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When my mother-in-law became very ill and her doctor said she needed a nursing home, my husband went down to FL by himself. His mother never made it to the nursing home. He visited her in the hospital and she told him she didn't want to go into a nursing home. A few hours after he visited her, she died. He is an only child and thus was responsible for dealing with everything. I asked him if he wanted me to come down and help him. He said "no". I did let him know that I had no problem with taking time off work to join him and if he changed his mind, I would get a plane ticket.
Depends on what your wife wants, and whether you want to say a final goodbye before your MIL passes away. If all that is okay, it may be best to stay put so you can pick up your son. (I don't understand the religion reference.)
Judiasm requires quick burials. This link explains it all in great detail:
It depends on your wife's emotional state. Does she need backup or would she rather have one on one time alone with her mother? Do you feel the need to say goodbye to your MIL while she's still alive? Can someone else be ready on the spot to bring the kids there? How old is the youngest and would you prefer they see her in the hospital or not? Do they have any major tests coming up in the next week that you need time to reschedule? Do you plan on staying for the additional week of shiva or just the funeral in addition to the time she's in the hospital and where will you stay with the kids?
Talk to your wife and let her guide your decision.
OP, I can't figure out how far YOU are from where your wife is now.
It sounds like he is downstate NY or NJ, if he is 3 hours from the son in New England, so close enough to get in the car and drive and be there in a few hours.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bpollen
Depends on what your wife wants, and whether you want to say a final goodbye before your MIL passes away. If all that is okay, it may be best to stay put so you can pick up your son. (I don't understand the religion reference.)
Yes, it does depend on what the wife wants, but it's not just about whether the OP wanting to say goodbye to his MIL, it's about being there for the wife when HER MOTHER passes. Even when you're expecting a death it still punches you in the stomach emotionally, he knows his wife, even if she says "I'm OK" is she really? Sounds like she is very close to her mother, she is going to need him when the mother passes.
Worry about getting the son there later. Deal with this now.
If my mom was in the hospital and on the verge of death, and my husband was only a few hours' drive away from me and was debating on the City-Data forum whether or not he should come and be with me, I'd probably be hurt. When my husband's father passed away, I was by his side just about every minute for the week that he was in the hospital, for the funeral, etc. And we actually weren't even married yet, although we had been living together for 4+ years at that point. Go be with your wife. She needs you right now. You can figure out the logistics of getting your son there later.
My mother-in-law is in a hospital in upstate New York. She has been battling multiple sclerosis for over 40 years. She was brought to hospital late last week with pain and breathing difficulty. My wife went up there this morning to be with her.
She was hooked up to breathing tubes yesterday. They say she can live that way for about two weeks. My wife asked about a tracheotomy. The doctors say the likelihood is she winds up in a "facility" which I know would not be acceptable to my mother-in-law, wife or my stepfather-in-law. The discussion is running about whether there is any quality of life. So I think the outlook is for her to pass away shortly.
My older son is in college in Pennsylvania, has a car and can drive to the funeral. My younger son is a high-functioning college student on the autistic spectrum in college in New England, about a three hour drive from where I am now and where my younger son is.
I am pitching this to the board as to whether I should stay put and wait for the death or go straight up to my wife. The logic of staying put is to pick up my younger son for the funeral, which tends to be close in time to the death in my religion, Judaism.
Thoughts?
Ask your wife what she wants you to do. Not city data forum.
agree about asking your wife what she needs and doing that. It may be that right now, it's easier for her to handle things on her own or it may not. She's the only one who can say.
as for the funeral, while it's traditional to have it the next day, that is very often stretched out to allow time to make the necessary arrangements for people to get there. When my grandmother died, the funeral was several days later so everyone had time to gather from across the country. You can make that part work out so I wouldn't factor it into the decision beyond knowing that you'll need to make whatever arrangements to pick up your younger son.
I would agree with whoever asked about your MIL's current condition and whether she is able to receive visitors and whether it makes sense for you and your sons to try to get there for some good byes. Also something to discuss with your wife.
Ask your wife what she wants you to do. Not city data forum.
I agree.
Whether his being there will be helpful or a hindrance depends on their relationship.
My grandfather was like having another child around. He was not good at keeping himself busy or being intuitive about what was helpful, so he was not very supportive to my grandmother when she was dealing with stress. He became one more thing to worry about.
If you are like that, OP, then your wife may not want you there.
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