How to continue a dysfunctional friendship (girlfriend, present, conversation, feel)
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I can’t remember what it’s called but there’s a version of Al-Anon for families/friends of drug addicts.
I think it’s great that you want to stand by your friend, but if you really want to help him, you need to understand that he is an addict, he makes decisions as an addict, his entire thought process is as an addict. If you truly want to help him, learn more about addiction and the kind of help he really needs. It might mean that you’re never really close again, but if it saves his life, so be it.
If the friendship ends from this point, know that it was his choice, not yours.
He might be feeling ashamed of how he responded and his pride will keep him from admitting it, so he will avoid you to escape facing the shame.
Perhaps you can let go of any negative feelings and appreciate that you acted as a good friend to someone. You were generous and kind. Your side of the street is clean in this relationship. There is nothing to regret there.
Our minds, in conflicts like this, sometimes want to put people into good guys vs. bad guys. But that isn't helpful here. He is a damaged person and this recent conflict revealed a deeper level of damage than you had been aware of. But it doesn't make him a bad person.
If he reaches out at some point, decide at that time how you want to respond, but otherwise there is nothing more you need to do, except allow yourself to grieve the loss of the parts of the friendship that you did value.
I think you did an excellent job of setting up your personal borders and boundaries concerning the party attendance. You told him what your personal borders/boundaries were and he let you know that he wasn't interested in them. When dealing with Anyone, much less an addict or someone with emotional problems it is crucial to have personal boundaries and consequences for them if they are breached. As an addict he lacks personal boundaries of his own and finds himself unable to understand that others have theirs. His rage wasn't really directed at you, personally. Hurting people hurt people. You've been a good friend and can continue to be but the most productive thing you can do on his behalf if to let him make the first move. Don't chase the guy. And continue to be merciful. Remember that people can't give out what they don't have to give. Good luck.
You're right, and I am realizing that now. I guess there is a reason all my friends decided to stop being friends with him. Part of my struggle is I know he is someone who is very alone and I am one of the few people he has. But if he really values our friendship he needs to act and show it.
As far as canceling the invitation, I believe you did the right thing. I'm sure this is difficult for you both and I have compassion for those who are troubled in any way. (Let's face it, no one is perfect).
Unsure of the extent of his addictions, but it would be helpful if he were in a recovery program where he would have support and could change his life. Otherwise, being in a mental health group-support setting. It appears that many have been helped by A A and other addiction programs (one only having to "admit they are powerless", which some don't want to do). I am familiar, having known some in program.
It may strengthen your relationship or it may change it as he finds other support while recovering. Hope something beneficial works out.
Last edited by In2itive_1; 12-12-2017 at 11:40 PM..
Reason: Addition, adjustment.
One of my best friends we have been best friends for 17 years. When I went to college he went to the Navy. When he was done with the Navy, he came back changed.
A lot of emotional and mental issues (he grew up in an emotional and physically abusive home) seemed to emerge. His family and most of our friends abandoned him because he was difficult to deal with. He became addicted to drugs, was homeless, and played a victim mentality. He picked himself up and went to college and got a degree. Throughout that time he was still fighting addiction problems (primarily to marijuana). As he continued his battle, one by one people abandoned him. He became suicidal on several occasions.
I was one of the very few friends that stood by him and was there for him in those dark times and still am today. In the past year, he has stabilized more and is working to improve his life. He is seeking therapy and other ways to help himself. However, he still struggles with his addiction to marijuana and you can tell mentally he has issues. But he really is trying.
I am more than happy to be there for him and I have told him so. It's definitely a friendship where it's more where I give and he takes than a balanced one. Though, he's there for me when I need him and he's supportive of all my endeavors. It's just he has so many issues, that he really isn't capable of giving back to anyone. Which I was okay with as I know he really doesn't have anyone at all. My expectations from him are super low and I have accepted that it's never going to be a balanced friendship. So I definitely keep my distance and in that way, it doesn't really affect me. That's until recently.
A week ago I invited him to a friend's dinner party at the very last minute. He was feeling lonely that night and had nothing to do. He was excited to go. He told me he was going to smoke up right before the dinner. I told him I would prefer him not to, and if he gets high beforehand then I don't want him to come and I would take back the invitation. He became so defensive and offended by that and tried to argue with me. He called me a hypocrite (because I smoke up every once in a great while), and he told me that I was treating him like some kind of addict. I told him he would be my guest at the dinner party so he needs to respect my wishes and if he doesn't like it, then he doesn't have to go. I remained calm but he got very angry. He is now mad at me and won't respond to my texts.
With that being said, I am at a crossroads with him now. We have so much history in our friendship and he has been a good friend to me in the past. I also know how alone and troubled he is. But this incident really shows me what he is made of too. I wasn't asking for much at all. I then think back to all the times I have been there for him when no one else was, and in return I get him treating me like this? To him to also ignore me like this, when there were so many nights where he called me crying because he was depressed, suicidal, or struggling. But in return, I get this?
I don't plan on reaching out to him anymore, I sent him a few texts, all ignored. However, if he reaches out to me, I am not sure now how I would react. Part of me is saying that I have to be the bigger person than him due to his issues and really accept what the situation is. Another part of me is saying that I should then tell him of how selfish and ridiculous he is after this incident.
If he never responds to me again that's on him. I won't reach out to him anymore. I don't want to cut off the frienship, but at the same time I am not going to really fight for it if this is how he is going to behave.
I have a lot of friends who are somewhat dysfunctional. I grew up in a dysfunctional home, so that's not surprising. I've got a buddy in prison who I consider a good friend, and I've got people in my life I know have untreated mental health issues that are fairly severe.
Perhaps somewhat hypocritically, I've cut my mother off because she refuses to acknowledge her problems or seek treatment and tries to involve me in her dysfunction. I find my friends who are often far more screwed up than she is to be less stressful to be around because I've set up good boundaries and do not allow them to involve me in their dramas.
Your friend doesn't sound like a bad person, just annoying. It's the nature of addicts.
Keep your expectations low, but don't budge on your boundaries.
Your friend has problems, but he is your friend, accept him as is.
Sounds like a pothead, but it might be better than a drunk or heroin junkie? When he told you he is going to smoke up, for the dinner invitation, maybe you should have not said anything? There is a thing called a functional addict, where the mood is not right,unless they are high. Were you worried he would have caused a scene,or raised eyebrow being high? What happens to him when he is?
Friends don't expect each other to be critical. I already know where I can bring friends to. All those issues he has, could be from something else, like poor social skills, or some mental condition. If my friend is a loner, so be it. I can't save him or save the world. I can't expect a friend to be what he is not. If you are not cool with your friend, keep distance from each other. Friends fade away as we age, it's ok to move on.
You have become his enabler emotionally. You should back off and limit your help to giving him a ride to treatment, or assisting him in continuing his sobriety. It sounds like you have become his crutch.
There is a very fine line when you become the sole emotional support for someone with his history. It is often hard to judge where that line should end when you have become so enmeshed in his dysfunction. Your heart wants to save him, so it colors your judgement in interactions with him....This is allowing him to continue to be dysfunctional because you in his mind will always rescue him....So, he doesn't have to rescue himself.
You need to back off.....sit limits like you did re: the party. That was likely the first time that you had made a demand related to his addiction. It actually was a good start.
Now his reaction is because he is not actively fighting his addiction....He may want to, but he has a side of himself that gives in and the fact that he blatantly told you that he was going to use before your party tells me that he thinks that was ok.....that your boundaries have not included non support when he smokes.
Now, you set your boundaries....keep them.....Do not keep texting him. It is manipulation for him not to answer you. He wants you panicked and worried so that you turn this around and think it is your fault. Seriously, you are playing right into his addiction and the more concern and texting that you send the more he is playing this....
Get yourself to a NA meeting, and ask about support for family and friends of addicts. These folks will give you the truth, about the manipulation and dysfunction that you are involved in with this guy. It will save your life and your emotions to educate yourself and will help him face the truth.
These are a few links that I found using the terms "How to avoid being manipulated by addictive friend" (links below) and "Boundaries with an addict" (links at bottom). Some are links to organizations, but all have resources links....there are other sites online as well...Research and educate yourself. Pay special attention to boundaries....it is critical for your own emotional health.
Cut him off. The drama of this sort of person takes energy from your life. I cut off an addict / friend several years ago and just last week she called out of the blue and was defensive, then texted me a nasty message.
I ignored her text.
I chose not to have the space in my life for dysfunctional friends...move on, and don't feel guilty.
Mrs5150 got rid of three toxic relationships a few years back. It’s been wonderful for her. Take her advice. You’re better off without this person in your life.
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