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I have realized I attract this type of person all the time and I'm curious to hear if anyone else does, and how you deal with them. I'm talking about the person who has hidden insecurities and doesn't believe that you really like them, and so they act passive-aggressive, controlling, and punishing towards you, basically ATTACKING you for not liking them. Meanwhile, I have no issue with these people (until they start acting crazy like this) and I am left bewildered as to what I did to cause them to lash out at me.
Their behavior towards me is so off-putting that I DO wall up to guard myself against them, which then reinforces their belief that I don't like them, and the whole situation gets worse.
Literally every time where I make the conscious decision to be extra sweet to them, despite the way they're treating me, they automatically switch into being happy and excited. It's then that I realize their whole monkey dance was just about them wanting positive attention/validation from me.
I WISH that people like this did not resort to such passive-aggressive tactics just to get something that I would have happily given them anyway. It's like they create a self-fulfilling prophecy that people "don't like them" by acting like absolute jerks towards the ones that they assume don't like them! I suppose I understand wanting to protect yourself against someone you think does not like you, but why go to such extremes?
Literally every time where I make the conscious decision to be extra sweet to them, despite the way they're treating me, they automatically switch into being happy and excited. It's then that I realize their whole monkey dance was just about them wanting positive attention/validation from me.
I think it's a personal weakness when someone wants everyone to like them. I really don't care if someone dislikes me, and I will be happy just to avoid them altogether. People who need constant validation from others are so annoying.
Status:
"This too shall pass. But possibly, like a kidney stone."
(set 2 days ago)
35,889 posts, read 18,195,824 times
Reputation: 50968
Stava, I think you've pretty much stumped the board with this one.
The lack of responses on the board from people who share your experience is interesting, since you state "I attract this type of person all the time".
I can't even picture what you're talking about here - I've never had anyone attack me because they think I don't like them. If anything, they kind of grow quiet and distant.
I suspect they're attacking you because you're treating them with such open hostility that they have to defend themselves to safe face. Your perception is that they're attacking out of a misperception that you don't like them - why are all those people misperceiving this? To the point that they attack you?
Can I offer that you put out VERY prickery vibes without realizing it somehow, then you get prickery vibes right back? And when you "go out of your way to be sweet" to someone, they're so relieved that today may be a better day and they won't have to avoid you or defend themselves, so they reward your courtesy by being extra solicitous?
I don't know you, so I'm just guessing - but the fact that this dynamic is a constant for you, maybe you could consider you're putting off very negative vibes.
I don't know you, so I'm just guessing - but the fact that this dynamic is a constant for you, maybe you could consider you're putting off very negative vibes.
That is a fair assumption. But in my experience that's not the case. What I have been told is that because I'm attractive and assertive, people assume I'm mean before actually getting to know me. I had one guy tell me that I reminded him of the "mean girls" in high school that rejected him and made his life hell, so before he knew me he assumed I was like that and was therefore really nasty to me. Once he got to know me he realized I wasn't like that and we finally became friends.
So it's like an automatic conclusion that many people seem to jump to about "how I am", before getting to know me.
That is a fair assumption. But in my experience that's not the case. What I have been told is that because I'm attractive and assertive, people assume I'm mean before actually getting to know me. I had one guy tell me that I reminded him of the "mean girls" in high school that rejected him and made his life hell, so before he knew me he assumed I was like that and was therefore really nasty to me. Once he got to know me he realized I wasn't like that and we finally became friends.
So it's like an automatic conclusion that many people seem to jump to about "how I am", before getting to know me.
In my experience, (I've had quite a lot of people around me) the assertive/attractive women can seem aloof and cold, thus giving the vibe of disliking the people around them. Some of them really do hate everyone, but in most cases they are thinking about their own thing/dealing with their own stuff and showing some sort of facial expression that everyone reads as unfriendliness. The only thing you probably need to do is look up and smile/smile as much as you can.
Stava, I've had this happen a few times. My sense in all the instances, was that they had a basic insecurity, and something about me was setting off their insecurity. Almost like...they bit me first, because they thought I was going to bite them.
The first couple of times it ever happened, I was hurt. But then when I started recognizing the problem, I'd just tell myself "They give me a lot of power by being afraid of me." And I'd have myself an inner smirk.
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, but in most cases they are thinking about their own thing/dealing with their own stuff and showing some sort of facial expression that everyone reads as unfriendliness. The only thing you probably need to do is look up and smile/smile as much as you can.
