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I'm a 37 year old married female and I have little to no relationship with my siblings and parents. I have been the "scapegoat" of the family my entire life. I'm the oldest of 3, I have one sister and brother. My mother got pregnant with me at a young age and my birth father signed away his parental rights. She married the man that raised me when I was one years old. He adopted me and I have always considered him my father.
Even though I'm older and married, things haven't changed. I have come to the conclusion they never will be different as I wished for many years. My mother is very difficult and says what she wants, when she wants, no matter how much I tell her it bothers me. She has no respect for me as a woman and I have done everything but beg for it. I have come to the conclusion she will never love me as she does my younger half-siblings. So then there are my siblings - they are what I call my mothers "flying monkeys". My younger sister is married and successful - my sister enables my mothers behavior. They are besties and I tried for years to forge a friendship with my sister away from my mother. But it wouldn't work. My mother was always getting in the middle and running to my sister whenever my mother and I had a fight. I just wanted my mother to leave my siblings out of it but she has always played them against me. Then there is my brother - my parents enable him. He is 32 years old and living with them. He doesn't work and all he does is smoke pot. I gave up on him awhile ago. He is a 16 year old in a 32 year old mans body. He doesn't work but manages to go on cross country trips and trips to Europe - I have no clue how. My parents make constant excuses for him.
I was kicked out at 19 - at my mothers demand. She even threatened my father with "Its her or me" when I was as teenager. Well..It was me who had to go. Of course it irks me that I struggled from the age of 19 - 29 financially but yet my parents enable my brother to no end.
If my mother and I have an argument she tells everyone and I'm the bad guy. The thing is I'm not the bad guy. I stopped putting up with my mother and her antics years ago. I don't let her push me around anymore and I stand up for myself. I have tried to go no contact in the past but that would mean I wouldn't be able to talk to my dad - because he sides with her every time. She hates that I don't sit back and let her disrespect me anymore.
I have an amazing and fairly successful husband that would do anything for me. We bought a beautiful home 1.5 years ago and we have a good marriage. We are currently trying to get pregnant. But even with all of this I'm sad. I'm sad that my family sucks. I'm sad when I see my acquaintances/friends have these amazing relationships with their parents/siblings. My dog of 12 years passed away 6 months ago - I was devastated (still am) and my family knew how much he meant to me but I never heard a word from my siblings about it. They didn't care. That really hurt me. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
Of course people say to me "but shes your mother" and "they are your family".. ok and? I should let them treat me like crap? I have aunts, uncles and cousins that watched me get treated like **** for so many years but no one ever stood up for me.
Thanks for letting me vent. Does anyone else have poor family relations? if so how do you handle it?
I have an amazing and fairly successful husband that would do anything for me. We bought a beautiful home 1.5 years ago and we have a good marriage. We are currently trying to get pregnant.
I copied the most important part of your post. You, me, and many others have similar experiences with the families that we grew up with and have no control over it, yet we give them massive amounts of power over us. You are INCREDIBLY fortunate to have a man who you describe as amazing, being married, having a beautiful home, and beginning a family with him. Please, by all means, make this the centerpiece of your life. Manage your interactions with extended family as best you can, be sincere but aloof, and celebrate your fortune with your mate and best friend at every possible turn in life. One day you will be parents, use your experiences with your 'other' family as a template for the dysfunction that you want to avoid. Many people don't know any better and go from the frying pan into the fire regarding who they marry and the life that they build. Count your blessings that you will take your journey through life with someone who you regard as amazing. You are doubly blessed in that he probably feels the same about you.
You were handed a rotten set of cards to play in life. And you know what, you played them well. You have a good husband, a good life and when you do have children you'll know how to raise them far differently than the way you were raised.
Take a look at the posts on city-data. For every person who has a loving family, there are just as many with severely lousy, miserable families. Your upbringing is not at all unusual unfortunately. At the same time you did not succumb to the dysfunction. You rose above it, picked a good man and are making a fine life for yourself. That's quite an achievement.
You're quite right in that it is never likely to change with your parents & siblings. At some point you accept that and move on. Focus on what is now your nuclear family- husband and future kids. Keep your extended family on the edges of your life and give them little importance. Think of your future and let the past be the past.
Sorry about your troubles with your family and hope it gets better for you. Why not try build stronger relationships with other family members you mention. I have first cousins who are like brothers and sisters, and I had aunts and uncles that I was really close to as well. I wouldn't write them off just yet though, just take small steps. And as you work on your relationship with other family members, keep your mom and your siblings out of the conversation . Don't give them anything to repeat back to them, that wont help the situation at all. Good luck to you and sorry to hear about your pet.
That's good that you're now standing up for yourself, and I agree that cutting off ties completely isn't necessarily the way to go.
Keep in mind that there are several ways to deal with your mother. I can't tell what exactly the problem is, what exactly are the types of things that she's saying to bug you, but:
-You can argue back
-You can retort wth sarcastic quips
-You can just keep blankly going "Uh-huh"
-You can literally ignore her, even walk out of the room
Over time, you just have to decide what works best for you.
But how about some effort to see your father alone? Could you ask him out to lunch? Could you ask him to come with you to give you advice while you shop for a new TV (and then go to lunch in the process)? Could you invite him to an activity that's of particularly interest to him?
None of gets everything we want in life. I do agree that your family utterly disappointing. You will need to build your own family. Cultivate your in-laws, who produced your wonderful husband. Have kids and be the parent to them that wanted your mom to be for you. Find good friends who can be your surrogate family.
If your sadness is getting in the way of your life, then seek help for this, OK? You might want to talk through your feelings of sadness with a professional. It might be that you need to find your father, if you have ever wanted to do that. But, if you might be depressed, do seek help.
I think there are a lot of people who have been dealt bad hands in life who have been denied a loving partner. You really do have things to be thankful for.
But if you need help deciding how to think about your life or your disappointing family, then find a counselor or therapist to help you find a constructive way to think about this.
None of gets everything we want in life. I do agree that your family utterly disappointing. You will need to build your own family. Cultivate your in-laws, who produced your wonderful husband. Have kids and be the parent to them that wanted your mom to be for you. Find good friends who can be your surrogate family.
If your sadness is getting in the way of your life, then seek help for this, OK? You might want to talk through your feelings of sadness with a professional. It might be that you need to find your father, if you have ever wanted to do that. But, if you might be depressed, do seek help.
I think there are a lot of people who have been dealt bad hands in life who have been denied a loving partner. You really do have things to be thankful for.
But if you need help deciding how to think about your life or your disappointing family, then find a counselor or therapist to help you find a constructive way to think about this.
I am in my seventh decade of life and always been the family scapegoat. until just a few years ago I was still trying to get them to love me. they didn't and never will. but they did keep hurting me. you are still so young. PLEASE believe me when I tell you they will never change. you are good and they will always hate you for that.
Thanks for letting me vent. Does anyone else have poor family relations? if so how do you handle it?
I cut them off. Completely.
You certainly know the PD lingo. Scapegoat, flying monkeys, no contact. I think you forgot to mention your sister (or brother) is the golden child.
Do you really want to talk to your father if he always takes your mother's side? If he can't even acknowledge the damage done to you, he's not much of a dad. Probably tells your mother everything you say. I would give him up as a lost cause.
I am sorry about the loss of your beloved dog. When I lost my elderly cat to kidney disease, my father somehow found out and tried to hurt me with it publicly.
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