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I know. I worry about that a lot. In fact, I'm worried about him being worse than my dad, honestly. My dad got abusive when my mom "wouldn't let things go," like his affairs...or when he was drunk...my brother flips out over really simple stuff that my dad wouldn't have even been asked to do, like put his dirty dishes in the sink.
My mom once told me that she doesn't care if my brother hurts her, but that she's scared for his future...she said, "What if he gets a girlfriend and acts this way toward her? He'll go to jail, and I might not be able to get him out..."
Your mom honestly needs counseling for abused wives. I know she doesn't have an abusive husband anymore but she still living in that 'abused wife' state of mind. She's accepting and enabling your brothers behavior and he's using that to manipulate her. She's not going to change until she gains some self esteem and is strong enough to set some boundaries for herself and your brother isn't going to change until mom has the strength to.
OP, as much as it pains me to say this -- you are helpless. Your mother is an adult, and has made her choice as to how she wants to live her life and raise her son. IMO, she has enabled your brother to be a blight on humanity -- he appears to be addicted to video gaming, and her constant support simply enables his behavior. If he's not in school, he needs to get off his butt and get a job. She is running herself ragged to support a total loser, and that's a shame, but until she realizes it, she's going to keep on doing what she's doing until she collapses from exhaustion, or makes a critical mistake in caring for someone and ends up being sued for malpractice/reckless endangerment/whatever CNA's are liable for. She desperately needs counseling -- her self-esteem must be rock-bottom, to allow her son to brandish a knife and call her those despicable names. She is being emotionally abused by her son, but is experiencing a form of Stockholm Syndrome -- she's been his emotional prisoner for so long, she thinks it's normal.
One thing's for sure -- the next time he takes a swing at her, he should find himself, his clothes and his video equipment deposited unceremoniously on the sidewalk, if not arrested. No one should live in fear from an ungrateful child. At 23, there are people who are married, have kids, have jobs -- he's still acting like he's 14 years old, and he has wasted five years of his mother's time and money "going to school". No one "forgets" to register. My guess is that he flunked out and couldn't register. FIVE years working on an unfinished 2-year degree, not employed, and couldn't even finish a lousy associates degree? He gives a whole new meaning to the term "Biggest Loser". He had his chance and his opportunities. He's an adult now, and he's wasted them. Time for him to find out just how cold and cruel the world can be to uneducated, unskilled losers. Maybe he'll wake up one day and realize he needs to get his s**t together. Or not. His choice.
I agree with all this.
OP, I hate to tell you this but I wouldn't waste a lot of time and energy trying to intervene in this. I would also work on accepting that your mom is going to do things that will infuriate you regarding your brother - if you let them.
I would be firm with your mom if I were you. She knows she is allowing abuse. She knows your brother is a cruel and irresponsible loser. SHE KNOWS THIS. And yet she continues to enable him - and she continues to rely on you for actual common sense. As she gets older, she will need you more and more. You need to get your head around the reality that while she will want to rely on you more and more, she will probably never stop enabling your brother. So if you don't want to be treated very unfairly and be emotionally exhausted by her drama by the time she's in her sixties or seventies or beyond, I think you need to make some decisions right now.
One of them that I recommend is this - tell your mom that unless she is going to listen to and apply your advice, you don't want to hear about all her drama with your brother. You're getting all this dramatic information from someone (I assume you don't live with your mom and brother - do you?). Why let this negative information and drama prey on your mind and weigh you down when your mom won't apply any common sense or any of your advice to the situation?
Your mom honestly needs counseling for abused wives. I know she doesn't have an abusive husband anymore but she still living in that 'abused wife' state of mind. She's accepting and enabling your brothers behavior and he's using that to manipulate her. She's not going to change until she gains some self esteem and is strong enough to set some boundaries for herself and your brother isn't going to change until mom has the strength to.
Right - and the daughter cannot give her the counseling and subsequent self worth she needs to get out of this abusive relationship. The daughter is too close to the fire.
Ask me how I know this. Well, never mind but take my word for it. I wasted a lot of years and emotional energy trying to help in a situation between my parents and my youngest brother. I actually thought for awhile that I had succeeded and made a positive difference but in retrospect I don't think that was the case at all. I think I just ended up being emotionally drained for decades.
Meanwhile 80 percent of my energy was going to people who didn't really appreciate it, and the BEST people in my life were getting my left overs. That's not fair to anyone.
You need to have a sir down conversation with your mother and tell her your concerns. Maybe you have already said, but do you live close by? Maybe you can take her lunch as discuss things. Where do you live? Can she move in with you while she gets her life in order and your brother can figure out where he is going to live. He's an adult. Time to act like one!
Unfortunately only your mother can end this. You can scream, yell and threaten your worthless brother all you want but until she develops a backbone nothing will change. This all started with the way she raised him and now he expects her to continue to coddle him the rest of his life. She has to be the one to put him in his place but it doesn't sound like that'll ever happen. The best you can do is monitor the situation to make sure it doesn't get worse. I expect it will but I hope not.
Unfortunately only your mother can end this. You can scream, yell and threaten your worthless brother all you want but until she develops a backbone nothing will change. This all started with the way she raised him and now he expects her to continue to coddle him the rest of his life. She has to be the one to put him in his place but it doesn't sound like that'll ever happen. The best you can do is monitor the situation to make sure it doesn't get worse. I expect it will but I hope not.
And I'll add that honestly, OP, you need to monitor it from some distance. Do not allow yourself to be dragged down into daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, a lifetime of dysfunction.
It is possible that your brother is merely a psychopath taking advantage of a situation, but consider that your brother's behavior may stem from clinical depression, if not other mental illness. This would explain his lack of drive, pathological escapism, and even violent outbursts.
Regardless, he needs to see a mental health professional before he hurts someone or himself.
I really don't think there is much you can do. Your mom has to get tired of it and give him swift kick in the butt. The best thing you can do is save yourself the distress of seeing it for now. Chances are, she will get there, or he will want to be a grown up and things will go on from there. I would avoid the drama. My mom and brother did the same thing. He finally moved out and got his own life and 10 years later is supporting her. I am avoiding the whole thing.
Not sure if you mentioned whether your Mom is renting, paying a mortgage or has a paid up house. Either way, the only solution is for her to sell the house or not renew her lease and then move in with you. This allows a relatively clean break from the Son. If she feels guilty, she can continue to make the son's truck payments, but he will be forced to come up with a housing solution. She can even sell this as a necessary evil given her current employment issues and not as a mechanism to break from the Son. At a later point (a few years?), the Son will have a new normal and she could consider breaking back out on her own, assuming the employment issues subside. In the meantime it allows your Mother to help get her finances in order.
Several posters have commented that your mother apparently feels the need to be mistreated/abused and your brother is fulfilling this need. I agree totally.
And I also agree that you cant do anything about the situation. It's up to your mom to make the changes necessary to improve the quality of her life. And I doubt she'll do that unless she can overcome whatever has made her feel unworthy of being treated with respect and common decency.
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