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If your mom has a problem with gambling, giving her money will only enable her. If she had no money and couldn't earn any money and was going without basic needs like food or shelter, then I'd say you should help her as much as you were able to. But if she's gambling her own money away and then wants your money for her basic needs, then you're enabling her. She may need to reach a crisis point before she admits that the gambling is a problem.
Don't tell your mom how much money you have and don't tell her how much you inherit when your dad passes. She shouldn't be counting on that money anyhow...assuming she and your father are of a similar age, he might outlive her.
Also, don't give your mom money as gifts...stick to things like flowers, which can't be returned for money or pawned.
Yes to all of this! Once you give your mom money, she will hound you again and again.
It wouldn't hurt to tell her upfront that you won't be able to afford to help her financially.
If she is gambling, then I wouldn't ever give her money, which just feeds her addiction.
Buy a bag of groceries.
Pay the rent directly to the landlord.
Pay the medical bills directly to the provider.
etc.
THOSE are ways you can help. Do not give her cash. If she asks for $50 to buy a carton of cigarettes, go get the cigarettes if you wish, but do not give the cash!
If she needs gas for her vehicle, go fill it up for her. Do not give cash.
If she has a need, any need, fulfill the need if you so desire, but do not give cash.
Now is the time for you to start saving for your own retirement, and taking care of your child. It isnt cheap. Your mother has a pension and will have Social Security. She will not be destitute. Her destiny is up to her, no one else.
You dont have to approach this head on, and you dont have to worry about it now. Just remember, that with every request for money, the answer will be, I just dont have it right now. Period. She probably wont stop asking, but the answer can remain the same. And you dont have to be mean about it, say it with a smile. You can keep a good relationship with her. Just dont let it involve money.
Realize that if you ever let her borrow money, that you will never get it back. Not ever. Because she feels that whatever you give her, you owe to her, for all the past. Which of course, you dont. But thats how she'll see it.
Take care of yourself and your child NOW, because when it comes time to retire, if you dont take care of yourself, no one else will. Dont let her bully you.
I'd be very happy to help in other ways. I think she will be very upset if I say no when she asks to borrow. I was thinking, help out one yime, with a clear statement it's a onetime thing. But not sure what to do if she has medical bills/needs to see a dr./etc? That stuff is so expensive, she is not insured. And is a smoker.
First off, let me say that I agree with the other posters who say that your only answer should be NO. However, I understand that there is going to be a lot of guilt associated with this, on your end. With this in mind, I have found what I consider to be an effective way of ameliorating my own guilt when confronted with free-loading relatives, at minimal cost.
If I'm asked for money the first time, I'll "lend" them a small amount that I can afford to lose, something like $50. I will tell them that it's a loan, and ask them when they expect to be able to pay it back. They'll say something like "when I get my next check" or whatever. In reality, they won't pay it back, of course. But when they come back for more, I'll just say, "I'm waiting for you to pay back the previous loan. I won't lend you any more money until the first loan is paid back."
I've found that this works wonders for the guilt thing, because, see, I did "help" my relative, and they proved to me that they wouldn't keep their end of the deal. Family ties are all well and good, but I feel no guilt about not allowing myself to be taken advantage of twice.
First off, let me say that I agree with the other posters who say that your only answer should be NO. However, I understand that there is going to be a lot of guilt associated with this, on your end. With this in mind, I have found what I consider to be an effective way of ameliorating my own guilt when confronted with free-loading relatives, at minimal cost.
If I'm asked for money the first time, I'll "lend" them a small amount that I can afford to lose, something like $50. I will tell them that it's a loan, and ask them when they expect to be able to pay it back. They'll say something like "when I get my next check" or whatever. In reality, they won't pay it back, of course. But when they come back for more, I'll just say, "I'm waiting for you to pay back the previous loan. I won't lend you any more money until the first loan is paid back."
I've found that this works wonders for the guilt thing, because, see, I did "help" my relative, and they proved to me that they wouldn't keep their end of the deal. Family ties are all well and good, but I feel no guilt about not allowing myself to be taken advantage of twice.
It's one thing to help out someone who is down on their luck due to no fault of their own, but this is not one of those situations, so no reason whatsoever to feel guilty. Your mother earns a good pension, but she chooses to spend it irresponsibly. It is never your responsibility to finance someone to live beyond their means.
The only time you should take responsibility would be if she was mentally incompetent. Then you would need to get a power of attorney over her financial affairs.
I'd be very happy to help in other ways. I think she will be very upset if I say no when she asks to borrow. I was thinking, help out one yime, with a clear statement it's a onetime thing. But not sure what to do if she has medical bills/needs to see a dr./etc? That stuff is so expensive, she is not insured. And is a smoker.
OP: I won't wade through 7 or so pages of replies, but you owe her NOTHING, not of your money or of any money your father leaves you, and speaking of which he may not die for another 30 years himself, so she will have to deal in the mean time!
1} you are RIGHT to "not count on' any inheritance form your father, While my spouse and I stand to gain some substantial inheritance which will help us out a LOT, we still can have my 87 y/o FIL live til 100, and my 81 year old father at least another decade if not more himself, and while my FIL's mind is slipping, ANYTHING can happen and ALL their money may need to got to their care.
2} you HAVE to enforce upon your mother the old adage "she made her bed now lie in it" where losing/giving up money form your father is concerned. SHE gave it up, NOT you. TELL her Once and for all...you DON'T Want to hear her speak of it AGAIN.
3} If you DO help her out financially, YOU take CONTROL of her finances and put her on a budgeted allowance. If she won't agree, then again, TELL HER you want to hear no more money trouble,s no more borrowing or asking for money from you!!
4} LET HER KNOW YOU WON'T lend/give ANY more money, and YOU get over your thoughts/guilt of her being upset when you say NO. JUST SAY NO. Guilt is a powerful thing and she will wield it every chance she gets.
5} YOu COULD sign her up for health insurance,and offer to PAY It to the insurance company, it will give you insight into her financial state, as she may be eligible for subsidies, or if her job is that good, then not. If she refuses, DROP it. In the USA, by LAW she has to have insurance now, and if she doesn't she will pay a penalty!
6} make any money YOU DO give her {$100 a month?} contingent on her NOT SMOKING ANYMORE, she is wasting money burning it up! IF she is so careless with her money, tell her she doesn't deserve any of yours!!
7} LAstly, stage a financial intervention with your sibs and mother. FIND Out where her money goes, and take control, and once it is exposed to be gambling, then stage an intervention on THAT and take her to gambler's anonymous.
8} she may just be bad at managing money. We have a dear friend, no alcoholsm, no gambling but can't handle money at all,and lost their house, and everything and STILL cannot handle money, They never have any, are always overdrawn,and make almost twice what we do!
This is all called TOUGH LOVE. There is a whole series on what it is and how it works, google it. GET your siblings in on it,and all of you band together. IF you do, you will all be strong and tell her if she asks again for money you will : hang up on her, leave her house, drop her off out of the car wherever you are, ask her to leave yours and STICK TO IT.
No, do not start giving her money. Offer to help her manage her money, look at her checkbook with her (if she will let you). Be honest with her..."Mom, you shouldn't be running out of money so often...let's take a look at that checkbook and see where you might can make some cuts"...if she refuses, I would suspect the gambling habit has come back.
Buy a bag of groceries.
Pay the rent directly to the landlord.
Pay the medical bills directly to the provider.
etc.
THOSE are ways you can help. Do not give her cash. If she asks for $50 to buy a carton of cigarettes, go get the cigarettes if you wish, but do not give the cash!
If she needs gas for her vehicle, go fill it up for her. Do not give cash.
If she has a need, any need, fulfill the need if you so desire, but do not give cash.
The problem with this is that it still enables the mom's financial mismanagement/gambling problems, just indirectly. Whatever money mom saves from not having to pay rent, groceries, medical bills, etc. can then go towards gambling/frivolous expenditures. It doesn't solve her underlying problems.
I agree with those who have said to say no and be firm. I think offering to help her reorganize her finances so she can pay her own bills is a good solution. But if she refuses or won't be honest about where her money goes, then you have your answer: it means she doesn't really want help, she just wants hand outs and believes her family owes it to her. At that point you can relieve yourself of the guilt because she's then proven herself to be uninterested in helping herself out of this endless & destructive cycle. People like that will pull you down with them, and you can't afford to let that happen because you have a responsibility to your child first. That means taking care of your business before anyone else's so you can be financially solvent to be there for your daughter. It's what your mother should have done for you & your sibling. Don't let her drag you down the hole with her. Learn to say no firmly and let go of the guilt because it's a destructive emotion in this situation. I empathize because my mother was the exact same way. Good luck.
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