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One of my college roommates and her 2 brothers never married. So not only are there no kids but no nieces or nephews. Their father died back in the 80s and about 10 years later, their mother moved in with my friend. Her mother was well off so it wasn't like it was a financial burden to my friend.
As we aged, I often wondered what would happen with her and her brothers. A few years back, my friend and her mother moved out west to the state where her mother grew up. The intention was for them to reconnect with extended family. When my friend told me why she moved, I knew it was her way of trying to be sure that when she aged, there would be people looking out for her. It's good to know that there is at least one person who would be aware if my friend started to fail, either physically or mentally.
My great-aunt (grandmother's sister) was married but never had kids. She and her husband rented an apartment in the multi-family building that my grandparents owned. My great-aunt was like a second mother to my mother and her siblings. When great-aunt was widowed, they all looked out for her and when she was failing physically, they made sure that she got the care that was needed.
As we age, it's good to make some connections---not because we expect someone to be taking care of us every day but to be there to notice if we start to fail. A good friend could be told what arrangements you have made should that moment come (mental or physical failure).
I, too had a small, but very close and inclusive, group of friends in my middle age but by a fluke of fate they died early deaths. Others moved eventually. I'm gradually accepting the fact that I may not be able to recreate that good time of my life again.
Don't be so quick to say that! I, too, lost my friends in a way: to LTR's where they don't go out much. But Meetup saved my social life like you wouldn't believe. I have a lot of fun every weekend: from mellow no-alcohol board game nights, to a New Year party I didn't remember next morning, and everything in-between.
Heck, if it weren't for Meetup, I'd probably just settle down with the next available woman, and be done with it. At least then I'd fit in with my friends, rather than become "that guy".
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 04-25-2017 at 01:02 PM..
My two best friends and I are pretty much single women in our 40s. We are what could be considered "relationship-avoidant", mainly because we are kind of loners when you get right down to it. Two of us prefer the company of our pets and the other is a fan of solo travel. I've got my dogs and my books and my writing.
We probably don't qualify as "loners" in the sense that we have been best friends for going on 30 years and have carefully cultivated networks of friends, many of whom we make a point to introduce to the other besties. For example, when I moved 1700 miles away, friends from another part of my life stepped in and filled my absence by bonding with my two best friends. It's been really great how that worked out.
But when our parents die we will be mostly on our own. I'm an only child, but I have cousins I am close to. That said, my friends will be my primary family when that happens.
Make friends with whoever you have something in common with and whoever you meet with qualities that you admire. I'm 40. Some of my friends are 25 and some are 70. I fully expect to help the older ones out as they age and can't do things for themselves as easily. I do NOT make friends with the expectation of getting free rides in the future, but I am aware I am cultivating a support system as well as a network of friends. When I had to put my dog down far too young a couple weeks ago, I was amazed by the amount of support I had from friends and by the degree to which my friends were mourning my dog. Seriously, I literally had friends who were sobbing over his passing. It has eased some of the bleakness and sadness. Still a gutpunch, but somewhat less.
Friendship is WORK though, even if it's pleasant work. In my new city, I am quick to offer to petsit, to help out when friends are sick, to check in on someone who's depressed. When friends in my hometown are going through stuff, I send notes in funny cards and call regularly. I regularly go through my facebook friends list and consider who I have not touched base with. I treat my friends network much as I do my professional network - making introductions between people who should know each other, touching base when I can, asking questions about their lives. It's not stuff that comes naturally to me, but I try really hard to treat the people in my social network with the consideration and attention that I would be glad to get.
It is wise to have a social network when you are an "adult orphan"
I truly enjoyed this post and would have loved to have had you as a friend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatzPaw
This is something that can be easier said than done – especially when someone finds themselves at retirement age. They may have worked all their lives and still end up with little.
Regardless of what OP's financial situation may be, at its root, this post is about being alone in older age. All the money in the world doesn't fix lonely if one feels that way.
And let's not go down the "they should have planned better" road. It may be a discussion for people who are much younger to prepare for their future, but for someone who is already "there" – it's useless and, yes, shaming – even unintentionally.
My thoughts exactly. I think it is intentional sometimes. A way of saying, "look how well I have done and look at you, loser......".
Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist
Don't be so quick to say that! I, too, lost my friends in a way: to LTR's where they don't go out much. But Meetup saved my social life like you wouldn't believe. I have a lot of fun every weekend: from mellow no-alcohol board game nights, to a New Year party I didn't remember next morning, and everything in-between.
Heck, if it weren't for Meetup, I'd probably just settle down with the next available woman, and be done with it. At least then I'd fit in with my friends, rather than become "that guy".
I liked this post. Circumstances changed your friends network and you found a way to make new friends or acquaintances. We have Meetup here in our area but it isn't used a whole lot. But if you follow that, newspapers (seriously) as they list things that are going on in the area, etc, it can be a help.
Good luck to all of you working on staying active and relevant. I am 73 and my husband and I are somewhat isolated but, we manage. We are self employed and that doesn't lend itself to a lot of interaction with others. I worry about him when I am gone as he is not a social person but, who knows, he might be just fine.......<s>
I feel like the most alone person on the planet often. No parents. No sibs. No kids.
I used to work in group homes and I often wonder if I could set up a group home for those "over retirement age " with a "disability. " They often end up in nursing homes but I don't want that! I want a more tight knot Golden Girls situation.
Do you think this concept could catch on or would anyone here be interested in the same?
I feel like the most alone person on the planet often. No parents. No sibs. No kids.
I used to work in group homes and I often wonder if I could set up a group home for those "over retirement age " with a "disability. " They often end up in nursing homes but I don't want that! I want a more tight knot Golden Girls situation.
Do you think this concept could catch on or would anyone here be interested in the same?
That sounds strangely appealing, even though I don't have a disability. (Unless, of course, you count fear of relationships.) But I'm 33. So maybe in another 33 years, lol. In the meantime, other social channels do a good job of fulfilling the community role for me.
I feel like the most alone person on the planet often. No parents. No sibs. No kids.
I used to work in group homes and I often wonder if I could set up a group home for those "over retirement age " with a "disability. " They often end up in nursing homes but I don't want that! I want a more tight knot Golden Girls situation.
Do you think this concept could catch on or would anyone here be interested in the same?
I would be interested. With enough people there could be various levels of involvement to suit different personalities. (I'm not talking hundreds or anything). Not sure I'm ready to live in a group home with others but I would love to live next door and visit back and forth a lot.
I feel like the most alone person on the planet often. No parents. No sibs. No kids.
I used to work in group homes and I often wonder if I could set up a group home for those "over retirement age " with a "disability. " They often end up in nursing homes but I don't want that! I want a more tight knot Golden Girls situation.
Do you think this concept could catch on or would anyone here be interested in the same?
I think it would work for some, but not for me. First, I am an introvert. Second, I am VERY independent. Third, it has been my experience that most old people (I'm 63, btw) talk WAY too much about their health, which would bore me almost to death.
Based on our family histories, I will probably outlive my husband by at least ten years and live to be at least 80 (probably 90, unfortunately), but I would rather die than be forced into any kind of old age home, and I am NOT just saying that!
For those of you alone in life (as a pretty stable condition, not temporarily, not 20 years old not widowed or divorced with kids), do you find it a little embarrassing? I have and do struggle with this, especially when meeting people from my past but also in current life.
I just had a bit of a oh no moment. On facebook there was one of those ad pages things from some Health or something page about elder orphans . One of the comments was from some guy who supposedly counseled elder orphans who said that people need a plan and to try to make friends and didn't take his suggestions and he gave up.
I replied saying I wanted a plan but it was hard to do and oh by the way friends aren't going to talk care of you in your old age because they are busy taking care of family. If you are the type of friend who is considered family its probably a long term very special relationship and you can't just go out and make them.
One of my "friends" from high school liked my comment. She of the big house, husband and 3 grown boys, plus big extended family. So one I'm like omg all these people see my rants on all these news pages?
and two she now sees into my alone life and it feels really embarassing. Almost like shamed.
Why would you be embarrassed? There is less stigma for being unmarried than probably at any time in history. Plus which, we all know that just being married now certainly doesn't mean you're set for life, considering all the divorce. Or your friend may suddenly find herself a widow.
It's no big deal to have a "plan." Just think of things you might like to do, and look for avenues to find like-minded others. And one way to avoid man kinds of embarrassment is to stay away from Facebook.
I have two married friends who are in their late 60's. Both are only children and they never had children. I often wonder who will take care of them as they age. They have friends but will friends step up when they need help? They have some cousins, somewhere, but will cousins step in when they need help? Since they aren't close to the cousins, I doubt they'll be much help and their friends all have their families, with children and grandchildren.
I feel like the most alone person on the planet often. No parents. No sibs. No kids.
I used to work in group homes and I often wonder if I could set up a group home for those "over retirement age " with a "disability. " They often end up in nursing homes but I don't want that! I want a more tight knot Golden Girls situation.
Do you think this concept could catch on or would anyone here be interested in the same?
I've often thought that if I were ever single and old it may be a good situation to live with a group of other women my age. I guess it would depend upon who the women were and their habits and expectations.
Actually I thought about that one night when DH was out of town and I had to run over to my single neighbor's to have her help me pull my leather boots off! And I think about it when I can't get a bracelet or necklace fastened. LOL.
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At least then I'd fit in with my friends, rather than become "that guy".
