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My daughter is fantastic and always considering my welfare. She lives with her two teenage kids; her husband basically lives hundreds of miles away because he's in oil and that's where the jobs are.
She lives on 17 acres of half wooded land. Because I'm a senior and my husband is also and he has diabetes and a bad leg, has lost a ton of weight and spent many days in ICU in the last year she is planning what to do with me when he passes. I appreciate it so very much but have this nagging feeling that I may make a mistake moving on her land. It's premature but it would be permanent.
Where I now live, fifteen miles from her, I have neighbors. Lots of widows. I don't socialize; I keep to myself and am a partial caregiver to my husband. He can walk but not for long. So emotionally I'm not in a real sociable frame of mind.
She thinks we should sell this house a year after he passes and use the proceeds to build a brand new, smaller home on her land. She knows I love country living and peace and quiet. But there are drawbacks to living so close to her and her kids (with whom I am not that close). I would not have a mailbox. She drives to the post office instead . Here, I have a mailbox I can see from my office. I would never have the opportunity to walk outside and strike up a conversation with another lady. Maybe with a deer but not a human. I could not get on the phone and give any kind of workman my address. Finding her house is almost impossible which would be worse with what we'd build for me. If, and that is a big IF, I wanted to spend some time entertaining a male friend she'd know it. Not that I have the desire to do that after what I'm going through now. Living there, going to the grocery store is slightly "iffy" as far as safety is concerned due to lack of enough traffic lights. Here, it is four miles on a straight road that ends in a four way stop. I feel perfectly safe and have driven that road now for six years. Pulling out of the grocery parking lot and up to the light is a breeze. With her town, you have to cross over two lanes with no lights to pull into their parking lot. It is possible, though, she would do all my grocery shopping for me which is a two edged sword because, although I wouldn't have to do it, she's the type that would "forget" to buy certain things for me due to them not being healthy - like cupcakes. I have not been a regular church goer since I was sixteen. In that town, she and her family and her friends and inlaws attend church services at least once per week. I love the members there but, again, it feels like pressure. And here, i can call the club up the street and order take out. There, that is not available. I'd be out in the middle of nowhere with her frequently checking up on me and evaluating my housekeeping (seriously) which makes me feel pressured to be Little Ms Homemaker like she is. Am I going to regret turning her down? Is it a dream of an offer? Or should I stay here and have the chance of making friends with the neighbors and doing church or not? The taxes on her land would be much cheaper than they are here but…who pays for what? Red flag? TIA very much!
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that you are simply NOT READY for this, and you are obviously in excellent frame of mind in order to analyze this situation as well as you have.
Why does this have to be a "now or never" situation??? Your daughter can't wait until the kids are gone, or when you would really need the assistance? Is she that lonely? WHY does she need you there now? At this time it sounds like you are able to care for your husband, appreciate your friends and lifestyle, and be close to the things you need and not be controlled. And can I assume that you would be far from medical services if you moved in with your daughter?
Yes, you are fortunate that you have a child eager to take you in - many elders don't have that privilege. But you are simply not ready for that radical change in lifestyle yet, and you don't seem to need it.
She doesn't need me at all. *She knows this is for when my husband passes.* And i"m sure she isn't lonely. I've never known anyone with more friends.
But your answer has given me the peace of mind to know I don't have to jump up and pack when she makes the announcement. And I appreciate that.
I have no friends in our subdivision at all. I think I "could have" if I were more receptive when I see one when I'm outside but this black cloud of caretaking , rather than making me want to cry on their shoulders, keeps me at arm's length so to speak. I smile and chat briefly but my mind is on him .
A "friend" of mine, when hearing about this, was rude enough to say she's just planning this because the house would increase her net worth. OK; but I was going to leave everything to her anyway. Maybe she wants to make sure of that? Maybe she wants to keep me away from the widowers in my neighborhood? I don't want to cut her down. She's really a fantastic person and always makes a point to think of others' needs. She said she doesn't want to have to drive fifteen miles one way to check on me when I could be so close and I get that. I'm just not sure what I want to do and my husband is happily watching football and eating shrimp so I don't think he's on death's door. At either location I am far from hospitals but at least here I can give an exact address for the ambulances. And believe me, I've done that quite a bit when he was falling on the tiles.
She just plans ahead. On everything. I don't know how she sleeps.
Well.... if increasing her property value is the idea behind it, I think she would have sticker-shock at how her property TAXES would increase after adding the smaller house. And, y'know, 15 miles is nothing. My two elder brothers live 17 miles apart in a rural area, and each makes much better driving time to visit the other than it takes me to commute only 8 miles to work in the suburbs. It sounds pretty ideal to me. You're close enough to each other now, but far enough to enjoy your independence, and you are entitled to that independence. Whatever her motives are, she's over-thinking things.
Is she a control freak? That would explain her fretting about your life as a widow wanting to date again. I have seen my share of adult kids behave this way, including my husband's siblings when their mother obtained a boyfriend during her last few years alive. You would have thought that the world came to an end! Money wasn't the concern because she didn't have it. But I watched one of his brothers carry on like a big baby because her boyfriend "had no right to using Dad's tool", although the tools were hers. But I'm spinning out here and shouldn't be - sorry.
Well, y'know, your husband has you right now and you're more comfortable with the medical services available at your own home. You also do not show any signs of stress at this time in caring for him. Friends are very important. Sounds like to me like you are in darn good shape.
Boy; are you a jewel !! Yes; I'd say she's a control freak. She seems to want her family members to conform to her way of doing things. She's a perfectionist. It seems impossible with two teenagers but her house is immaculate, she's a personal trainer plus she goes to yoga so her size 4 body is hard as a rock and her teeth are extremely white. Her kids have great clothes are are very clean and obedient. The sort of funny thing, if you're as mean as I am, is 25 years ago I remarried and my husband i have now was obese. She seemed to hate him and bragged about her fiancee's physique. The tide has turned. Now my husband has lost forty pounds at least and her husband is a 3X and only 5'9" tall. She says, "he's morbidly obese." Divine Retribution.
She said recently the house that's in her mind is "small enough to keep clean."
Driving that fifteen miles to her house seems more like thirty. The first ten the speed limit is 60 mph and there is almost no traffic. But when you arrive in her small town you have to drive 30 mph and the road winds and winds forever until in many spots you're going 20.. I rarely go over there. Although soon I will because she has painted all her kitchen cabinets and is getting new granite and I want to see it. lol
If it so happens you reply and I don't answer it's because I'm driving up to the club to bring dinner home. And that's a one mile drive. lol
It appears to me Susan in reading your posts, you really don't want to move. There doesn't seem to be one positive reason for moving in what you've said so far. I would imagine life in the woods would be a nightmare, under the watchful eye of your controlling daughter. You seem to have your wits about you, so don't be seduced into making a decision that (I think) you'll regret. Stay where you are and best of luck to you!
Boy; are you a jewel !! Yes; I'd say she's a control freak.
She seems to want her family members to conform to her way of doing things. She's a perfectionist. It seems impossible with two teenagers but her house is immaculate, she's a personal trainer plus she goes to yoga so her size 4 body is hard as a rock and her teeth are extremely white. Her kids have great clothes are are very clean and obedient. The sort of funny thing, if you're as mean as I am, is 25 years ago I remarried and my husband i have now was obese. She seemed to hate him and bragged about her fiancee's physique. The tide has turned. Now my husband has lost forty pounds at least and her husband is a 3X and only 5'9" tall. She says, "he's morbidly obese." Divine Retribution. She said recently the house that's in her mind is "small enough to keep clean."
Driving that fifteen miles to her house seems more like thirty. The first ten the speed limit is 60 mph and there is almost no traffic. But when you arrive in her small town you have to drive 30 mph and the road winds and winds forever until in many spots you're going 20.. I rarely go over there. Although soon I will because she has painted all her kitchen cabinets and is getting new granite and I want to see it. lol
If it so happens you reply and I don't answer it's because I'm driving up to the club to bring dinner home. And that's a one mile drive. lol
Wow! Big Red Flags! Building a house "small enough to keep clean" sounds like an insult to your housekeeping.
Now, it would be a completely different situation if DD said something like "Mom. I really love you. I want you to know that you are always welcome to build a house on my land, or move into my house, so that we are closer together so that I can help you if you need help when you are older." But, I agree that how she said it makes it sound like a demand and being controlling. It was especially concerned about her comment about "not wanting to drive 15 miles to check on you." Sheesh! 15 miles is nothing at all, if it allows Mom to live where she wants to live.
You did not mention how old you are and your health situation. I have had quite a few relatives live/lived on their own in their own homes, until well into their 80s and even their 90s. Will you be able to do that, we don't know. But, you daughter sounds more selfish than helpful for wanting you to move close to her, but not into her own home.
BTW. Stop by the Caregiver Forum if you need support from fellow caregivers. We are a friendly, knowledge bunch of posters.
It appears to me Susan in reading your posts, you really don't want to move. There doesn't seem to be one positive reason for moving in what you've said so far. I would imagine life in the woods would be a nightmare, under the watchful eye of your controlling daughter. You seem to have your wits about you, so don't be seduced into making a decision that (I think) you'll regret. Stay where you are and best of luck to you!
Ceira, thank you. I spent nine years on top of a hill in Arkansas with no other house in sight and I loved it so much and will always miss it. But, then, I had him to share it with. We had fat deer in our driveway and munching on our shrubs. We'd still be there if he hadn't gotten kidney cancer. When we told my daughter she said not to rely on Arkansas surgeons and that she was friends with a fantastic oncologist in Texas. And he IS fantastic! We were so freaked out and scared he'd die (I didn't know anything about kidney cancers being removed laproscopically and often not spreading, etc) , he obviously lived and for five years he was fine but I was homesick for my big house on the hill. Then he got thyroid cancer two years ago but she only removed half of it. We don't know the status of it now but he is not interested in submitting to chemo and radiation or even knowing his CT scan results of his abdomen. We don't even discuss it; he's feeling great. He just can't walk that well nor is he pursuing physical therapy. He walked to the mailbox yesterday and I was watching him from my window. Stressful.
I do feel concern about her watching me but she told me recently there is no way we could even see each other's houses from that distance. I'm going to wait to see how much I change, how my health holds out, if I feel lonely or not, if I can afford this place, etc before leaving. I don't want to hurt her feelings but where I am is fine. Not great because it's a little pricey and I detest the kitchen but it's ok.
Wow! Big Red Flags! Building a house "small enough to keep clean" sounds like an insult to your housekeeping.
Now, it would be a completely different situation if DD said something like "Mom. I really love you. I want you to know that you are always welcome to build a house on my land, or move into my house, so that we are closer together so that I can help you if you need help when you are older." But, I agree that how she said it makes it sound like a demand and being controlling. It was especially concerned about her comment about "not wanting to drive 15 miles to check on you." Sheesh! 15 miles is nothing at all, if it allows Mom to live where she wants to live.
You did not mention how old you are and your health situation. I have had quite a few relatives live/lived on their own in their own homes, until well into their 80s and even their 90s. Will you be able to do that, we don't know. But, you daughter sounds more selfish than helpful for wanting you to move close to her, but not into her own home.
BTW. Stop by the Caregiver Forum if you need support from fellow caregivers. We are a friendly, knowledge bunch of posters.
I can't imagine her ever saying, "Mom, I really love you." She will NEVER invite me to live inside her house and I don't want to. Her husband comes into town fairly frequently and we don't get along. We don't argue or anything like that but he gives off this "chill" and always has. If I were living in his house he would hate my guts. I think he thinks that I feel his family is inferior to mine. I love that family but they're from a whole other world. I'm a Jersey Girl living in Texas. They drink a lot of beer and talk about football and the oil business. My husband hates alcohol, graduated from Southern Methodist in Dallas and his parents were pretty well off. His ex wife is rolling in cash up to her eyeballs and she doles out huge bucks to his sons. Different world for all concerned.
I am 72 and, except for bleeding ulcers that almost killed me three years ago , my health is stellar.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
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We moved to Florida to be near my husbands mom. She is 84 years young. We've mentioned her moving in with us and have listened to her wants. She wants to stay in her house which is absolutely fine with us.
She is very independent but knows she can rely on us if she needs to. She still drives during daylight hours and volunteers for her Genealogy club at the local Library. She also goes to her church every Sunday.
Just recently she has asked that we pick up the heavy items for her at the grocery store. The point is, we wait till she asks us to do for her. We will not pressure her to do anything. We made the offer and she knows it is on the table if she ever decides to take us up on the invitation for her to move in with us.
You really sound like you do not want to do this. It would isolate you and you would lose any incentive to get out and about.
I believe you already know what you want to do. I think you are more afraid of your daughter pressuring you and you caving to her.
She will still be there should you absolutely need her help.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
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