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One of my best friends we have been best friends for 17 years. When I went to college he went to the Navy. When he was done with the Navy, he came back changed.
A lot of emotional and mental issues (he grew up in an emotional and physically abusive home) seemed to emerge. His family and most of our friends abandoned him because he was difficult to deal with. He became addicted to drugs, was homeless, and played a victim mentality. He picked himself up and went to college and got a degree. Throughout that time he was still fighting addiction problems (primarily to marijuana). As he continued his battle, one by one people abandoned him. He became suicidal on several occasions.
I was one of the very few friends that stood by him and was there for him in those dark times and still am today. In the past year, he has stabilized more and is working to improve his life. He is seeking therapy and other ways to help himself. However, he still struggles with his addiction to marijuana and you can tell mentally he has issues. But he really is trying.
I am more than happy to be there for him and I have told him so. It's definitely a friendship where it's more where I give and he takes than a balanced one. Though, he's there for me when I need him and he's supportive of all my endeavors. It's just he has so many issues, that he really isn't capable of giving back to anyone. Which I was okay with as I know he really doesn't have anyone at all. My expectations from him are super low and I have accepted that it's never going to be a balanced friendship. So I definitely keep my distance and in that way, it doesn't really affect me. That's until recently.
A week ago I invited him to a friend's dinner party at the very last minute. He was feeling lonely that night and had nothing to do. He was excited to go. He told me he was going to smoke up right before the dinner. I told him I would prefer him not to, and if he gets high beforehand then I don't want him to come and I would take back the invitation. He became so defensive and offended by that and tried to argue with me. He called me a hypocrite (because I smoke up every once in a great while), and he told me that I was treating him like some kind of addict. I told him he would be my guest at the dinner party so he needs to respect my wishes and if he doesn't like it, then he doesn't have to go. I remained calm but he got very angry. He is now mad at me and won't respond to my texts.
With that being said, I am at a crossroads with him now. We have so much history in our friendship and he has been a good friend to me in the past. I also know how alone and troubled he is. But this incident really shows me what he is made of too. I wasn't asking for much at all. I then think back to all the times I have been there for him when no one else was, and in return I get him treating me like this? To him to also ignore me like this, when there were so many nights where he called me crying because he was depressed, suicidal, or struggling. But in return, I get this?
I don't plan on reaching out to him anymore, I sent him a few texts, all ignored. However, if he reaches out to me, I am not sure now how I would react. Part of me is saying that I have to be the bigger person than him due to his issues and really accept what the situation is. Another part of me is saying that I should then tell him of how selfish and ridiculous he is after this incident.
If he never responds to me again that's on him. I won't reach out to him anymore. I don't want to cut off the frienship, but at the same time I am not going to really fight for it if this is how he is going to behave.
Well what did you expect with someone like this who has had so many issues?To be honest, you waste so much of your time and energy being friends with people who refuse to stay stable or deal with their issues that it really doesn't matter how many times they've been there for you...it will NOT last ..they have issues, they will not react like a normal person.When someone has issues...stay far away from them until they have dealt with their stuff. You've said it yourself..this is a dysfunctional friendship...so why would you want to stay attached to that?Doesn't matter how many years you were his friend because obviously he's not thinking that way now is he??
Well what did you expect with someone like this who has had so many issues?To be honest, you waste so much of your time and energy being friends with people who refuse to stay stable or deal with their issues that it really doesn't matter how many times they've been there for you...it will NOT last ..they have issues, they will not react like a normal person.When someone has issues...stay far away from them until they have dealt with their stuff. You've said it yourself..this is a dysfunctional friendship...so why would you want to stay attached to that?Doesn't matter how many years you were his friend because obviously, he's not thinking that way now is he??
You're right, and I am realizing that now. I guess there is a reason all my friends decided to stop being friends with him. Part of my struggle is I know he is someone who is very alone and I am one of the few people he has. But if he really values our friendship he needs to act and show it.
You just have to cut ties. I ended a 28 year relationship with a friend about 5 years ago. It was a great weight off my shoulders. After that, I realized many of my high school friends were just drains, and I've slowly let them go too. At some point, you need to just be an adult and move on.
OP, addicts are very defensive. That's their nature. I've seen alcoholics verbally attack people who decline drinks at a party, for example. They imagine such people are making a personal statement against them. It's part of their illness. If he ever overcomes his addiction, he'll finally see that he was wrong in his treatment of you, but not until then.
You're right, and I am realizing that now. I guess there is a reason all my friends decided to stop being friends with him. Part of my struggle is I know he is someone who is very alone and I am one of the few people he has. But if he really values our friendship he needs to act and show it.
I wonder....if you stay firm with yourself and stop putting up with this behavior, it might force him into realizing what he's lost. If, as you say, you are the one who has stood by him through all of it, he may realize his defensive sulk has burnt his last bridge, and regret it. It could end up being exactly what he needs. He probably realized getting high before the dinner was a bad idea before you said it, so immediately jumped right to defense and deflection. He also knows you too well to be surprised by your advice.
Here's what I predict you can expect: you will hear from him when he needs you or is tired of being alone.
Make sure you are not being an enabler, or have been one. Only you know this. I am not criticizing you. It sounds as if you have been a friend to him when no one else was. But you might want to get straight in your own mind how you want your friendship to go. Do you want it to end? Do you still want to help him?
Decide for yourself what you want to do so you will know when he seeks your help again.
I am not sure there is an absolute right or wrong here. The fact that you have reached out to him, not the other way around, is interesting. To me it sounds as if you still have something invested in this relationship. Making these decisions are usually hard. So, take your time deciding.
I am more than happy to be there for him and I have told him so. It's definitely a friendship where it's more where I give and he takes than a balanced one. Though, he's there for me when I need him and he's supportive of all my endeavors. It's just he has so many issues, that he really isn't capable of giving back to anyone. Which I was okay with as I know he really doesn't have anyone at all. My expectations from him are super low and I have accepted that it's never going to be a balanced friendship. So I definitely keep my distance and in that way, it doesn't really affect me. That's until recently.
Dysfunctional is your term and you're right to use it.
How to continue a dysfunctional friendship? You've answered your own question – but do you want to do that?
You were asking quite a lot of an addict. You were within your rights to ask it, but his reaction is not at all surprising.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frimpter928
Part of me is saying that I have to be the bigger person than him due to his issues and really accept what the situation is.
This is different from "being the bigger person." This is putting up with crap.
You aren't friends with him. It's not him talking; it's the drugs. He is not himself because of his addiction and the resulting mental problems he has developed.
But you cannot fix him, even by being as patient as possible.
There are no romantic feelings involved here, are there? Or romantic history? If so, you need to cut ties completely.
I think you did an excellent job of setting up your personal borders and boundaries concerning the party attendance. You told him what your personal borders/boundaries were and he let you know that he wasn't interested in them. When dealing with Anyone, much less an addict or someone with emotional problems it is crucial to have personal boundaries and consequences for them if they are breached. As an addict he lacks personal boundaries of his own and finds himself unable to understand that others have theirs. His rage wasn't really directed at you, personally. Hurting people hurt people. You've been a good friend and can continue to be but the most productive thing you can do on his behalf if to let him make the first move. Don't chase the guy. And continue to be merciful. Remember that people can't give out what they don't have to give. Good luck.
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