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So about 3 years ago I became good friends with a co-worker, she kind of really latched on to me because she had no close friends other than her sisters, and we just clicked. Anytime she had an issue or a problem (whether it was her boyfriend, family or health concerns) I was one of her first phone calls and she would vent to me or ask me for advice, and I always obliged because that's what friends do, we even took a vacation together a couple of months ago and had a great time!
At the beginning of November, my father was having major surgery and I had gotten very ill, which turned out to be depression/anxiety triggered by my father's surgery. During this time I told her that I was sick but didn't know what was wrong (because I went undiagnosed until the beginning of December), and even had a visit to the Emergency Room. She was aware of almost everything going on with me, but didn't seem to really be there for me like I was for her whenever she was going through something (which happened quite often during our friendship). I took off of work a lot, but when I did get back, she would start questioning me about being sick, but it felt like more of an interrogation, rather than genuine concern. Also during this time I suffered from confusion a lot, and had asked her if she had returned something she borrowed from me because I genuinely could not remember if she did....her response was that she gave it back to me and and then proceeded to ask me "do you now suffer from alzheimer's too"?, which seemed like a bad joke as well as a dig.
Anyway, all this kind of irritated me and made me feel like she was a fair weathered friend, so I kept my distance from her for about a week, but then I sort of got over it and thought maybe I overreacted, or maybe she just doesn't know any better (she can be self-centered at times). So mid-December I had baked a batch of cookies that I brought into work, and gave one to her, she took a bite of the cookie and grabbed her mouth like she chipped her tooth. I asked her what was wrong, and she said last night she had hurt the tooth and now biting on the cookie caused her pain, however later on she realized she had chipped her tooth. She ended up going to the dentist, having the tooth removed and needing an implant. Best part, she blamed me for this! She kept texting me incessantly complaining how she needs all this dental work done and that the dentist said she must've bit into a hard cookie or something (it was a soft cookie), and then went on to say she guesses this was her payback for her getting me into a car accident this past summer (I was in her car when she got into the accident and the side air bag was deployed on the passenger seat and ended up banging me in the head). I never ever blamed her for that accident, in fact I was the one who defended her against the other person who's car was involved. Anyway ever since this whole tooth incident has happened our friendship has died, we don't even say hello when we pass each other at work.
I guess I'm really just venting here, but I'm also trying to figure out if I was wrong in anyway, but every which way I look at the situation I just can't see what I did wrong?
I think I'm starting to see that she wasn't as good a friend as I thought she was.
Sorry to hear about the trouble you are having with this person and all of the negativity you have had recently. It sounds like your friend placing the blame on you for something that is not your fault. The best thing to do with this friendship is to sit down with her and talk. Let her know that you didn't blame her for the accident, and that you don't understand why she is blaming you for the chipped tooth incident. Ask her what the problem is in a non-threatening way and listen to what she has to say. Maybe she feels that you are angry with her. Pay attention to her reactions as well as what she says; body language and tone of voice says a lot more than words do. You haven't done anything wrong in this situation.
It doesn't sound like she is much of a friend to me. If you think her friendship is worth fighting for like one poster said talk to her at least with your eyes wide open.
She sounds toxic to me---an emotional vampire. When you were having problems, she wasn't there for you and even made a nasty remark disguised as "a joke". It's best to just quietly let the friendship fall by the wayside.
Ugh sorry. I went through something kind of similar (friendship ended out of the blue for no known reason). You probably have a lot of questions (I do), but you have to decide if they are worth the trouble to get answered. Even if you go in as calmly as possible and as non defensive as you can be, she will still likely get upset that you are prodding. I'm non confrontational, so I can't handle people getting like that, but if you can and you need answers for closure, then I would talk to her, but if you are okay with letting it go, then that is what you need to do.
Sorry to hear about the trouble you are having with this person and all of the negativity you have had recently. It sounds like your friend placing the blame on you for something that is not your fault. The best thing to do with this friendship is to sit down with her and talk. Let her know that you didn't blame her for the accident, and that you don't understand why she is blaming you for the chipped tooth incident. Ask her what the problem is in a non-threatening way and listen to what she has to say. Maybe she feels that you are angry with her. Pay attention to her reactions as well as what she says; body language and tone of voice says a lot more than words do. You haven't done anything wrong in this situation.
Really bad advice. This coworker is not a friend. She is a user. She used the OP as her free psychiatrist through all her issues, a lot of which sounds like nonsense.
The OP's father is seriously ill and the OP starts having severe depression and she is making jokes like "Oh do you have Alzheimers as well", a real charmer. Now it sounds like she is trying to scam the OP, who bites into a cookie when the night before you say your tooth is hurting? Sounds like she wants money for her dental work.
Maya Angelou said it best "when people show themselves to you believe them".
She has shown herself, time to distance as much as you possibly can, which is awkward since you work together. But stop seeing her outside of work.
I think it's very mature to look at what you might have done wrong. And we aren't privy to whatever your co-worker/friend might say.
That said, I was told by a counselor once, that you should look at what you get out of a relationship. It's okay to want to be a giver, but you should also look at what you are getting.
So, what do you get out of thi relationship that is positive for you?
If it's not enough to outweigh the bad, it's time to let it go.
It's annoying to let someone get the ego satisfaction of appearing like they were the ones who let a relationship go, or to make it look to others that you did something that caused them to cut off your friendship.
But, that's just ego. And from my experience, it won't take time before everyone sees through this person's story. People like them don't fool people for long.
I think it's very mature to look at what you might have done wrong. And we aren't privy to whatever your co-worker/friend might say.
That said, I was told by a counselor once, that you should look at what you get out of a relationship. It's okay to want to be a giver, but you should also look at what you are getting.
So, what do you get out of thi relationship that is positive for you?
If it's not enough to outweigh the bad, it's time to let it go.
It's annoying to let someone get the ego satisfaction of appearing like they were the ones who let a relationship go, or to make it look to others that you did something that caused them to cut off your friendship.
But, that's just ego. And from my experience, it won't take time before everyone sees through this person's story. People like them don't fool people for long.
This is very well said.
It seems to me that this girl was friendless for a reason. She "latched" on to you, in your own words, and when someone comes on so strong like that to me its a warning sign, or could be, and should be treated as such. Everyone wants to be given to. Everyone wants to be treated as if they are important. You did that for her, but its a one way street. I dont think you did anything wrong or should feel bad about anything.
And the cookie thing? Give me a break. You cannot chip an otherwise healthy tooth on a cookie. That is just bizarre.
I would say good riddance, and its laudable to look to yourself to make sure that you haven't done something to warrant this kind of behavior, but frankly, I can't imagine a scenario with anyone that calls for this kind of behavior. She is the problem, not you. Here is to the future! Clear away the bad so more good can come in.
It seems to me that this girl was friendless for a reason. She "latched" on to you, in your own words, and when someone comes on so strong like that to me its a warning sign, or could be, and should be treated as such. Everyone wants to be given to. Everyone wants to be treated as if they are important. You did that for her, but its a one way street. I dont think you did anything wrong or should feel bad about anything. Good luck.
^^^ This. She seems very needy and is perhaps unable to empathize. Feel she also is resentful that you took off some time from work to deal with a very real illness, and she may have the same or a similar problem but has no resources to heal/resolve it. She could also be jealous that you are close enough to your father to suffer on his behalf; maybe her relationship with her father/parents is abysmal or non-existent.
You're obviously very kind and sensitive to others' feelings, but I think you've done all you can on this one.
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