Family members just randomly showing up (girlfriend, person, brother, sister)
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Not sure if this is the right forum or not, but I thought I would ask about it. I'm a single dad in my late 30's, and my girlfriend of 2 years lives with me and my son. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters who live in the area. We are all close. Everyone gets along, my family likes the GF and she likes them.
This past Sunday morning, about 10am (slept in) me and the girlfriend were in the kitchen cooking breakfast and I hear the doorbell ring. I go to the door and it's my mom and one of my sisters who were in the area and wanted to borrow my truck (they bought something on craigslist and needed it to move it). My mom said she tried to call me but I didn't answer (I had my phone on mute apparently, it happens...) I had no problem with that, gave them my keys and they left. I was kind of surprised they just showed up unannounced, but they did make some effort anyway.
After breakfast, the GF mentions to me that she was kind of uncomfortable with them just showing up at random times (it's happened a few times since she moved in), mainly this time because she was still in her nightgown. There's been a couple times that she has just let herself in when we werent home (she does have a set of keys to my house, going back years) I said I would talk to her about it.
So the next day, I call my mom (in her 60's) and explain to her that, in the future I would appreciate it if she would give me a heads up when she's coming over. She said she did try to call but I didnt answer. I said I realized that, but still, I would have preferred it if she had actually spoke to me to actually GIVE me notice that she was coming over.
My mom got all defensive and was crying, saying family should not have to give notice, etc. Said she took offense to that, did not feel welcome, etc At that point, I got pissed. I told her I have NEVER showed up at their house without letting them know. NEVER. She counters with "well, you know you are always welcome". I replied, "and you are always welcome at my house, just be polite and give me a heads up".
Truthfully, I don't care what she does, but the GF obviously feels strongly about it, and I felt obligated to side with her because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable.
I think my mom is making a huge deal about it, she even made a point to talk to my sister about it, and then later SHE called me and was giving me crap and disparaging my GF for it.
I feel I was not at all out of line about this, and am sticking to my guns.
Anyone else run into this sort of ridiculous family drama? Is there some sort of unwritten expectation that it's ok for family to just show up whenever uninvited without letting you know?
Not sure if this is the right forum or not, but I thought I would ask about it. I'm a single dad in my late 30's, and my girlfriend of 2 years lives with me and my son. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters who live in the area. We are all close. Everyone gets along, my family likes the GF and she likes them.
This past Sunday morning, about 10am (slept in) me and the girlfriend were in the kitchen cooking breakfast and I hear the doorbell ring. I go to the door and it's my mom and one of my sisters who were in the area and wanted to borrow my truck (they bought something on craigslist and needed it to move it). My mom said she tried to call me but I didn't answer (I had my phone on mute apparently, it happens...) I had no problem with that, gave them my keys and they left. I was kind of surprised they just showed up unannounced, but they did make some effort anyway.
After breakfast, the GF mentions to me that she was kind of uncomfortable with them just showing up at random times (it's happened a few times since she moved in), mainly this time because she was still in her nightgown. There's been a couple times that she has just let herself in when we werent home (she does have a set of keys to my house, going back years) I said I would talk to her about it.
So the next day, I call my mom (in her 60's) and explain to her that, in the future I would appreciate it if she would give me a heads up when she's coming over. She said she did try to call but I didnt answer. I said I realized that, but still, I would have preferred it if she had actually spoke to me to actually GIVE me notice that she was coming over.
My mom got all defensive and was crying, saying family should not have to give notice, etc. Said she took offense to that, did not feel welcome, etc At that point, I got pissed. I told her I have NEVER showed up at their house without letting them know. NEVER. She counters with "well, you know you are always welcome". I replied, "and you are always welcome at my house, just be polite and give me a heads up".
Truthfully, I don't care what she does, but the GF obviously feels strongly about it, and I felt obligated to side with her because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable.
I think my mom is making a huge deal about it, she even made a point to talk to my sister about it, and then later SHE called me and was giving me crap and disparaging my GF for it.
I feel I was not at all out of line about this, and am sticking to my guns.
Anyone else run into this sort of ridiculous family drama? Is there some sort of unwritten expectation that it's ok for family to just show up whenever uninvited without letting you know?
Ask your GF how she would react if HER family members showed up. How would YOU react if they showed up while you were in your boxers?
You are within your rights to define the boundaries of your house now that you have someone else living there. Take a breath, call your mom (or better yet ... go see her) and tell her that you are NOT trying to hurt her feelings, and that all you are asking is for some notice. Tell her your GF doesn't want to be caught in an embarrassing situation, surely she understands that, and that she is welcome any time ... just with a heads up.
Your mom's just embarrassed. Take some time to let her know that it's really not personal.
We used to live in the same town as my in-laws. They came over unannounced whenever they felt like it and just walked in. We had to start locking the front door. I am cool with having company over, but at least let me brush my hair and put on a bra, jeez. I think you are completely in the right, and frankly I think it's weird that your mom is reacting that way and even getting your sister involved.
While it may be okay within your family, it is not something your GF is comfortable with, and I completely agree with her. It's a personal thing.
Just point out to your Mom that the two of you could be walking around naked, getting freaky on the couch or any number of things where you would not like company stopping by.
Just because that small dynamic has changed is no reason for drama or being mad at the GF.
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Let it rest a few days and revisit it with them. Things are different now. It isn't comfortable to have people that you aren't close with drop by when you are in your night gown. things are complicated with mothers and the new girl in you life no matter what.
Just explain it calmly from your gfs point of view. If she doesn't understand that, then that's totally on her. She wouldn't have wanted your dads family to show up when she wasn't dressed.
That and the sex thing...I mean if you can't have sex in your own living room, where can you have sex?!
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Your mom needs to respect that you are not the only person living at your home and realize that you have to respect the other people living there too by asking if y'all are good for a visitor.
Ask your GF how she would react if HER family members showed up. How would YOU react if they showed up while you were in your boxers?
When we discussed it, she said her folks would not just show up randomly. When I discussed it with her, my mom specifically made an accusation that she/we would probably not react the same if one of our friends just did that, and to her I said I absolutely WOULD have a problem with it.
Quote:
You are within your rights to define the boundaries of your house now that you have someone else living there. Take a breath, call your mom (or better yet ... go see her) and tell her that you are NOT trying to hurt her feelings, and that all you are asking is for some notice. Tell her your GF doesn't want to be caught in an embarrassing situation, surely she understands that, and that she is welcome any time ... just with a heads up.
Your mom's just embarrassed. Take some time to let her know that it's really not personal.
Your mom needs to respect that you are not the only person living at your home and realize that you have to respect the other people living there too by asking if y'all are good for a visitor.
I made a point to say this to her. My exact wording was "This is not just my house anymore, someone else lives here now, and they feel differently than you do, so you need to respect that"
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