Family drama. Need advice (girlfriend, father, person, member)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Yesterday I found out that my dad has been cheating on my mom for years. He traveled a lot for his job so he always did it when he was away on business trips which is how he hid it so well. As you can imagine I'm pretty angry. I haven't seen him yet because he has been visiting a cousin out of town but I honestly think when I do see him later this week it won't go well. Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation? How did you handle it? How did your relationship change with the cheating parent?
I suspect my dad did in his day. A way-too-iffy story about someone breaking into his hotel room in Chicago to steal his wallet while asleep. And a few years back, I met a guy who was the absolute clone of my brother. I mean, looks, voice, mannerisms. So identical, it's almost freaky. He even was an architect, as was my father. He was born about the same time my father was going through some major problems. I've never mentioned it to my family.
It's perfectly right to be angry at your father. But you'll have to take a cue from your mother in terms of moving forward. If your mother is willing to patch things up, then you need to accede to that, whether you like it or not.
Mind you, you'll hear from the "once a cheater, always a cheater crowd" and the people's whose advice is always go to DefCon1. I'm just not ready to go there. I've never stepped out, and I certainly don't think it's a good idea. But while cheating is always the fault of the person doing the cheating, it typically takes both partners for a marriage like that to go off the rails that way. After all, nobody saying their vows at the altar ever thinks that they are going to end up getting some on the side. Almost without exception, they think it's going to be forever.
So while you're angry at your father, it's important to ask the question, 'Why?' Not to absolve, but to understand the dynamic that put cheating into his mind in the first place. Again, not to blame your mother here. That's not the point. But to get inside your father's head and understand why there's an itch to scratch in the first place. And what he plans on doing to make amends.
Truth be told, I've known a lot of marriages that have survived affairs and actually become far stronger afterwards. One of my best friends had a stupid, stupid affair. After he was found out, they went through a lot of counseling, fixed what was broken, and moved on. It's been twenty-two years, they had twin boys in the intervening time, and they are about to retire and travel the country in an RV. They have a happy life together, likely far happier than if they chose to split up.
How old are you, and how long have your parents been married?
Parents are people, and they make bad decisions. They also don't reveal everything that is going on in their marriage to their kids.
How did you find out your dad was cheating? Do you plan to confront him about this? I have dealt with this among extended family members. If you love both of your parents and want to maintain a relationship with each of them, I would try to get your dad to talk and then listen carefully as an adult and not as his child.
To answer your questions I'm 29 and yes my mom knows about it. Apparently he started doing this before they were married but she only found out when he was about to retire. She said if she knew about it when they were dating she never would have married him. He was an airline pilot so he traveled all the time for work and of course it made it easy for him to hide it. They never had the happiest marriage but I never thought he'd stoop so low as to do this.
My dad cheated on my mom and we all found out. She was angry enough to do some damage to the house, but she didn't leave him. Instead, she colored her hair red (the color my dad's girlfriend used) and started wearing lots of perfume and borrowing my clothes, and my parents started going out to bars a lot. I thought she was weak for staying with him and especially for changing herself to try to look more like the other woman. I think she was afraid to be by herself with three kids.
I think you have to wait and see how your mom reacts. If she's known about it and tolerated it for years, then nothing's really new except that you know about it now too.
To answer your questions I'm 29 and yes my mom knows about it. Apparently he started doing this before they were married but she only found out when he was about to retire. She said if she knew about it when they were dating she never would have married him. He was an airline pilot so he traveled all the time for work and of course it made it easy for him to hide it. They never had the happiest marriage but I never thought he'd stoop so low as to do this.
Sorry to hear this. Parents are the largest people in our lives for a very long time, and it's hard to accept when they go astray. Friends come and go, work relationships are usually temporary, but your parents should be there for you for the rest of your life in both presence and example. So it's doubly hard when someone whom you've always looked up to is weak and selfish. All relationships are built on trust. As a result of your father's actions, you've learned that your foundation is weak.
A hazard here. Our parents teach us a great deal about relationships, both through their words and actions. Sometimes it's about what they do right. Sometimes it's about what they do wrong. I guess what I'm offering here is that your father's failure isn't the failure of all relationships.
This must be horrible for you. As awful as it is, my advice is to do your best to leave it be and try to maintain a decent relationship with your dad. You do not, cannot, know all the dimensions and details of your parents' marriage, and it's futile to try to create a good mom/bad dad scenario, because you won't be working with the facts, just suppositions and emotion. The only thing you do know is whether or not he was a good dad to you, and if he was, that's something real between you and him that can't be erased.
If nothing else, try not to be hasty about making judgments and cutting him off, or telling him off. This is the kind of thing that could create a permanent separation between you and one of your parents, and I don't think that's a good thing.
I was five when my dad first cheated on my mom...that I know of Didn't see him again until I was 10 didn't see him again for another 6 years. It wasn't until I was in my 20's that it hit me what a scumbag he was. Anything that had a skirt he tried to sleep with.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
