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Thank you so much for the wonderful responses many of you have given me. Very heartfelt and appreciated! You have given me wonderful advice - some me teary. Thank you.
OP, you're lucky you've got somebody who gives a damn about you. I guess, like you, I kind of look at close families with envy because I never had that and I guess I will never know the feeling.
Both sides of my family are pretty much the same way. I'm the oldest on my mother's side and am constantly treated with disdain and contempt. I only hold back from telling people off because I only see those people for certain things like Christmas or Thanksgiving. My grandparents enable my younger brother as much as possible. When he needs $10,000 or so, they'll hand it to him. My aunts and some of my uncles on that side just tolerate me because they know or feel they have to, and they don't even tell their kids about me. Last Christmas, they were surprised and frightened by how well their kids took to me and latched on. That's what happens when you raise your kids inside of a bubble where there is only one opinion and nothing but safety harnesses, so to speak. Their children are old enough to remember me forever!
My dad's side is all about backstabbing and acting nice in front of people's face. They're typical pious religious hypocrites. The only two people I talk to on that side are my dad and one of my cousins. Everybody else is dead to me. They've spread so many rumors about me and have talked so much crap that there isn't any going back and making peace. I'll have my say one of these days. When I do, I'll watch them scatter and flee, because the breadwinner is an enabler of child molestation. I know it and they know I know it, which makes them spread even more BS about me. Their problem is, I can prove they enabled a child molester to do their dirty deeds on several kids on an uncle's wife's side of the family. Like Joe Paterno and his only worry about Penn State's reputation, they were thinking about the reputation of her family's name more than the well being of numerous nieces and nephews. They also talk all kinds of smack about those nieces and nephews of theirs, who aren't related to me. I'll drop that bomb one of these coming months or years. It'll be great! I do believe enablers should be dealt with the same way a child molester should be dealt with: a bullet to their head. Perhaps the enablers should be physically tortured until they beg to be killed.
All I know is when my dad finally passes away, I may very well change my last name. My closest friends are my family. They have always been there for me, and I have always been there for them.
OP, you really need a nice mother, so go out and find one.
Try a local nursing home. I guarantee there is a lovely lady there whose selfish children won't visit. She'll love to have you visit and talk about your children. Or look around at your church. Join a club. Check around your neighbirhood. Find a mom aged woman with no family of her own and befriend her. Win win.
This response couldn't be more insensitive. I don't even have words. You sound a lot like my mother. Smh.
I am compassionate when people have serious problems and can't resolve them alone or need <HUGS> just to get them through the 'bleak night' they are facing, etc. However, sometimes people just whine too - which is fine but when they whine in a first post and leave out critical details so we can really see how bad things are for them, I don't blame people when they say that what the scenario is doesn't sound 'that bad' (especially if one compares it perhaps to one's own life or to situations that have been publicized that are a whole lot worse).
OP ... I too might agree with what the poster you just replied to said - but I know that you PERCEIVE things to be terrible, worse than awful and destroying your life. I'm sorry you are so ill treated. But, if you thought his post was just like listening to your mother, that could be your real problem - you may be too sensitive perhaps.
There was a lot of good advice in that post and yet you ignored that to just say it was (all? you didn't say what part you took offense at) more than insensitive. Which perhaps tells me a lot about your 'sensitivity' level and what it is you are really looking for here. I think perhaps you focussed on the dog comment but didn't really even read all the way through that before you reacted? Seems you have a bit of a hair trigger today? Anyway .. I think your response was not well done since you didn't identify what it was that so 'offended' you.
Many people have families they don't consider ideal. Many people have parents who abandoned them or beat them half to death or assaulted them - and those are definitely worth compassion, even for a first time poster. My heart goes out to everyone who experienced such terrible childhoods - and I can certainly understand how it has affected them forever.
But, I still don't really understand how your mother was so horrible, although again I can see you PERCEIVED she was (and, perception is everything, right?). She says what she wants - and that is bad? You say she favours the others but how? And your father .. you have a great relationship with him you say (which is wonderful) but he stands up for his wife - wouldn't you want your husband to do that for you too? Either you left out a lot of details or maybe, compared to real travesties, you are not so badly off? I don't know but you didn't really give much information to go on here.
You 'tried' to go no contact? I don't quite understand that - you either did or you didn't, right? You can resolve your own problem right now by going no contact with your whole family, including your father who apparently is more concerned anyway about his wife than his adopted child who is out on her own and is well taken care of. I would bet no one, especially from such a horrible family as you have, would protest if they even notice. After all, you have a wonderful husband and new life. And you want to dwell in the past not look to the future?
That said, I am again sorry for your troubles. Not quite sure why you would post to the world about it, mind you, but that seems to be the way things are done today. I give you a gold star trophy though. Does that make it all better?
OP, so many of us have been born into families like this. You can spend the rest of your life trying to gain the love and acceptance of a parent that - for whatever reason - cannot seem to love and accept you. Do yourself a favor and stop looking for something that probably won't ever be there, and concentrate on nurturing healthy relationships with others.
The one blessing of being raised in a family like this is that you know what NOT to do to your own kids, and you know what is important TO do. Your own parents failings will make you a better parent.
And my sympathies about the loss of your dog. I can well imagine after 12 years together, your friend must be missed.
Nobody gets perfect parents. Your mom sounds like she didn't like you because of the situation with your father. I have a friend who has a similar situation. I actually know a couple of people with that same type of story.
Somebody must have done something right during your early years because you are pretty well adjusted and happily married. You didn't get 'screwed up for life' like a lot of children do. It might sound stupid to be grateful to your parents for giving you the most important thing, yourself.
Now you are an adult and you get to make your own life. Your family of origin is not that important to your life unless you want them to be. You could send them a Christmas card, and a Mothers day card if you want. That is all you have to do. Be civil and polite but that's it.
See your dad. He is your stepdad but he is your dad. You can see him without seeing the whole family. Keep in touch with him and avoid the rest. We don't have to do anything we don't want to do when it comes to choosing who we see or don't see. There is nothing wrong with not liking your family. It is ok to say that and to feel that. You don't like them very much. We don't like everybody in the world and I have no problem dropping people who aren't my friends.
Is your mom your friend? Not really....What about your brother and sister? Nope....Your dad, yes...He is your friend.
I am a mom and my kids are grown. They like me and want me to be their mom. They have their own lives, and I have mine. I can't stop being their mother but it is no longer my place to tell them how to be or what to do. We are programmed from babyhood to think that our parents are authority. My kids kind of still expect me to boss them around but that isn't my job anymore.
Parents are people and we screw up and are imperfect but hopefully we will have given you what you need to be a successful adult. Some adversity builds character so that is something to consider also.
You are strong, and you will be the mom soon. The mom makes the rules. You will make the rules in your house. You will make mistakes and you will not be perfect but you will give your children what they need.
Thank you again for some very wise and kind advice. I also want to say that just because I wasn't raped, beaten or murdered does not mean I didn't go through hard times. Verbal and mental and emotional abuse is also abuse. And that was my reality.
You can't tell someone that their past experience is not severe or "that bad" because it doesn't measure up to what YOU would consider abuse.
Thank you again for some very wise and kind advice. I also want to say that just because I wasn't raped, beaten or murdered does not mean I didn't go through hard times. Verbal and mental and emotional abuse is also abuse. And that was my reality.
You can't tell someone that their past experience is not severe or "that bad" because it doesn't measure up to what YOU would consider abuse.
I agree! I didn't go through any of those awful things, but I had a miserable childhood. And my mom loved me. We all go through different things, and we process them differently. Your experience is valid, because it is your experience.
But as you probably know yourself, it is now time to move on. I am wishing you a successful pregnancy and happy time as a new mom.
Good luck!
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