graduation family drama- help! (wife, husband, talks, person)

[2martins]

Sister in law and Mother in law saw that other sister in law wasn't invited to my son's graduation.

first Mom in law sent me an email with sisters email address since I must not have it. I thanked her since I would definitely need it for an announcement.

MIL and SIL talk and decide (without talking to my husband or me) that they will invite the other sister anyway, assuming that I will cave in once she's already been invited since uninviting her will hurt her feelings.

Husband and I remain adamant she's not invited. Obviously, we have very good reason for this.

We tell MIL she needs to take care of it. Mother in law admits what she did was wrong and apologizes and SAYS she will take care of it but then procrastinates and talks to other SIL again and hasn't done anything yet.

So then SIL tells my husband well I won't come if sister isn't invited. My wonderful husband replies, Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. We'll really miss you. So the next morning her husband emails me and tells me he won't photograph the ceremony as he promised to do months ago.

I told him that while I understood his wife not coming that he made a commitment to my son and the entire graduating class and that I expected him to honor his commitment.

He responded that well his first priority is MIL and SIL and maybe if we can repair our relationship he will be able to shoot the ceremony.

I reply that I am willing to forgive and forget if they apologize, fix the problem, and I expect him to honor his commitment.

So far no response. Totally pissed here. I can't find any advice on line pertaining to this because NO ONE DOESModerator cut: delete THIS!!!!

[longneckone]

Originally Posted by 2martins

So far no response. Totally pissed here. I can't find any advice on line pertaining to this because NO ONE DOES **** LIKE THIS!!!!

Unless someone is an only child with no cousins,Aunts or Uncle there likely will be some family drama. If you really need your BIL as a photographer you may want/need to back down. If you don;t HAVE to have him stand firm.

[Corvette Ministries]

People doModerator cut: orphaned that daily. The uninvitable family member is a guest of Mom and Sissy - not you - so go and enjoy the couple hours of your son's big day and give him a lesson in compassion he'll not likely get from school.

[Mattie]

Why are you making your son's graduation about YOU? It doesn't sound as though it's due to space constraints (tickets), so what's the big deal? And why would you send an announcement to anybody you deliberately want to keep away?

[rrah]

I fully expect to see a thread in the Relationships forum: Is it wrong I don't want my husband to go to my nephew's graduation?

While your BIL made a commitment to your son to photograph the event he made a commitment to his wife that is more important.

I'd never expect my BIL (and I have 3 of them) to show up under the circumstances you have described.

Your BIL is an adult. He gets to decide for himself if he follows through on a commitment. In the meantime I would be on the phone looking for another friend to take the photos and inform the school.

[Fifty Seven]

You should be able to take your own pictures at the ceremony. Don't let the BIL use that for leverage. Other than that though, there's a lot of petty stuff going on here that has nothing to do with the young man who is graduating. This might not be the situation you want to use to settle old rivalries or whatever it is you all are doing.

[HokieFan]

You do what needs to be done make your son's graduation day go smoothly. Your drama shouldn't affect his day. OP, you have two options:

1.) Concede the fight. Apologize, make nice, and invite SIL.

or

2.) Hire a different photographer.

Originally Posted by Mattie

And why would you send an announcement to anybody you deliberately want to keep away?

Yeah, that made me .

[ClaraC]

Unless you say - in a nutshell - what this dispute is about, I don't think you'll get as valuable information as you could. It's not "obvious" at all, to a reader, that there is a good reason.

I'm curious about what the issue is, due to the fact that one sister in law has stated she won't go without her sister, and you still thought that sister's husband would offer you the favor of photographing the graduation his wife is boycotting in support of her sister. You're really missing out on understanding family dynamics.

Since everyone is allied with your SIL, and you shouldn't expect a favor to be honored when they are all hurting for her, and it's your doing.

Usually, when a family member does something really agregious, it splits families and some agree with each side. No one is on your side.

Can you - briefly - describe what this disagreement is about? The whole family sides with your sister in law.

Edited to add: I do have a question. Is he the contracted photographer for the ceremony by the school? If so, the school will need to handle severing the contract. If he was only extending the favor he was offering your son to anyone else who was interested in his generosity?

[HokieFan]

Originally Posted by ClaraC

Unless you say - in a nutshell - what this dispute is about, I don't think you'll get as valuable information as you could. It's not "obvious" at all, to a reader, that there is a good reason.

I strongly sense I wouldn't agree with your side of this issue, due to the fact that one sister in law has stated she won't go without her sister, and you still thought that sister's husband would offer you the favor of photographing the graduation his wife is boycotting in support of her sister. You're really missing out on understanding family dynamics.

Everyone is allied with your SIL, and you shouldn't expect a favor to be honored when they are all hurting for her, and it's your doing.

Can you - briefly - describe what this disagreement is about? The whole family sides with your sister in law.

I disagree.

We know all we need to know. It doesn't matter who's right or who's wrong. An ultimatum has been issued.

Bottom Line: If she wants the one SIL to attend, and BIL to photograph the graduation, then she will need to concede - at least until graduation has passed.

[ClaraC]

Originally Posted by HokieFan

I disagree.

We know all we need to know. It doesn't matter who's right or who's wrong. An ultimatum has been issued.

Bottom Line: If she wants the one SIL to attend, and BIL to photograph the graduation, then she will need to concede - at least until graduation has passed.

I agree - but that's kind of like a logic problem:

SIL 1 doesn't attend therefore
SIL 2 doesn't attend therefore
BIL2 won't attend and photograph
resolved - allow SIL1 to attend or decide it's okay BIL doesn't photograph

The OP already knew that. Except, apparently that ship has sailed and now BIL won't photograph even though SIL1 is begrudgingly invited.

In my opinion, it's kind of more important what the issue was to begin with - because this issue isn't going to end at graduation. They are now ostracizing themselves from extended family and that's likely forever. IF SIL1 did something really unforgivable to a reasonable person and BIL was sticking up for her, I wouldn't want him there to photograph anyway.

But she does. Because . . . what? Because siding with the SIL isn't really an affront?

Lesson: If you want to snub a family member and enjoy watching her squirm as everyone else in the family participates in the snub, you better hope she has no one on her side. She misread this, and it makes her look foolish and now she's out a photographer her son and others were counting on. And no one from dad's side of the family is coming to his graduation party. Poorly played, OP.