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When is it right to question a friends decision about the person she is marrying vs. best to just be there for her without question? Is there a certain age, after that one shouldn't doubt/question?
So I have a friend who told me 2 weeks ago that she met someone and thinking of having small wedding end of this summer. I visited her back in November & this guy was not in picture. She confirmed she only met him in Dec, but they hang out everyday & she really likes him. She is 31 and has been ready to settle down since 25. She gets attached to guy very easily, the last 2 guys left her heart broken. She is very intelligent, finishing up her residency this year & full fledge MD, but when it comes to guys I don't think she is that smart.
My initial reaction was to ask "is this the right guy?". "don't you think you are moving too fast"..etc without trying to be confrontational. Then I congratulated her & went on to talking about wedding planning all while I wanted to tell her "you are making a mistake, calm down". Now that I had time to think about it & I am meeting her this weekend, I don't know if I should keep my doubts to myself. After all she is highly educated, mature girl who can make best decision for herself. OR should I be the negative person that is questioning her decision & gives her bad vibe.
At this stage in life, are we best just being there for each other regardless of the decision we make or do you never lose the right to question a friends judgment because that's what friends are for?
It sounds like you aren't basing your opinion on the guy being wrong for her, only on the amt of time they've been together. When you know, you know. I don't think you have enough to go on to criticize her decision.
I understand the fine line between offering candid advice because you care about her (and since her track record with men has been less than stellar), and not wanting to be overly intrusive. If you have a candid discussion, I believe you can get all your points across without having her feel like she lacks the intelligence and judgment to act independently.
Just because you highlight some valid issues hardly makes you a negative friend who is out to sabotage her plans and fill her mind with endless doubt. If you are discreet and sensitive, she most likely will appreciate your concern.
Be honest and tell her what you think, then listen to what she says and don't argue. If she has any doubts you may confirm them.
My husband pretty much moved in with me about 2 weeks after we met. I know my friends thought I had lost my mind, but we've been together 20 years and married for 18. Sometimes it just works out like that.
If you are a true and close friend, I am sure you can ask her frank questions and offer thoughtful advice. But respect her answers and wishes.
I agree.
Another thing that you can try is to suggest the advantages of a longer engagement. If your friend had always talked about a large wedding or a dream wedding perhaps you can suggest that instead of having a small wedding in September she could wait and save up and have the wedding in September 2017. She could invite all of her friends, all of the groom's friends and all of relatives on both sides instead of just a handful of people.
If it is real love the wedding will wait. If it is not real love than she will know more with an additional year of dating.
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-20-2016 at 09:35 AM..
Her maturity is the issue here really. You don't know enough about the guy, and given that I know multiple happy and successful marriages that are the result of people deciding they are right for each other immediately (which I find mind-boggling), you can't really use either of those reasons as a solid argument.
But how do you tell a friend "you're immature and needy" in a polite way? I dunno.
It sounds like you aren't basing your opinion on the guy being wrong for her, only on the amt of time they've been together. When you know, you know. I don't think you have enough to go on to criticize her decision.
I don't either.
I did voice my concerns when a friend married on what seemed like a very quick rebound after her divorce.
He was also fairly recently divorced, and she didn't appear to want to delve too closely into what caused his first marriage to break down. But I only brought it up because she was waffling over the decision.
They did marry, but it hasn't been without some bumps.
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