My personality is too strong and is affecting my relationships (husband, present)
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I started a job recently and in the first two months, I was very social with everyone, everyone enjoyed my company and invited me everywhere. I got really close to a couple people too. Recently that has just fizzled out, quite suddenly. I can tell that people's opinions about me have changed. This has happened to me before too. I can tell this is an "over time" thing, because people I only see once in awhile enjoy hanging out with me. There are certain attributes about me (as an otherwise normal guy), that make people dislike me over time even though in the beginning people like me.
- I lightheartedly tease friends. It's not even mean stuff, but I can definitely see how it could get annoying. I don't mean to be a dick, I just enjoy messing around and don't mind at all if someone dishes it back at me. I am guessing this does not fly outside of college.
- I know I come across as dominating, even though I'm not sure where. I never steer conversations and I never force an opinion, but somehow I still know I give off an overpowering vibe.
I am looking for any inputs. Are there people in your life that used to be friends, had no major flaws but had minor personality traits that added up over time? I used to be very introverted so now I'm making up for it TOO much. I can't figure out a middle ground.
1) Regarding work: Don't mistake your office for a social playground. While it's great to get along with the people you work with, pick and choose carefully over time who you allow into your "real" life. The primary reason you're there is to work. It takes more than a few months to assess what's really going on at your office, who the players are, who will take every opportunity to get one up on you. Sit back and observe, socialize judiciously.
2) Never miss an opportunity to shut up. I think Will Rogers said this. It's something I still struggle with.
3) Teasing-stop it, at least with coworkers. I struggle also with this, especially when I'm given a huge opening. Everyone doesn't have your same sense of humor. As my sister has said, "You're always funny, but you're not always nice."
Just dial it back a little. Try to talk 1/3 less than you feel you want to. Observe. That you're even aware of this and concerned about it is huge.
I started a job recently and in the first two months, I was very social with everyone, everyone enjoyed my company and invited me everywhere. I got really close to a couple people too. Recently that has just fizzled out, quite suddenly. I can tell that people's opinions about me have changed. This has happened to me before too. I can tell this is an "over time" thing, because people I only see once in awhile enjoy hanging out with me. There are certain attributes about me (as an otherwise normal guy), that make people dislike me over time even though in the beginning people like me.
- I lightheartedly tease friends. It's not even mean stuff, but I can definitely see how it could get annoying. I don't mean to be a dick, I just enjoy messing around and don't mind at all if someone dishes it back at me. I am guessing this does not fly outside of college.
- I know I come across as dominating, even though I'm not sure where. I never steer conversations and I never force an opinion, but somehow I still know I give off an overpowering vibe.
I am looking for any inputs. Are there people in your life that used to be friends, had no major flaws but had minor personality traits that added up over time? I used to be very introverted so now I'm making up for it TOO much. I can't figure out a middle ground.
This is likely your problem. You're overcompensating and others can see that. This is one of those traits that often takes a bit of time to see, so it doesn't surprise me that you make friends quickly only to see them fall off later.
I'm also curious why you think you come off as "dominating" and "overpowering". My guess is that, while you may perceive it that way(or wish others to), you're actually coming across as very insecure. That's difficult for most people to be around.
You say that you "light heartedly" tease. Well, that's your take. But be aware that constant teasing grows old FAST. And as a personality habit it seems to function as a way of keeping other people on the defensive, and people do not like that.
It's a juvenile approach to humor, and an irritating way to relate to other adults.
I went to the hospital yesterday for a test that takes several hours and it is one I have repeated over the years, so I am familiar with the team that performs the test. The young man who was the phlebotomist for several of the previous tests was not part of the team this time. As he was a very outgoing young man with a non-stop flow of humor, I inquired about him.
The response from the team was enlightening. The young woman who performs the technical part of the test was strapping me up when I asked. She looked up, and said with obvious relief, "Oh, he's gone now. Thank God...." and she said that his constant talking, and his teasing drove her crazy over the course of a work day. She turned to the two doctors present, and repeated my question to them, and these normally somewhat reserved man and woman both burst out with their happiness that he was gone and rolled their eyes...and they both mentioned the non-stop talking and the teasing.
I thought about my past visits, and I realized that though I enjoyed the fellow, I did not work with him for eight hours...and upon thinking about it I realized that he would have been a big PIA. I only saw him for fifteen minutes in the beginning, and another ten in the middle and a quick five at the end of a six hour test...and that was it. The team was with him for eight hours or more five days a week.
Given your own description of your approach to people, I would agree with those who say to try to cut back a bit on the amount of talking that you do, but definitely drop teasing as your style. It definitely is not an adult way of relating to people.
I started a job recently and in the first two months, I was very social with everyone, everyone enjoyed my company and invited me everywhere. I got really close to a couple people too. Recently that has just fizzled out, quite suddenly. I can tell that people's opinions about me have changed. This has happened to me before too. I can tell this is an "over time" thing, because people I only see once in awhile enjoy hanging out with me. There are certain attributes about me (as an otherwise normal guy), that make people dislike me over time even though in the beginning people like me.
- I lightheartedly tease friends. It's not even mean stuff, but I can definitely see how it could get annoying. I don't mean to be a dick, I just enjoy messing around and don't mind at all if someone dishes it back at me. I am guessing this does not fly outside of college.
- I know I come across as dominating, even though I'm not sure where. I never steer conversations and I never force an opinion, but somehow I still know I give off an overpowering vibe.
I am looking for any inputs. Are there people in your life that used to be friends, had no major flaws but had minor personality traits that added up over time? I used to be very introverted so now I'm making up for it TOO much. I can't figure out a middle ground.
human beings are a complex breed....and you have to know a few things about them while socializing....
do not let anyone know what or how you feel about politics or God, b/c if they don't agree with you, some people are not able to allow others and take high insult to these two subjects if you are not on their side.
While you believe you tease people lightheartidly....others might not feel the same way and again, take a hurtful insult to your words.
If you are serious about inputs, then know this....just b/c you feel one way about a thing, doesn't make you right and others wrong, there is no right or wrong answer...simply put, it's your personal culture....
I was and am the same way as you....very passionate about my beliefs, but found that those beliefs offend others.
Sometimes I can be so honest, I step on toes...which is also a turn off for some people....
You don't sound like a follower...but very independent....
I am very introverted, but have a network friends....some close, some I must keep at bay. I've learned over the years, you chose your friends, they don't chose you....
I can count the number of acquaintances on both hands and toes, but my real true friends on one hand. Friends are a dime a dozen...but making friends at work, I've found this....
I've worked in a huge pharmaceutical company for well over 20 years now, and have made some very nice acquaintances....but real true friends, only two and the company is huge. I have work co-horts that I fully respect and think of as nice people, but I don't look to make friends at work. Your there to work, and if your fortunate enough to meet a few friends along the way, fine...but most people do not want to socialize outside of work...and if they do, then just keep your opinions to your self, unless your asked for an opinion. People don't usually want opinions, they want to complain and unload in a conversation and usually are just using you as a sounding wall.
Basically when people wish to socialize outside of work, they don't want to discuss problems or made to feel like their culture is wrong....so be quiet about your personal beliefs if you can.
You can learn so much from acquaintances....and work co-horts...by listening..instead of sharing.
I started a job recently and in the first two months, I was very social with everyone, everyone enjoyed my company and invited me everywhere. I got really close to a couple people too. Recently that has just fizzled out, quite suddenly. I can tell that people's opinions about me have changed. This has happened to me before too. I can tell this is an "over time" thing, because people I only see once in awhile enjoy hanging out with me. There are certain attributes about me (as an otherwise normal guy), that make people dislike me over time even though in the beginning people like me.
- I lightheartedly tease friends. It's not even mean stuff, but I can definitely see how it could get annoying. I don't mean to be a dick, I just enjoy messing around and don't mind at all if someone dishes it back at me. I am guessing this does not fly outside of college.
- I know I come across as dominating, even though I'm not sure where. I never steer conversations and I never force an opinion, but somehow I still know I give off an overpowering vibe.
I am looking for any inputs. Are there people in your life that used to be friends, had no major flaws but had minor personality traits that added up over time? I used to be very introverted so now I'm making up for it TOO much. I can't figure out a middle ground.
I am very quiet and shy when I first meet people but once I get to know people, I am very much the same. I am very sarcastic, make a lot of jokes---absolutely deadpan half of the time---and I also can begin to dominate the conversation. I know it can become annoying but sometimes you don't notice you're doing it until it's too late. For many years I have struggled with social cues and fitting in so I get it. It is a struggle and a work in progress for me, always.
For one, I have a few people who will call me out. That's fine with me and in fact, I encourage it at times, as long as they handle it well, because I know sometimes I am socially oblivious. My problem is I tend to go one way or the other---I am "too much" (can't turn it off) or "too little" (people think I am antisocial.) I have to reflect on stuff a lot and I will often ask my husband his take on situations, because they are often vastly different than mine. Be open to feedback from others if you want to improve.
Someone above mentioned your take on teasing someone lightheartedly vs. that person's perspective---you need to realize that some people don't like this, some people do, some people don't get it and some people might not even think you're making a joke. For example, I know certain people at my job do not get jokes AT ALL (and I am not even talking about joking about them or teasing them) so if I made a joke at their expense all of a sudden, how do you think they'd take it? At the same time, there are people who I can joke around with and we have a good time---you really need to know your audience, so to speak.
Other things for you to do: (1) Think about things before you say them aloud, especially at work. Ask yourself if you are making a comment at the expense of someone else. (2) Try to be aware of yourself. Do you suddenly realize you're talking a lot? If so, scale back. I do the same at work. If I realize I've probably been talking a lot, then I shut it down.
I had an s/o a few years ago who was like you, OP.
He'd been bullied all through childhood (geek) and also had severe ADHD, no verbal filters.
Super intelligent guy, successful in his field (programming), no friends as an adult except two lonely guys who were just like him.
CONSTANT juvenile "teasing", joking about EVERY freaking thing. Also talked a blue streak and in a forceful tone.
He was a great guy, a really good human being, but had a HORRIBLE personality. So unsexy and annoying I had to break it off with him though he was such a good catch in all other ways.
He said -he was insightful and self aware- he figured it was because as a kid he had no friends, and learned social skills in the Army, and copied what the guys he was surrounded by, were doing.
But after 30+ years he is still this way, he knows it turns people off but can't stop.
Atleast you are aware of your problem & acknowledging it. Most people in your position deny it & blame it on others. Keep your work & private life far apart. As long as you have a job & a steady flow of income, you will always have time & resources to find new friends. Keep your relationship with your colleagues strictly professional & don't see them outside work. Avoid your company picnics, parties or any informal events where you might open up to your colleagues. Sadly, I don't think there is much you can do about changing yourself. Embrace your uniqueness & find people who wont find your qualities offensive. Its all about finding the right fit rather than pretending to be someone else just to fit in. It gets stressful over time. Maybe you will change in future but for now try to hold on to your job & keep looking for friends. Its ok to be an introvert & not very popular. Its over-rated.
1) Regarding work: Don't mistake your office for a social playground. While it's great to get along with the people you work with, pick and choose carefully over time who you allow into your "real" life. The primary reason you're there is to work. It takes more than a few months to assess what's really going on at your office, who the players are, who will take every opportunity to get one up on you. Sit back and observe, socialize judiciously.
2) Never miss an opportunity to shut up. I think Will Rogers said this. It's something I still struggle with.
3) Teasing-stop it, at least with coworkers. I struggle also with this, especially when I'm given a huge opening. Everyone doesn't have your same sense of humor. As my sister has said, "You're always funny, but you're not always nice."
Just dial it back a little. Try to talk 1/3 less than you feel you want to. Observe. That you're even aware of this and concerned about it is huge.
Good points.
IMHO, I believe that teasing is never appropriate in the workplace. Never.
I personally know of people who got fired because they did one too many "light-hearted tease" to the wrong person.
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