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I mean I don't keep tabs but if the person NEVER initiates? She isn't interested. Why keep dragging her out for coffee or whatever? Introverted or not, no, if a person literally never calls me first or does the inviting out, I don't keep shoving myself at her. Obviously she has better things to do.
Same here--although I do have one buddy who is a major coordinator. She always seems to know about this festival or that event or another, and she tends to plan things months in advance, so with her, I don't often have a chance to suggest something.
I also find that different friends like to do different things, or we just relate better in certain environments. One buddy knows eleventy billion people and knows bartenders in a lot of different places--but they aren't places I normally go to, and I'm not big for hanging out in bars anymore in general, so we tend to just meet for dinner. I'm big on urban exploration and hiking, and most of my friends are all, "Nice, but you go ahead." They either don't want to get up early on a weekend (they work 9-5) or they feel they're not in good enough shape for it. Then there's a fellow freelancer who'd rather socialize during the day over lunch, so that's what we do. The result is that if I see any given friend more than once in a month, it's a lot. Also have a buddy on the other coast and we chit-chat text on and off during the day, and she and her hub are coming to visit at the end of the summer.
Reciprocity denotes a reciprocal relationship. Reciprocal is defined as "shared, felt, or shown by both sides." So I guess you can say a reciprocity in a friendship can be just that both people enjoy each other's company. It doesn't have to be tit for tat or 50-50 every step of the way.
You can argue that a friend who agrees to get together with you after you initiate is reciprocating your interest in him or her. The suggestion to get together is made and they are willing to commit some time and energy to being together. I get this. For a long time it was enough for me. My ego was stroked by being the one who was valuing friendship so much that I was willing to put in all the time and energy and require very little of the other person....until it got told and then my ego deflated because I saw that many "friends" were not willing to make any effort to initiate. Never heard from them again once I stopped.
I'm retired. I understand that someone who is working has less time and energy than me. I don't have family except for a husband. Other people have more demands. But when I initiated about ten get-togethers and then stopped and never heard from some of these people again, I felt that they just didn't care and didn't value our friendship. They'd take me up on an offer to get-together but wouldn't think of me or expend the energy to do it on their own. It's kind of like trying a sample of something for free---you'll try the product because it's there for the taking and doesn't cost you any effort or money...but you may never buy it on their own. Companies would go out of business if people never bought their products and only sampled the products for free, Similarly, I am out of the "friendship" business if I have to do 100% of the work. I'll settle for 98 or 99%, but I have to be tossed the occasional bone. I believe in lovingkindness and think the world would be a better place if more people could have more real friendships---but I also must be kind to myself and have some reasonable expectations for how other people treat me.
I see the quote that says "I may go long periods of time without talking to my true friends, but they know I'm there for them if they ever need me" shared a LOT on social media, with usually a lot of "AMENS" in the comment section.
It's great to know that someone would be there for a friend should a crisis, emergency, or stressful period arise, but what if "if they ever need me" has different meanings for different people? What if someone's need for a friend is simply someone discuss life as it happens day to day? Or regular companionship? It seems like these types of friendships are going out of style because of "busyness".
I've seen that too but the thing is that if someone never contacts me to get together or just say hi, and I find that I'm making 100% of the plans and initiating 100% of the time, that's not someone who is probably going to be there for me if I actually need them for something more important than a cup of coffee. You know? For two reasons:
1) If staying in touch with someone even a little bit is too much trouble, then actually being there for them for a major thing like hospitalization or a death in the family is probably not going to be on your radar either since that sucks up a lot more effort than just texting someone once in awhile to say hi and catch up.
2) closely related: If you can't even put in a modicum of effort to stay in touch, why would you put in real effort if your friend really needed you for something major?
I personally am not likely to reach out to friends who have shown that our friendship isn't a priority, what would be the point of that? I assume they would find it just as weird as I would. Think about it, something awful just happened to you and you...go reach out to your friend that you haven't spoken to in over a year? That person isn't even really in your life anymore, what do you think they can do for you? It just makes a painful situation that much more awkward.
You talk to all of them at least once a week and meet up for outings regularly?
That was the parameter of your definition of friendship over mere acquaintance.
Yes and no because I can't afford to fly there once a week.
But I do make an effort to stay in touch weekly because I care about my friends (and vice versa). If you can't even bother to talk or text then you are kidding yourself into having friends.
Moderator cut: delete
Last edited by Miss Blue; 04-19-2016 at 05:08 AM..
Reason: personal and insulting
Some friend. Sounds like they need something from you, or they're in some crisis. Than you don't hear from them in several months? That's not a friendship. They contact you when they have a problem, don't care what's going on with you.
That's an "I have a problem so I want to tell you about it, it's all about me".
Sounds more like an acquaintance than a friend.
Nope, she was just thinking of me. I do the same when I'm thinking about her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011
She didn't indicate the person needed anything from her other than they engaged in a texting conversation. Friends don't need to be in constant contact to be friends. I have my most meaningful conversations with a friend I don't talk to very often and that is worth much more than regular, but more shallow or surface conversations or texts just to keep in touch.
Yes, this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy
I learned a long time ago that we all move on different time lines, we all have different needs, and friendships have different ebbs and flows.
When you love someone unconditionally you just go with the flow. You may give and give and give and the other person may not be able to reciprocate. One of my besties is in hell now with her husband on the verge of a bone marrow transplant and unemployed. It's tragic what she's going through. I do not expect nor want anything from her. I will give to her endlessly now.
I think that too many of us let our egos get in the way of a perfectly fine friendship. Well they haven't called me so I won't call them. That's crazy. If you feel the need to see them. Call them. It's hard to accept the fact that someone may need their space when you're feeling neglected, but you have to respect it.
Someone I cared about hates me for some reason and I honestly don't know why. I desperately want to talk about it but he doesn't and what little I got out of him does not make any sense to me. I could tell that he's hurting because of me and I can't fix it. Out of selfishness I want to fix it, but it's not about me at this point. It's all about him and what he needs from me, which is space. I'll respect it and move on. If he wants to talk to me again some day, fine. If he doesn't then I'll keep it in perspective and move on. I can adjust either way.
I have a bestie that I have been friends with since we were teenagers. We lost track for nearly ten years. One year for my birthday all I wanted was to see her and her husband. I initiated it and we got together. We haven't seen each other for almost a year again, yet if I call her or she calls me, we will pick up as we had never been apart. This pattern has been going on like this for decades. If she called me tomorrow and asked for help I would drop everything and be there. The same with her.
I had a toxic friend for nearly 20 years that I had to walk away from, yet she called me out of the blue and I talked to her. She's still a human being and just because our friendship ran it's course doesn't mean that we have to be enemies. If she called me up and needed help I would go and help her. I still don't really want a friendship with her again though.
Navigating people for who they are with all of their baggage and flaws is a difficult thing. Learning how to enforce boundaries and keeping their idiosyncrasies in perspective....not so easy. In the end we all give and take from each other and people who are kind and givers have to learn how to give unconditionally to the right people.
I do too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by octo
I'm always amazed that people who can easily stay in regular contact think they are still friends if they are too lazy to bother talking for months or years.
Our language has a word for that: Acquaintence.
I have several of those. I don't really care enough to talk to them regularly (and vice versa) and they are a pleasure to see after a year or two or ten but I would never consider them friends.
My spouse and I talk to our friends at least once a week and meet up for outings regularly.
I guess you've remained in one place for a long time? I think those of us who have had to move for work or personal reasons are better at maintaining friendships long distance. I can visit many parts of the country now and find a guest room waiting.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
And if you don't live in close proximity you just demote them?
Nice.
It's pretty arrogant to feel able to define the friendships of others.
Yes and no because I can't afford to fly there once a week.
But I do make an effort to stay in touch weekly because I care about my friends (and vice versa). If you can't even bother to talk or text then you are kidding yourself into having friends.
I think it's sad how people like you are so self absorbed that they think a person likes you as a friend if you can't even be bothered to stay in touch. Years without contact in modern times with all the instant communications technology and you think that's a friendship ?! ROFL!!!!
I could not agree more. More than that, I don't care what anybody else says "some people are different." No, some people are just lazy. Sometimes, a given way IS the right way, and something else is wrong and that's just the truth. Don't like it? Tough, who cares.
"Busy" to me is a pathetic excuse what with all the means we have to keep in touch with people. Long distance charges are all but a thing of the past, I well remember having to be careful to not talk too long on the phone to prevent a huge phone bill. Anymore you no longer have to do that. There's email, there's social media, there's Skype, and you still have letters and the phone. If a certain time to talk on the phone is a bad time, one can easily arrange another time.
One doesn't have to call every week, but if calling or sending an email etc once every 4-6 weeks is too much, you're too busy. If you care, you keep up with people, you don't make pathetic excuses about being "busy," because frankly if you are that busy then you are too busy, and yes I dare suggest this applies to EVERYBODY no matter the idea that "not everyone has to be like you" or such drivel.
I could not agree more. More than that, I don't care what anybody else says "some people are different." No, some people are just lazy. Sometimes, a given way IS the right way, and something else is wrong and that's just the truth. Don't like it? Tough, who cares.
"Busy" to me is a pathetic excuse what with all the means we have to keep in touch with people. Long distance charges are all but a thing of the past, I well remember having to be careful to not talk too long on the phone to prevent a huge phone bill. Anymore you no longer have to do that. There's email, there's social media, there's Skype, and you still have letters and the phone. If a certain time to talk on the phone is a bad time, one can easily arrange another time.
One doesn't have to call every week, but if calling or sending an email etc once every 4-6 weeks is too much, you're too busy. If you care, you keep up with people, you don't make pathetic excuses about being "busy," because frankly if you are that busy then you are too busy, and yes I dare suggest this applies to EVERYBODY no matter the idea that "not everyone has to be like you" or such drivel.
Maybe some people are just insecure, and require regular confirmation of their friendships. I don't. I get all the daily contact I need from my immediate family. I'm busy, my friends are busy, and I don't expect more from them than I can give back. I guess that counts as reciprocity in my book. Two, three, or four times a year counts as enough contact to keep a connection alive for me.
I was thinking about this the other day. I have a friend, I have been friends with for nearly 2 decades. And over the time I have known her, the time we spend together tended to ebb and flow based on her work schedule and relationship status.
I haven't seen her much lately, and she has been in the same relationship for 5+ years, lives in the same place, so there is no obvious reason for us to have such a big gap. And then I figured out what it was.
I am typically the "planner" in my friendships. This means I plan and suggest a lot of outings and invite everyone along. And I have done this pretty much my whole life. But over the past 2 years something changed. Suddenly I know a lot more planners. And I have gotten a lot busier. So I am not initiating many activities with anyone. I used to plan stuff weekly. Now it is probably monthly. And she doesn't initiate activities often. So suddenly our friendship dynamic changed because I am not doing my "job" of creating activities.
As a result, I see the people who invite me to stuff a whole lot more. She is invited to some of the things, but now I have more people in my circle that don't know her. So I see her less.
I don't know what the right answer is. But it is interesting to think about.
I could not agree more. More than that, I don't care what anybody else says "some people are different." No, some people are just lazy. Sometimes, a given way IS the right way, and something else is wrong and that's just the truth. Don't like it? Tough, who cares.
"Busy" to me is a pathetic excuse what with all the means we have to keep in touch with people. Long distance charges are all but a thing of the past, I well remember having to be careful to not talk too long on the phone to prevent a huge phone bill. Anymore you no longer have to do that. There's email, there's social media, there's Skype, and you still have letters and the phone. If a certain time to talk on the phone is a bad time, one can easily arrange another time.
One doesn't have to call every week, but if calling or sending an email etc once every 4-6 weeks is too much, you're too busy. If you care, you keep up with people, you don't make pathetic excuses about being "busy," because frankly if you are that busy then you are too busy, and yes I dare suggest this applies to EVERYBODY no matter the idea that "not everyone has to be like you" or such drivel.
Seems to me folks who have the inclination to define (for people they don't even know!)the correct way to conduct relationships, perhaps have too much time on their hands.
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