My Future MIL...Eh / So-So (kinda long) (talks, wedding, inlaws)
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Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
3,487 posts, read 3,338,908 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63
OP may not be "angry" but she sure as hell is obsessed with them and their reactions considering it is so rare she actually see them. Whether it is anger or obsession, it is ENERGY. And when every other word is a curse word you certainly don't seem like a happy person.
So they are ALL narcissists? Yet your fiance somehow managed to escape unscathed? Be careful, OP...not to be a downer but maybe he has you snowed? Maybe he's not as damaged as the rest but I'd wager he has SOME issues.
My whole family has issues. Oldest sister is a narcissistic drug addict, brother is in jail. My younger sister has a tendency toward some issues our mother had. I'm the stable one in the family. There are those of us that do manage to break that destructive cycle.
Forever Blue, I say this respectfully: You seem to be spending a lot of psychic energy on hating your in-laws. Your anger at them is palpable. You say your fiance' is very different from them, which is a good thing. But I'm trying to figure out why you are so . . . angry. These don't seem to be people whose respect I would even want or value, so why are you angry at them? Your fiance' seems to have a handle on it, you don't have to interact with these people -- so why the anger? I have seldom seen so many perjorative adjectives in one post :-)
I understand that sometimes it's cathartic just to rant, and goodness knows, we all do it -- but you've known these people for years, so at some point, ranting is simply reopening old wounds, pouring salt in them, and then screaming because the salt stings.
I agree with this poster.
OP....Your vent has me thinking you have a lot of issues, whether you own them or not.
Family is important but it is bad to spend your effort and energy on people who are bad for you. Your family needs to step up and "adopt" your fiance and make him feel welcome.
My dad comes from a very big dysfunctional family. Aside from two of his brothers who moved thousands of miles away when they turned 18 and I rarely met, the rest of the family has all sorts of problems. While my dad was overseas in the military (Vietnam era) his father died and the whole family collapsed. His mother started manipulating the kids and the kids started getting into serious trouble.
When my dad married my mom, her family welcomed him enthusiastically. His brother-in-laws became like brothers and my grandmother treated him like a son. After his mother said and did some very nasty things to him when I was a young child, my dad essentially cut them off and spent his time and energy being part of the family that welcomed him and cares for him. In a perfect world we would have had a great relationship with both sets of relatives but it didn't work out that way, so no one loses sleep over it anymore.
My whole family has issues. Oldest sister is a narcissistic drug addict, brother is in jail. My younger sister has a tendency toward some issues our mother had. I'm the stable one in the family. There are those of us that do manage to break that destructive cycle.
Hahah - I know what you mean. When I was in "family therapy" as a teenager the therapist looked at my bottle of Mt. Dew and asked me what was in it. I had no idea what he meant - he was implying I must be an alcoholic given my family.
Well, I certainly was the most stable - but people pick up bad habits by continually flying under the radar and trying to be "the good one". In later years those same habits can set you up for unhealthy relationship dynamics. To me, a lot of mental illness I see seems pretty normal or something to shrug off - most would never put up with it - to me they're just wimps. Now, is that 100% healthy - nope.
There is so much intensity in your feelings. I think you might be happier if you did some therapy to process it. Something more is below the intensity of feelings. Lots of us have terrible in-laws...and some of them did actual stuff to us. I don't care if you think you are calm when you describe them...there is a deep anger and intensity. If you want to shed it, and be happier, consider working on processing it and being more open to where that takes you.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
3,487 posts, read 3,338,908 times
Reputation: 9913
Might the OP have so much anger toward her future FIL because she knows all the crap he did to someone she loves? That's how I read it. Doesn't mean she dwells on it constantly. She vented on here and is getting trashed for venting.
One thing I'll never do is vent on a forum, you open yourself up to all the armchair psychologists.....
Might the OP have so much anger toward her future FIL because she knows all the crap he did to someone she loves? That's how I read it. Doesn't mean she dwells on it constantly. She vented on here and is getting trashed for venting.
One thing I'll never do is vent on a forum, you open yourself up to all the armchair psychologists.....
Just because people tell you that you sound angry and might be helped by processing it, doesn't mean they are being armchair psychologists. It is just people responding to what they are seeing.
Family is important but it is bad to spend your effort and energy on people who are bad for you. Your family needs to step up and "adopt" your fiance and make him feel welcome.
My dad comes from a very big dysfunctional family. Aside from two of his brothers who moved thousands of miles away when they turned 18 and I rarely met, the rest of the family has all sorts of problems. While my dad was overseas in the military (Vietnam era) his father died and the whole family collapsed. His mother started manipulating the kids and the kids started getting into serious trouble.
When my dad married my mom, her family welcomed him enthusiastically. His brother-in-laws became like brothers and my grandmother treated him like a son. After his mother said and did some very nasty things to him when I was a young child, my dad essentially cut them off and spent his time and energy being part of the family that welcomed him and cares for him. In a perfect world we would have had a great relationship with both sets of relatives but it didn't work out that way, so no one loses sleep over it anymore.
Your dad was very fortunate that your mom's family was so wonderful!
I'm not really asking for advice, just telling how things are & if you want to input anything, feel free.
So the back story as briefly as possible:
Fiance's mom - Early 60s, weakest, no backbone woman you'll ever know. Definitely NOT the sharpest knife in the drawer. Stayed w/ loser, cheating, narcissistic, controlling (& much more) dad for 24 yrs too long...the amt of time they were married before she finally got fed up. Enables her other adult kids' horrible behaviors. Will take everyone else's side over my fiance's because she favors them over him.Moderator cut: offensive Only calls him when she wants errands done, which he finally refused to do anymore.
My fiance' is the black sheep of his fam, but in a VERY GOOD way. He's absolutely nothing like any of them. They screw up & haveModerator cut: bleep lives, but because there's more of them than my him, they blow over their behaviors & front like they're doing fabulously.
I've known my fiance's mom for 19 yrs, but we don't know ea other well due to me not being around much due to how her fam's treated me (ignore me like the wallpaper the rare get-togethers I am there). I have great qualities that any mother would be proud to have dating their son (not to toot my own horn).
Well, about a yr ago, my fiance's always-been ultra b!#¢hy sis did something that was the last straw to HIM, so he sat her & their mom down to discuss it. During the convo, his (alcoholic, druggie, low-class, two-faced) sis, who's less familiar w/ me than their mom, says about ME that she's "not here for the hand-holding" when my fiance' confronted her about why she's not nicer to me the rare times I come over for get-togethers. The equally worse part is, their mom sat right there when she said this & didn't say squat. That got my fiance' furious & he yelled at his sis & is very hurt my his mom.
I'll stay nice to future MIL, but I could care less about his 3 siblings as they don't care about me because they're narcissistic, ZERO-moraled,Moderator cut: bleep who only care about their immediate friends & use others who they can benefit from. I guess I'll still get her a little gift during Christmastimes like I've been doing.
I'm sure there's many of you guys who don't care for your in-laws either.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
3,487 posts, read 3,338,908 times
Reputation: 9913
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
Just because people tell you that you sound angry and might be helped by processing it, doesn't mean they are being armchair psychologists. It is just people responding to what they are seeing.
But what's there to process? It didn't happen to her personally. Now if she was having problems because the FFIL was a <self censored> to her most of her life, then yes, professional help should be suggested.
Holy cow. She vented. I thought she was adding a bit of levity with all the adjectives.
I've seen plenty of people vent, some get crap, some get sympathy. More often than not, there's a mixture and a lot of it is not nice.
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