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I call the person out on it for being a *****/coward **** beta.
It doesn't help that these same cowards are very much part of that same crowd that wants to correlate confrontation with negativity, or aggression.
You can be confrontational and still be sensible, reasonable, and respectful.
I agree with the above right here. A little assertiveness goes a long way. There are other choices besides passive-aggressiveness and outright aggression.
People here at work use to do that to me. Mostly the office hens. I snapped one day and told them off. Boss jumped me about it, but understood why I did it. Now, they just talk about me behind my back, which id fine. It puts them in the perfect position to kiss my rearend!
Their aim is to make you feel inferior and to goad you into losing your cool in front of others. I would just kind of laugh it off like a joke or say "why would you say that"?
I wouldn't say anything and just not socialize with that person anymore!
There are times I remain passive ( non involvement), and times where I aggressively ( over direct) to resolve an issue. It's wisdom that helped to know when to stand, pause, or move to resolution. All the while understanding that the person (s) , may exhibit pushback or indifference.
Zero tolerance is not indifference...it's asserting a standard. Integrity.
How do you handle this. Have you ever taken the person away into room by themselves and actually worked out your problems together?
I can't, because often the person won't tell me directly that she has a problem with me. If they prefer to talk to everyone else about it, instead of talking to me, I can't do much because I don't know that the problem exists.
There was a mom in my daughter's girl scout troop 2 years ago, that complained about my daughter to the Girl Scout council that my daughter misbehaved at a cookie booth sale. I never knew there was a problem, and I had been there the entire time. The mom never once took me aside and told me she had a problem with my child's behavior. Instead, she told the council that my daughter misbehaved instead of telling me. I still do believe she is a passive aggressive coward.
If you cannot talk to the person you have a problem with, you are a coward.
How do you deal with snide comments, insults disguised as a joke, and general undermining behaviour sometimes in front a group or sometimes alone. Outwardly acting friendly but they have a problem with you. Do you find that people just cannot express their aggression in an upfront way. When you try to talk to them they clam up and won't discuss the issue, explode with anger with an argument and try to accuse you of being aggressive.
How do you handle this. Have you ever taken the person away into room by themselves and actually worked out your problems together? Has anyone ever successfully dealt with this type of situation? Why do so many people behave like this?
It's nearly impossible to deal with. I have an Aunt with NPD and she needs to make me small for her to feel big. For me to seems stupid so she can feel smart, etc. If I had known sooner I could have headed off the 'big drama'.
Even agreeing with them doesn't work. If they want to pick at you they will find a way somehow from something that you say. Or bring something up from the past.
Can you provide an example of one of the worst passive/aggressive comments?
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Virtually none of what you describe is passive-aggressive behavior. And I don't think you want people expressing their anger in an upfront way in work or social situations. Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I'm going to rage at you in front of other people. If I'm expected to maintain group cohesion, that's what I'll do even if I'd rather stab you in the thigh with my lunch spork.
I was curious about your post stating that most of what the OP was complaining about was passive aggressive behavior. I found this article that seems to cover at least some of what the OP was talking about.
I also don't think any of us want to experience anger directly. The problem is that the sort of free floating anger, hostility, exists. People who disguise their hostility in barbs and humor are really hard to take. Surely you do not mean to say that people either become rageful or indirectly hostile!
I suspect that passive aggressive people do have grievances, anger or feelings of inferiority, or powerlessness. Perhaps some feel all of these things. Those feelings have to manifest in some way. The problem rests in those feelings. People who are passive aggressive need to work on themselves, to find out where their behavior comes from, or what purpose it serves.
In the meantime it is best to refuse to engage with someone with issues that manifest as passive aggression. Unless you can talk frankly to him or her, and get them to understand how hurtful their comments are. That might work. Maybe. Or not.
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