Fear of dogs ettiquette (husband, member, children, sister)
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I know of a few people, mostly children and a few adults who are afraid of dogs. It's not a big deal really...until they are at my house and want my dog put away. This has happened a few times mainly in the summer time. We've had cook outs a few times in the summer and my parents will be there along with a friend of my mom's and my mom always tells her to bring her daughter and her 4 kids who live close by. 2 of the 4 kids are afraid of the dog, one is very afraid to the point of crying.of the dog too.
(snip)
"We've had cook outs a few times in the summer and my parents will be there along with a friend of my mom's and my mom always tells her to bring her daughter and her 4 kids who live close by."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whatsnext75
Being invited doesnt matter! She knows we have a dog, she knows her kid cried and freaks out when she sees him. He isnt put away immediately...there is crying that goes on for a good 10 min each time...yet she keeps coming back. She doenst think maybe by now we are put out and annoyed? And my mother and i are not calling her emailing her with an invite. It's her own mother saying, hey I'll be at so and sos again you should come by with the kids.
Again I wouldnt care about their presence...but they are becoming a holes (there's a hateful word for ya) to keep coming back. No one wants to get to the point where they need to uninvite someone, it's awkward. Im handling by standing firm with mom and dh that next time the dog is staying in the yard. Then we or they will take it from there.
In your very first post you said that your mother told her friend to invite her daughter and grandchildren. In fact. you said she "always" tells her friend to invite them. So your title should have been "I have a problem with my mother inviting strangers to my parties" and not "fear of dog etiquette".
Is your mother still "always" telling her friend to invite her daughter and grandchildren? Or, perhaps, by now they are just assuming that they are invited to come to every single party that their mother is invited to attend. But, it is still up to you to tell your mother to tell her friend that her daughter and grandchildren are not invited to future parties.
Or, perhaps tell your mom that she can not invite her friend anymore, or even tell her the date that you are hosting future BBQs.
The bottom line is that this is more of a mother & daughter problem than a fear of dogs problem. Why are you so afraid to discuss this issue with your mother?
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-25-2017 at 07:52 AM..
You can handle it any way you want, but by your own admission you don't like these people and you and your husband are not even the ones inviting them. The problem would be solved - well, MULTIPLE problems would be solved, starting with getting your mother and her friend more in line - by simply saying, "Don't invite other people to my BBQ."
Being invited doesnt matter! She knows we have a dog, she knows her kid cried and freaks out when she sees him. He isnt put away immediately...there is crying that goes on for a good 10 min each time...yet she keeps coming back. She doenst think maybe by now we are put out and annoyed? And my mother and i are not calling her emailing her with an invite. It's her own mother saying, hey I'll be at so and sos again you should come by with the kids.
Again I wouldnt care about their presence...but they are becoming a holes (there's a hateful word for ya) to keep coming back. No one wants to get to the point where they need to uninvite someone, it's awkward. Im handling by standing firm with mom and dh that next time the dog is staying in the yard. Then we or they will take it from there.
Is there some reason you keep dodging the suggestions to not let these folks onto your property if you don't want them there? FYI it will be stressful for your dog to be around a screaming child.
Being invited doesnt matter! She knows we have a dog, she knows her kid cried and freaks out when she sees him. He isnt put away immediately...there is crying that goes on for a good 10 min each time...yet she keeps coming back. She doenst think maybe by now we are put out and annoyed? And my mother and i are not calling her emailing her with an invite. It's her own mother saying, hey I'll be at so and sos again you should come by with the kids.
Again I wouldnt care about their presence...but they are becoming a holes (there's a hateful word for ya) to keep coming back. No one wants to get to the point where they need to uninvite someone, it's awkward. Im handling by standing firm with mom and dh that next time the dog is staying in the yard. Then we or they will take it from there.
So you would rather have these people coming to your home than deal with the "awkwardness " of just disinviting them? Color me confused especially since this upsets you so.
There are some dog owners who have no problem putting their dog away. Since you did it all the time and said nothing to her about it, she has no reason to think there is a problem.
Since you now say that it is this guest's mother who invites her, you can make it clear that extra people are not invited. What you are proposing to do may or may not work. Fact is this entire situation could have been resolved long ago with a simple conversation.
So don't allow people who lack manners onto your property.
Look, there are all sorts of weird , unmannerly people out there. You can't change them - but you can control who comes to your house for a BBQ. Can you see the truth to that?
Unfortunately, I don't think she'll ever see the truth to that. It's easier to blame someone else outside her family than blame herself for not having the guts to stick up for herself, or set boundaries like she should. Easier to sit on her high horse and look down on a young mother, than confront her own mother's rude and inconsiderate behavior.
Our of curiosity, I asked my husband who has not read all of this - what would he do if a person was at our house and scared of our dog. He said "I'd put her in the guest room, I'm not an ********".
Our dog and cat are our buddies and we're huge animal lovers, this is nothing to do with how much we care for them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
The dog isn't the problem, the four year old isn't the problem, the other mother isn't the problem - the OP's inability to enforce healthy boundaries with her mother is the problem.
Yes, this is exactly the heart of the problem. The Op is transferring her anger onto the child, because she doesn't have it in her to set boundaries with her mother.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catgirl64
You have called this little girl all kinds of hateful names on here, yet you still haven't given any indication that you have addressed the real problem: the fact that your mother is inviting people to your home without your permission.
Yes, spazz, brat, etc are hateful. It's clear you don't like the child. Yet you allow your mother to invite them over. This is the problem, not the child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whatsnext75
It's also ridiculous that myself and my mother are being blamed for the whole darn thing. At the end of the day it's the mother of the child's fault for continuing to bring her to a place that scares her. The mother is lacking in manners. My guess is her kids will and are growing up to be the same way.
No, just no. You are denying your own agency in this issue, when you are the only one with the problem.
Dog fear is not a nice way to grow up, I know - I was bitten by a dog when I was 4 and was scared of them until I was an adult. I now work in a shelter training them, so it's not like it's impossible to overcome that fear. But that is an issue for the parents of the 4 year old to deal with.
Unfortunately, I don't think she'll ever see the truth to that. It's easier to blame someone else outside her family than blame herself for not having the guts to stick up for herself, or set boundaries like she should. Easier to sit on her high horse and look down on a young mother, than confront her own mother's rude and inconsiderate behavior.
I do put the dog away when they visit. That's my whole point. I don't think i should have to anymore. I think they are the ones who know the dog is there and they should either deal with the dog or not come.
That's what I do.
Most dogs make me very nervous and I dislike nearly all of them. I understand that for some reason people like these animals, and that these animals are habituated to expect that all new humans want to be rubbed against with dog odor, coated with dog saliva, jumped on, and otherwise have close contact. I find it nauseating, but most people do not. I can be fairly comfortable with all dogs that never come near me, but the animals have no idea anyone would feel that way.
The animals did not design the situation. The owners did, and they had every right to set up their home as they please. I do not understand this, but I have no rights there except to leave. If the owner will permit me to use my knee to prevent the animals from leaping on me, and to use a foot to gently steer the animals away (I don't have any desire to hurt them), then I can get through this. Privately, the minute someone's dog jumps on me, my opinion of that person drops pretty far.
I just try to keep it together and compromise to get through the visit. If the owner is a 'if you don't like my dogs you don't like me' person, then I'm glad to leave, with no hard feelings, or at least not to return. I have no expectation that the owner will do anything to make me more comfortable. Some do, and I am grateful for that, but it's never an expectation. Each time I have a bad dog experience, I just dislike the creatures (and those of their owners who overly venerate and pamper them) a little more than before.
So no, you don't have to put your dog away for anyone. I agree with you. If they are that bothered by the dog, they should not come. They certainly should not bring a child there if the child is that stressed by the dog.
Our of curiosity, I asked my husband who has not read all of this - what would he do if a person was at our house and scared of our dog. He said "I'd put her in the guest room, I'm not an [donkey hole].
Exactly. To me, this overrides the idea of "it's my house I can do what I want." OF COURSE it's your house and you can do what you want, but that doesn't make it a decent thing to do. To expect a human being to accept a lower position on the totem pole than a dang-blanged DOG (or cat either), regardless of the fact that it's your pet, is just about the most insulting thing you can do to a person. That "it's my house I can do what I want" means you make up just about any rule you wanted to, you could make it a condition of entrance into your home that you have the freedom to call your house guests 4-letter words and you could require them to wear a purple baseball cap made with yard from the planet Zuru or something, because it's your house after all and you make the mortgage payments and all, but that doesn't mean it isn't ridiculous. This is the same thing. Even those of us who love having our own space and calling it our own nonetheless are decent enough human beings to make guests feel welcome vs making them have to accept a subservient position to a freaking DOG of all things.
In past times it was almost a universal standard (at least in my observation) that it was the biggest insult possible to be on a lower priority than someone's pet, it meant that they didn't think anything of you at all and in the worst possible way. This was (again in my observation) almost a universal standard, and it seems in the ensuing years much of society has fallen off the cliff of common sense into the valley of the loony tunes. Remember in "Seinfeld" when Elaine was dating a guy who loved his cats and she was allergic to them and she gave an ultimatum and when he chose the cats George & Jerry were astounded to the point that Jerry said "that's got to be pretty bad, losing out to a cat." Exactly.
Besides that, again, I also get tired of people not spelling things out clearly but instead expecting people to "take a hint" and to know not to bother them anymore based on "cues" and "hints" etc vs spelling things out. That's a chicken {spit} way to be about such things in my view. SPELL IT OUT. If you're too chicken to speak up, that's YOUR fault, not the other person's fault for not "taking a hint" etc.
Last edited by shyguylh; 04-25-2017 at 08:52 AM..
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