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It might be instructive to know why his marriages ended, whether it's an Aspergers-like inability to read facial expressions or he understands what he's doing but doesn't care how anyone else feels about it.
I don't think it's your job to find things for him to do. People need to set boundaries...and keep their doors locked. No one can get in unless you let them in.
The "why" of spending money on his grandson is easy. He's buying access. Added to everything else (his inappropriate interactions with children in public), it's creepy.
Good points.
And sometimes when a grandparents a lot of money on his grandchild it is a way of telling his offspring that they are a failure and can not support their child adequately. After all, how many grandparents pay for their grandchildren's dental work ?
He spends his time taking his grandson to different places (he stays at the grandson's parents' house for hours at different times). He dotes on the boy. He takes him on several short vacations every year, takes him places every week, takes him to routine things like the library and such. He gives the parents money for the boy's clothes, specialty items, dental work, gifts.
If he likes kids that much, there are so many, many places he could be helping kids that really need a kind, grandfatherly role model in their lives. Reading time at the public library, volunteering at the local elementary school, working at a woman's shelter -- especially during the summer, when kids are out of school -- or even volunteering at a children's hospital. Working with Boy Scouts, etc.
If you have no issue with your brother, then I'd MYOB. It is not your job to solve other people's problems. If he talks to you about it, then I would be honest with him. "Harvey, several relatives have said that they think you are too dependent on them to provide you with something to do. They cannot always stop what they are doing to entertain you. We all think you would enjoy life more if you found a service group or hobby that you enjoy."
Why doesn't his son talk to him? If grandpa is interfering with his family life and "taking over" things that are the parents responsibility then his son should tell him first. His son needs to tell him that he is overstaying his welcome at their house. You can reinforce and back up what his son tells him.
Please continue telling him to not be "overly friendly" with children that he does not know. He could easily run into a parent that is overly protective and calls the police or accuses him of improprieties. Or someone watching him go up to a child that he does not know may call the police.
You do not want a situation to develop into dangerous misunderstandings & miscommunications because your brother does not "read cues" very well.
If he really likes children suggest that he volunteer at a local elementary school or at the Boys & Girls Club or be an assistant coach for a YMCA sport (unless you think that he really could be a pedophile & then he should stay far, far away from children).
I would really encourage him to start going to a senior center or senior activities/exercise classes at the YMCA. He will have fun and meet new people that are his own age.
I've never been in that situation before. If my sibling or parent came over uninvited or over-stayed his welcome, I'd probably not spend the time sitting and chatting with him. I'd probably go about my day, doing chores or whatever, hoping he'd take the hint, or at least getting done what needed to be done regardless of his presence. If I needed to go somewhere, I'd politely tell him it was nice of him to stop by, but I need to get going to do xyz.
Does he not take hints, or are people not dropping them?
No. He doesn't take hints, apparently. I mean, we're talking about someone for whom it doesn't even cross his mind that it may not be appropriate to pop in and stay for hours at people's houses.
Wow he would make such a great voluteer for hospice, or meals on wheels or just going to hospitals or care facilities to visit with those who don't get many visitors. My deceased mother was in a memory care place and there were some volunteers who came by frequently to just be someone's friend. It added so very much to lonely folks' lives. Sure wish he could find it in his heart to volunteer in such a capacity.
I'm going to suggest that to him. He would talk to people for hours about anything they wanted to talk about.
I find it strange that he's there at his kid's place, overstaying his welcome... But he hasn't asked about the change in DIL's behavior, he just continues to be clueless? I get that perhaps there's a discomfort for them in relaying that he's not a good guest, but I wonder if he's trying to be obtused at their expense. And why is he giving them what sounds like a lot of money? That also is problematic.
If he's Mr. Right all the time, then you might as well cut to chase and not worry about hurting his feelings. His natural inclination will be to fight it regardless but the message needs to through. He needs to also be aware about the pedophile perception because even a false accusation will have a devastating effect.
If you're looking for a way to get him to do stuff, instead of suggesting that he do whatever, just have him accompany you to whatever the activities is. Have your dad ask him to "volunteer" with him at the Senior Center.
Yes, he's a know it all. That has been his biggest problem all his life.
I think the son/daughter-in-law have trouble telling him to leave because my brother has given them so much financial assistance over the years. And also because they don't want to hurt him....he loves his grandson to pieces and has been so good to the boy. He has a college fund set up for him and everything. The boy is also my brother's main beneficiary. So, yeah, I guess the parents would be nervous about getting my brother angry.
I've told my brother to quit giving them money and things, to no avail. I've told him that they need to learn to get by on their own wages. IMO, they pump him for money. No way I'd take all that assistance, even if it were offered. But they gladly take it without hesitation.
I did tell my brother yesterday, when he said he was leaving my house to drop in on Dad...I told him not to stay long because the last time I saw Dad, he looked really tired. Maybe he was staying up all night caring for his wife, who is sickly. He didn't take offense, and said he wouldn't stay long. It would've been better if he had said he wouldn't drop in on them at all, though.
But my brother is this way with everyone. It's getting much worse with each passing year, is why I'm thinking I should say something. Before someone blurts out something really hurtful to get him to leave.
And the talking to strangers, esp those w/little kids, is weird to me. I asked him why he does that. He said he likes to meet people and the kids are so cute and say silly things. He's meeting people & making friends, he said. I told him that you are not making friends with strangers in Golden Corral that you talk to at the next table. You make friends by doing things you're interested in and meet people that way. He said, "Well...."
If he likes kids that much, there are so many, many places he could be helping kids that really need a kind, grandfatherly role model in their lives. Reading time at the public library, volunteering at the local elementary school, working at a woman's shelter -- especially during the summer, when kids are out of school -- or even volunteering at a children's hospital. Working with Boy Scouts, etc.
I'm going to suggest these things to him. That's more appropriate than speaking to kids in restaurants.
If you have no issue with your brother, then I'd MYOB. It is not your job to solve other people's problems. If he talks to you about it, then I would be honest with him. "Harvey, several relatives have said that they think you are too dependent on them to provide you with something to do. They cannot always stop what they are doing to entertain you. We all think you would enjoy life more if you found a service group or hobby that you enjoy."
Yes...I wonder if that's how I should handle it. By not handling it, since it doesn't affect me directly.
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