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I'm going to side with your extended family on this one. Maybe you've forgotten, but it's far, far more challenging (in terms of cost, logistics, and sheer effort) for a family with children to travel than it is for a pair of retired adults to travel.
Really! I didn't know that. NOT! While the first three of my children were young I was in the military and moved my family from coast to coast and pillar to post. Plus both my wife and I grew up in the military so we certainly knew what it was like to travel as children.
Perhaps you missed the part about age coupled with medical problems and physical limitations. If it was realistic we'd be glad to travel more. It's just no longer feasible.
Last edited by Curmudgeon; 03-16-2017 at 03:40 PM..
Assuming California means LAX, you can hop on Spirit at DFW for $115 round trip. It's a warm weather place so you can just fly with just your personal item and avoid all their fees. Or pick your days on Southwest and you can get there for sub-$160 round trip or less if there's a fare sale. ...or take one of the majors for $200 to $300 well in advance. For $115, you can blow into town solo for a weekend a few times per year if you feel so inclined. Leave the hubbie home with the rug rats.
I bet if you lived near the beach in a warm climate, you'd have to be turning all of the visitors away.
I built a new house and in 18 years, only one of my three siblings, and my father visited during that time. The other two were starting families but otherwise couldn't be bothered.
Go once a year for a day or two longer IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT. If not, use Skype or Oovoo and have tele-visits sometimes.
I bet if you lived near the beach in a warm climate, you'd have to be turning all of the visitors away.
I built a new house and in 18 years, only one of my three siblings, and my father visited during that time. The other two were starting families but otherwise couldn't be bothered.
Go once a year for a day or two longer IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT. If not, use Skype or Oovoo and have tele-visits sometimes.
There's truth to this, the years we lived in South Florida brought a steady stream of company to visit. It's been quieter since we moved to GA. Have you issued actual invitations to your siblings?
OP, no, it isn't your responsibility to always return. If you want to see your family, why not suggest a reunion somewhere in the middle? If the interest in remaining close is there, they'll meet you halfway.
It's been 16 years for us. We've been back 6-7 times. We've had 2 relatives come 2X each for a few days each time. One other time a friend came for a few days. That's it, despite numerous invites from us.
One time my cousin, who I was really close to at one time, came to our state to visit a friend of hers in a nearby city. She wanted me to go there to see her, but it's a 2.5 hr trip, my little old car was not up for the trip. But she wouldn't come my way for a visit either. I have been to see her every time we've gone "home", however.
So, I don't know. I think in my case there's some resentment on their side for my moving away. I used to feel guilty, but I'd like to think I've moved beyond that.
I don't think it should be all on you to go back for visits. Make yourself open to them coming your way, maybe they will.
I moved out of my home state nearly 2 years ago. It's a 3 hour plane ride and I myself have made the trip back 4 times already and have taken my kids 3 times. I knew when I moved that I would most likely shoulder most of the burden of travel since my own family of origin is stubborn and my mother isn't able to travel much these days but.....
The thing is, I am already tired of it being ME who has to spend copious amounts of money, arrange our schedule and deal with the hassles of traveling. NO ONE in my own family has come to visit us once. NO ONE has expressed any real interest in visiting us. Granted, our move wasn't exactly a favored one from my family's point of view but I had hoped that nearly 2 years in they would have some sort of inkling to see the life we've created here and want to share with them.
My husband's family is totally different; my FIL has been out 3 times, my SIL and her family 3 times and my MIL now lives here.
A conversation that I had with my father as he was driving us to the airport was illuminating because he told me that he "thinks" that my siblings feel as if since I'm the one who moved that I am the one who should always travel back. Is that the way it is supposed to be? Should the ones who've moved away shoulder that burden? Am I responsible for always having to come back to see everyone just because I was wanting a better life in another state and didn't ever want to live off my parent's money?
My situation is a bit different because I'm military. I joined knowing that my family wasn't well-off enough to travel to see me much, if at all, anywhere that I might be stationed, so the burden of visiting would probably be on me. I've been in fifteen years, and so has my husband. (We're from different parts of the U.S. and met in the service.) Even despite a lack of funds, our parents have managed at least one visit out to us at almost every duty station, and we've taken time to visit when we could. Then, when we were stationed in my home state, we visited my family probably four times for every once they came to see us, and it was only a three hour drive away. Still, that's understandable because of wear and tear on vehicles--we could afford it if ours wore a little faster, and ours were in better repair.
My siblings, on the other hand, never visited us, and we never made a special visit just to see them. My husband's brother and his family visited us here in Maryland, but I think it was at least in part because they'd have a free place to stay a majority of the time to cut down on costs. We had a pretty great vacation with them either way, staying three nights in D.C. over the 4th of July, traveling up to Philadelphia and NYC to stay a couple nights. It was more like our house was the way station. That was just a few years ago, and they'd never visited before. I'm sure if we wanted to visit the middle of nowhere Texas, they'd be willing to give us bunk space, so I don't mind too much. But there's just not a lot of desire among the siblings to visit each other.
I know it's frustrating to feel like you're the one always sacrificing to visit. Now we have two kids, so we haven't visited anyone by plane for years. Instead, if we can drive, we visit. If we can't, we invite the smaller family units (his parents, my mom and my dad and stepmom) to visit as long as they give prior notice. They visit about once per duty station, and then make comments about why we don't visit more often. Plane tickets are expensive, and they're not getting any cheaper (adjusted for inflation) as the years go by, and traveling with kids is stressful in and of itself. Until we no longer have kids to tag along with us, our plane trips are going to be kept to a minimum unless on the government's dime to get to a new duty station. Two tickets are cheaper than four, and we've even offered to pay for one while the parental couple pays for the other just to help our parents visit.
since I'm the one who moved that I am the one who should always travel back. Is that the way it is supposed to be?
No, when we moved to another state we invited everyone to come visit us. Those that didn't, we didn't bother to go visit them. End of gut-wrenching story. If you are the one who always has to take the initiative to reach out to them by visiting, then don't do it. They aren't worth it, because they simply don't care enough about you to make the trip to see you. I'm speaking about those who are able to do so, but decide not to.
You moved. You are an adult. You didn't abandon the clan.
I enjoy the trips, to a point. It's good to see my old friends and my husband's family, but I'm always reminded of why I'm glad that I left when I'm in the middle of my family dynamic again. It feels really good to be completely on our own; even with my MIL living here now we still act as if she doesn't because we've come to realize that relying upon ourselves makes us happier. She ends up being the one to babysit our kids, as we've gotten so used to being on our own.
Regarding my own parents, I doubt they will ever come to visit us. My father is fine to travel but my mother is not. They can well afford first class travel and my father would make sure my mother is fully accommodated by any airline; she's disabled, can walk, but things are hard for her, so airplane travel would be very difficult. Although, I have some trouble dealing with that, as my parents travel 4-5 hours by car to the family vacation house in Mexico on a fairly regular basis. I know that air travel is obviously different than car travel but I'm hopeful that my mom would be well enough to eventually travel to see us out here.
Sorry to tell you the truth. You aren't important enough to them to be bothered and since you are always coming out there, why should they make the effort. Tell them they are invited, because you aren't coming back out again and it is their turn to come visit. If they don't want to do it and you feel they could, that will be your answer.
Just because they are family doesn't mean they have the right to treat you like crap. If these were simply friends they wouldn't do this. In fact, family should treat you BETTER than anyone else, right?
Is it my responsibilty to always come back to visit?
In a manner of speaking, yes. You're the one who left. The rest of your family probably figures that they shouldn't have to chase after you to visit, and to an extent I agree with them.
This is entirely dysfunctional. In no matter of speaking this person "left" the family, just moved elsewhere. It is the family that left the OP.
No one in my family has visited me since I left the state, nor do they ever plan on doing so. They stopped guilting me into coming back to visit more often after the first couple of years. You are right that it's expensive and for me to visit would cost more than for them to visit me because I have a place for people to stay and a car I can use to take them around. When I fly home I have to pay for a hotel and rental car and a dog sitter for our two dogs since my husband goes with me too (he's from the same area).
If I am going to spend all that money I'm going somewhere that's worth visiting. I'm sure that sounds callous but the truth is I would never visit my hometown without actually having people to see (and let's not get into all the people who don't bother to make time in their schedules to even have a 1 hour lunch with me--their choice but less incentive for me to travel back). So I just go on other trips. People make comments but they can spend $150 (or less) on a round trip ticket and I've even offered to pay for peoples' airfare...no dice.
So no it doesn't have to be your responsibility. Don't visit if you can't/don't want to.
Oh, and another note: someone who said a tourist draw is right. I used to live in a touristy location and I did get to see some relatives who chose to vacation there (they didn't come to visit me, but since they were in town they did make time to see me for dinner or whatever). Now that I no longer live in a touristy area there is zero incentive for anyone to visit. It's interesting how apparently the one who moves away needs to provide "incentive" like a touristy area or warm weather to get visitors, apparently, spending time with your family member isn't incentive enough to get people to visit you. That works both ways doesn't it??
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While the first three of my children were young I was in the military and moved my family from coast to coast and pillar to post. Plus both my wife and I grew up in the military so we certainly knew what it was like to travel as children.
