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I was just in another thread, and it got me thinking about how many relational conflicts arise because we give another person what they DON'T want when they are upset about something or when they are sick. We tend to give others what we would like, if we were in their shoes, instead of giving them what they really want.
We learn at a young age "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" (give others what you would want them to give you) but that often causes problems. I think with the people we're close to, we need to know them well enough to give them what they want, and not what we would want (giving within reason of course; I don't mean enabling).
Example: I prefer SOLITUDE. If I am upset about something, perhaps crying, I want to be alone. People who care about me would be most helpful to me by just giving me my space. Let me be alone a little, and compose myself. Then I'll come back and talk about it when or if I'm ready. If I am physically sick, I don't want anyone around me. Part of it is embarrassment--I don't like people to see me looking bad, weak, or not in control. Part of it is that I just feel worse when attention is being fixed on me. Leave me alone, please until I feel better.
Other people want or need SOLICITUDE when they are upset. If they are crying, they want people to hug them console them, get them talking, etc. Some people want solicitude when they are sick, they want to be taken care of, comforted, babied. Let me get you some soup, let me get you some tea or some tissues. Let me rub your back or get you a heating pad.
We run into problems when we don't understand the people in our lives and whether they are "solitude people" or "solicitude people."
My ex wanted solicitude and caring whenever he was sick. It used to annoy me. Whenever he was sick, he would be hurt and resentful when I wasn't comforting him and babying him. When he broke a toe, he absolutely needed me to do everything for him; he was completely helpless. When I was sick, I would just want to be left alone, but he would be bringing me stuff, constantly asking if I want something, until I'd get angry. When I was injured, I just did all the usual stuff I did around the house, and just figured out how to get around the injury. He was constantly following me around, wanting to carry things for me, etc.
My good friend in college wanted solicitude when she would get upset. I remember one time at a party, she started crying over some guy, maybe he was hooking up with someone else or something. She was crying and went walking off into the rain (very dramatically), away from the party. I let her have her space. I wouldn't want anyone to bother me if I was feeling like that. The next day, I found out she was mad at me, because I didn't go after her (I waited for her to come back, asked if she was okay, and we went home). I was shocked at her idea that I was supposed to go after her when she ran out to cry in the rain. Why would she want that? Our other roommate and I talked and she was like "of course you were supposed to go after her! she would go after you if you were crying!" I think we were like 20 or 21 at the time, but it was the first time I really figured out that we should probably give people we care about what they need and not what we would need, if we want to have a good relationship. My friend and I worked it out, and she learned what I needed and I learned what she needed, and that those things were different.
Sometimes, however, it doesn't work out. I would tell my ex what I needed (let me be), but he would still give me what HE wanted or needed, I guess thinking "she's just saying that but what she really wants is...." probably he was raised by a mother who would say things like "no, no, I don't need anything..." but she then expected you to fawn all over her. I tried several times to tell him I was not like that, but note, he's my ex for a reason.
So what do you want/need when you are upset? Solitude or solicitude?
What do you want/need when you are sick or in pain? Solitude or Solicitude?
Have you run into problems when you and someone else were opposites and you gave each other what you would want yourselves?
When I am sick, I prefer everyone just leave me the heck alone. There have been a couple of occasions when one of my daughters has helped me out when I was either too ill to get out of bed or had broken bones.
I am mad at myself when I am sick enough to lay down. I don't like having others wait on me yet I have spent my life caring and loving others when they are in need.
Other people seeing me cry is extremely humiliating for me, and I never forget it.
Also, other people fussing over me and getting me to talk about it makes it worse. I have a specific process for coping that works. Other people imposing their method on me almost always makes me feel much worse.
Also, some "it's best to talk about it" people are really arrogant in believing that I would ever in a million years approach them to "talk about it". Usually these are drama hounds who are not friends.
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I was shocked at her idea that I was supposed to go after her when she ran out to cry in the rain. Why would she want that?
She probably learned this from soap operas and chick flicks. Those things are like Scooby Doo with their repeating story lines. There is always someone who gets upset and flees dramatically from a group of people. One of them is required to call dibs on who goes after her, then that person does and gives sage advice.
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Definitely
