Would you try to repair this broken friendship? (husband, member, unfriended)
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In general, if someone gets mad at you and cuts you out of their life, do you permanently leave it that way? Would you ever reach out and try to repair things, even if you did absolutely nothing wrong?
I'm curious about this in general terms, as well as in my own specific situation:
Almost 2 years ago, a close lifelong friend (who happens to be my cousin) wanted to borrow a substantial amount of money. I told her I would need to think about it and call her back. A day or two later, after consulting with my husband, I told her we felt that loaning her the money "wouldn't be the right thing to do." That is how I worded it, because saying that we "couldn't" was not true (and she knew it). Believe me when I say I had valid reasons to say no, primarily that the loan was to help her out of a jam due to her gambling addiction. So I'm sure it was easy for her to (correctly) interpret my loan refusal as not wanting to be an enabler of her addiction.
She hasn't spoken to me since, unfriended me and hub on fb, and it hurt me terribly. I miss her, and lately I have been thinking about trying, just once, to reach out to her and tell her that I love and miss her. Of course, another part of me says it was her choice to cut me out of her life, and she could call me anytime she wanted to fix things, so why should I risk being hurt again?
Lastly, am I missing something when I feel that I did absolutely nothing wrong?
if you miss her and want to reach out you should. just try not to be disappointed if you get a chilly response. most people see the issue from their own perspective and some won't/can't see the other's perspective. she may view you and your husband as selfish and didn't care, to have "extra" money and not help her out. if she is truly a hard core addict she has a skewed perception on life because of her priorities. you did the right thing but maybe could have come up with a better way to say no. however any no could of been viewed the same way, even if you told her you have too many bills or whatever. if she felt you turned your back on her no reason will be good enough. reach out and see, I think you already have the answer if she has unfriended you and haven't reached out to you. do you have another friend in common that could broker a get together?
I am reminded of Dr Phil saying "you don't solve money problems with money".
Gambling is an addiction and giving her money enables her to feed that addiction. You're not wrong in not loaning the money and not feeling badly about it either, IMO.
If you want to reach out to her, do so with no expectations. Have you heard from other family members as to how she's doing?
In general, if someone gets mad at you and cuts you out of their life, do you permanently leave it that way? Would you ever reach out and try to repair things, even if you did absolutely nothing wrong?
I'm curious about this in general terms, as well as in my own specific situation:
Almost 2 years ago, a close lifelong friend (who happens to be my cousin) wanted to borrow a substantial amount of money. I told her I would need to think about it and call her back. A day or two later, after consulting with my husband, I told her we felt that loaning her the money "wouldn't be the right thing to do." That is how I worded it, because saying that we "couldn't" was not true (and she knew it). Believe me when I say I had valid reasons to say no, primarily that the loan was to help her out of a jam due to her gambling addiction. So I'm sure it was easy for her to (correctly) interpret my loan refusal as not wanting to be an enabler of her addiction.
It may be easy to see for you, as it was your intention, but she may not have seen it that way, especially if she was in dire need of the money and so her vision was clogged. I am not saying I disagree with what you did (I actually would have done the same), but it could possibly been said a bit clearer. I'm sure you can think, at the moment, of many possible ways she interpreted the rejection, even if those ways aren't the ones that make the most sense.
Quote:
She hasn't spoken to me since, unfriended me and hub on fb, and it hurt me terribly. I miss her, and lately I have been thinking about trying, just once, to reach out to her and tell her that I love and miss her. Of course, another part of me says it was her choice to cut me out of her life, and she could call me anytime she wanted to fix things, so why should I risk being hurt again?
Lastly, am I missing something when I feel that I did absolutely nothing wrong?
Keep in mind, this is all up to you, as it is your feelings on the line. How is your friend doing, is she still addicted to gambling (or possibly something even worse), and if she is, do you really want to fix the relationship? I just ask, because if you do "fix" it but she still has an addition, the same might happen the next time her gambling gets her in trouble. Anyhow, you should try to see how she is doing (through mutual friends or such) before approaching her. At the end of the day, it is just nice to know how the ones you care about are doing.
If you really value this friend and possible friendship "that much," the risk of being rejected right away may be worth taking to mend everything. It is possible she never contacted you back because she was still angry/hurt at/by you, at which point talking might be the fix (and she is now calm enough to talk), but it could also have been because she feels ashamed, is afraid her actions made you angry, hit rock bottom and is embarrassed, or, as bad as it sounds, just haven't had the time, among other possibilities.
First I would ask other relatives how she is doing. And, if she is relatively OK (not dead & not in jail) I would reach out to her.
It has been two years and a lot could have happened in that time. Perhaps she has beaten the addiction and is too embarrassed about her past behavior to contact you.
If she hasn't addressed her gambling problem then nothing will have changed. She may view your reaching out to her as changing your mind about lending money. She may work with you to repair the relationship, then ask for money again.
I think you tainted the pool of responses by mentioning your cousin gambles.
Had you left that out, we could have focused on a possible misunderstanding or poor communication and how to fix that but now everybody's going to say, "Heck no! You shouldn't give a gambler money!"
Which is beside the point...
At any rate, you have nothing to lose by trying to re-establish communication with your cousin. Obviously I would not bring up the gambling. If she says you were being judgmental in denying the loan, face up to it: You were.
I think you tainted the pool of responses by mentioning your cousin gambles.
Had you left that out, we could have focused on a possible misunderstanding or poor communication and how to fix that but now everybody's going to say, "Heck no! You shouldn't give a gambler money!"
Which is beside the point...
At any rate, you have nothing to lose by trying to re-establish communication with your cousin. Obviously I would not bring up the gambling. If she says you were being judgmental in denying the loan, face up to it: You were.
I don't think judgmental is a fair assessment. when anyone lends money they think about it and come to a conclusion. would you lend money to someone you knew had a gambling addiction?
I would get in touch if she is in recovery for the gambling addiction. Otherwise, nope, nope, nope.
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