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OP, I hear you. I can tolerate a lot of such advice from other people with "just smile and wave" suggestions here. But my mom somehow always finds the worst moment and manner to deliver her opinion on this or that. There is only that much I can tolerate. So last time she was giving unsolicited parenting advice in the middle of our 2 yo tantrum I told her off and said she can no longer visit us if she continues this way.
We are all adults now and they are guests in our house. As guests, they are treated with care and respect and it's reasonable to expect some respect from them as well. So if ignoring it fails I'd let the person know how their behavior makes you feel. Enough is enough.
Re: shoes and carpets. The old etiquette book I read said it's impolite to request the guests to take the shoes off since they are part of the outfit. Of course, I'm sure this implies the shoes are clean. I'd recommend wood floors if you are concerned about cleanliness. Even if you don't wear outdoor shoes at home the carpets harbor all sorts of nasty stuff.
We all do things differently. Some people put their garbage cans under the sink, some people place theirs out in the open up against a wall. Some people have a no shoe rule because they like a clean carpet. Some people hang their keys up on the wall beside the front door while others toss their keys into a small dish on an entry way table. You get where I am going with this? It's your house therefore you can make meaningless decisions like this right?
Ever have family over for the holidays, only to find one of them constantly asking why you do this and not that or have you considered this? All in regard to those meaningless decisions above that the person who lives in the house should only be worried about?
Example: My parents come over to house for Christmas last year. My dad is easy going and also doesn't care about allot of stuff when it comes to others homes. (How it should be) My mom, on the other hand, finds it ok to randomly give her opinion, without it being asked for. It has become a massive annoyance to me. While I enjoy her company, I do not enjoy her constant opinions. I wish she would just shut up about it and engage in a conversation about the weather or something.
To make an even better example. We recently had new windows installed in our home and I personally did the selaing with spray foam and caulking. There is a few places I haven't finished yet, but am getting around to it. I know she's going to say something about it, to which I will roll my eyes and say "i dont' know mom.."
How could I go about handling this in a positive manner this Christmas? Not inviting them over isn't an option, because lets be honest here....thats not solving the problem, thats circumventing it in a round about way. I want her to know that her unwanted opinions are out of line. I have talked to her about it before but she appears to have a selective memory, or is pretending to care and listen to me. One of the two.
I would also like to add that we keep a very clean house. The no shoe rule applies to guests also. Is that too much to ask guests to take off their shoes?
My mom gives unwanted opinions too & it almost destroyed my relationship
Many of us got into the habit of taking off shoes when we had little ones crawling and toddling about, and putting everything into their mouths. I was not interested in tracking in dirt, dog poop, lawn pesticides, spit, etc. into my house while I had a little one crawling on the carpet, and now that I'm an adult I'm still not interested in tracking that stuff into my house for me.
There are small things my parents have picked at that never really bothered me much. My husband and I use paper towels as napkins...I see no point in buying both when they seem to serve the same purpose. The first couple of parties we hosted, my mom seemed bothered by this...they are so used to napkins apparently. I just never really thought anyone would actually care. So now I buy napkins for parties. My father has owned an HVAC company for years. When he comes to our home, or my sister's house, he always messes with the thermostat. I just let it go and adjust it back to where I want it when they leave.
Then there's my friend. She is almost 20 years older than us (she's in her 50s, we are in our 30s) I don't know why I feel her being opinionated has to do with the age difference, I just do. She complains about her boyfriend's mother always being judgmental, but she doesn't realize she is doing the same thing to me. Every time she's over she has a negative comment about something (but she says it in a joking way with a laugh....to 'lighten the mood' I suppose). I'm going to call her out on it the next time she does it.
Location: In a rural place where people can't bother me ;)
516 posts, read 430,682 times
Reputation: 1009
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBeam33
Wow, so many uptight people about the shoes!
Many of us got into the habit of taking off shoes when we had little ones crawling and toddling about, and putting everything into their mouths. I was not interested in tracking in dirt, dog poop, lawn pesticides, spit, etc. into my house while I had a little one crawling on the carpet, and now that I'm an adult I'm still not interested in tracking that stuff into my house for me.
I ran into a version of this when I was a relative's guest over Christmas. My relative kept at me to provide a reason that I seldom take afternoon naps. Yeah, I know, weird issue, but I recently passed a birthday milestone and I think my relative may consider me ancient as a result (my relative is about four years my junior).
When I explained that afternoon naps usually leave me groggy afterwards, and unable to sleep well when bedtime arrives, my relative persisted - how did I know?? Had I tried it?? and so on. I finally had to tell this relative that persistence of this kind made me feel badgered and defensive - at which point, I was termed "sensitive" - aargh!
However, my host-relative is a generally good, certainly generous person. So I am glad I confronted the issue, even at the cost of being inaccurately termed "sensitive" (with "overly" implied...).
Location: In a rural place where people can't bother me ;)
516 posts, read 430,682 times
Reputation: 1009
Quote:
Originally Posted by CraigCreek
I ran into a version of this when I was a relative's guest over Christmas. My relative kept at me to provide a reason that I seldom take afternoon naps. Yeah, I know, weird issue, but I recently passed a birthday milestone and I think my relative may consider me ancient as a result (my relative is about four years my junior).
When I explained that afternoon naps usually leave me groggy afterwards, and unable to sleep well when bedtime arrives, my relative persisted - how did I know?? Had I tried it?? and so on. I finally had to tell this relative that persistence of this kind made me feel badgered and defensive - at which point, I was termed "sensitive" - aargh!
However, my host-relative is a generally good, certainly generous person. So I am glad I confronted the issue, even at the cost of being inaccurately termed "sensitive" (with "overly" implied...).
You should have answered their question with a question......"why do you care?" and when they answered yours, then answer theirs.
I'd give $1000 to hear my dad's little lecture on keeping a tool box neat again. In person. Standing in my garage. I would cherish every single word of his little rant.
Just say "I know" and don't response to the rest of it by ignoring it. If you continue to engage in conversation about it, it just encourages that behavior.
As for the floors and carpet. I have a friend who has this policy no one can wear shoes in his house because of his nice wood floors that he brags about. I told him, I don't feel comfortable not wearing shoes in someone's home (for a number of personal reasons) and declined from visiting. When I told him why, he explained again that the wood floors can be finished only so many times. I told him I thought that was silly and we have wood floors and don't have that issue, and repeated I won't be visiting. Anyone that is so materialistic has issues, and I suspect only invites people over to his house to show off what he thinks is a big deal.
Yours is carpet? People wipe their feet before they come in, and there are carpet cleaners. I recommend you join the rest of society and be concerned about import things instead of your carpet.
It may be your home and your rules, true, but that doesn't mean others have to come there to put up with them.
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