise. Might catch a Sounders match. Wanna have dinner?" Nothing inauthentic about it. I like them. They are family, in my case. But I also recognize that they are unfamiliar with me to an extent. The ball is in their court. No awkwardness.
'Dawn', just to clarify things, were the two of you actually roommates, or were you housemates? Roommates seems a bit odd. Were you actually friends (as in, spent time together in the same location) for any amount of time after you ceased living 'together'?
And finally, did you know each other before you were 'roommates'?
Don't try to read too much into it. If she really didn't want you there, she would have come up with any number of vague excuses like "I'd love to see you BUT...things are crazy here", or "I'm really busy at work, let me get back to you."
I think the fact that she responded with actual dates and specifically said she wanted to host you indicate that she really wants to see you. If she didn't want you staying at her house, she would've offered a few hotel suggestions and told you how wonderful they were.
I think it's normal she took a few days to reply to make sure the dates were good with her husband. Besides, there are times when I've left my phone somewhere and it's not on me 24/7. I don't text someone unless I have something of consequence to say. I'm not one of these who will text every little word that you might say in a conversation such as:
"looking forward to it"
"yeah, me too"
"me three"
"see you later alligator"
"after a while crocodile"
"bye"
"bye"
You can text her back and ask what is her & her husband's favorite restaurant, and say you'd love try it and want to take them as your guests.
OP, I wouldn't read too much into her delayed response. When she responded with the invitation, she was warm and inviting.
I have had people never receive a text message, or receive a very delayed text message before. Also, people communicate in different ways and have different expectations of time lines. For instance, if I texted my mom, I'd never get a response. When she leaves me a voice mail, I never listen to it. If I send her an email, she may not read it for days. My dad would read one within ten minutes of me sending it. But he often won't even turn his cell phone on so if he's not home it can be maddening trying to reach him in an urgent situation.
Just before Christmas, my stepson and his girlfriend were driving in from about five hours away. He is not always the best communicator anyway, so we're a bit on the defense about it. Anyway, I texted him (his dad was driving so that's why I texted) asking them where they were so we could decide whether or not to go to the grocery store before or after they got in. No answer. No answer for an hour. No answer for two hours. By three hours, we were ticked off. Finally my husband called him and said, "Why aren't you responding to us?" and my step son said "I don't know what you're talking about but hey, we're almost there." Come to find out, he had taken the back way, which has notoriously terrible phone service, and had never gotten the text from me at all. He got it about two days later! Weird but true.
So...what I'd do would be just call her and say, "Hey, I can't wait to see you! What hotels do you recommend in the area? I wasn't trying to invite myself as a house guest - I just wanted to get to see you while I'm in the area!" Then see what she says and just go with it. I wouldn't assume the worst.
Moderator cut: orphaned post and response
If it matters, I'm actually a gay man. We're in our thirties.
It would be a shame to lose her as a friend, but if that's the case, it's really no big deal--I get it. I'd just like a clearer signal like, "You know, Dawn, this is shaping up to be a really hectic winter, and I don't know when Zach and I will have time to host a guest."
Or, "It's wonderful that you're coming down to Virginia. Let us know, and we'll meet for coffee."
The fact that she said, "We'd love to host you!" after a three-day delay is sending mixed messages.
So, you think that I should still plan on going until she offers more clues.
I think you are reading to much into it.
I would wait til you arrive, and play it by ear re:hotel.
My guess is you will be a great guest and any hesitation, real or imagined will dissipate because you all will have a great time.
I would look into a hotel reservation and then CALL her and say, "I've got a reservation at X hotel to confirm for Feb x-x. Do those dates still work for you to get together? If she says you should stay with her, insist on the hotel. You will both enjoy the trip better if you keep this visit low key. And you can always stay with her later if you do rekindle your friendship. Emphasize to her that you have a few other commitments in Charlottesville (even if you don't) and you don't expect her to entertain you every hour you're there. Suggest getting together for cocktails on your arrival if it's Friday night or brunch on Saturday. Then say, "If we want to make additional plans, we can do if after we see each other."
You can't be any more generous in letting her off the hook if that's what she desires. Her reluctance in contacting you could stem from any of a thousand reasons. Maybe she suffers from depression. Maybe there's an illness in her family. Maybe her marriage isn't going too well. Maybe she looks terrible and doesn't want to be seen by old friends. Let her know subtly you're not going to be demanding of instant closeness.
I agree, but this friend has never really liked talking on the phone all that much.
I think this is probably right, although it wasn't at all my intention. Whenever I stay with friends or family, I always treat the host with gifts and food equal to the cost of a night at a reasonable hotel. And I think she knows me well enough to know that I know to do that.
I think I'll call her (despite her aversion to phones), and say "Thank you for your generosity, but it may be best that I stay in a hotel." If she asks why, I'll say that I'm bringing down a bit of work.
If she insists on me staying with her, I will.
If she does not insist, I'll book the hotel.
I would have emailed her, if she doesn't like talking on the phone, and I would have phrased it differently. "We're planning a visit to your area, and we'd love to see you while we're in town. Which weekend would be best to meet for lunch or dinner?" That sort of thing.
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That and you don't know if the other person received your text either. I've had that happen before too.
