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I agree with the above, i.e. "circumstances." But why run down such friendships and put up a woeful emo?
Is length the measure of "true friendship"? Like "true love" and lots of "true" this and that, I think it's a bunch of airy-fairy nonsense. The measure of "true" is clearly going to be subjective, and often seems to be unrealistic...when not downright self-serving.
If someone is a wonderful, close, supportive friend during the armed services, college or some other phase of life and then goes his/her way afterward, what is wrong with that? Why denigrate a wonderful relationship that existed under certain/special circumstances but has not lasted outside those circumstances?
It isn't "true" friendship because the person didn't stay glued to my hip after these circumstances changed? How thoroughly ungrateful, and unrealistic!
It seems to me that much of our psychological pain comes from our resisting the fact that life is movement.
You change more in the five years after leaving school than you do for the rest of your life. Your tastes, your ambition, your priorities, whatever, can be radically different from the time you are clutching your diploma. And the same is true for many of the people in your life.
It's easy to be friends in college or high school. Life is undemanding, save for the artificial world of academia. But when you start to work, start to pay rent, start to pay for your own car repairs, and the entire panoply of adult life, then what's important to you and your friends start to change. Slowly perhaps, by degrees probably, but the changes that accrue over those selfsame five years become huge. So over that span of time, the gulf between you and your friend becomes wider and wider, and it's often hard to bridge the gap.
My wife had a large number of sorority sisters. They were really tight when we began dating. They used to have their girls' weekends at the beach. But over time, they stopped asking her, chiefly because my wife just wasn't into the three-day boozefests that characterized their get-togethers. Mind you, she can still party with the best of them. But waking up every morning with a hangover just wasn't her idea of fun any more. So the invitations stopped.
So, all motion is relative. Sometimes people grow apart because both parties are moving in different direction. And sometimes it happens because one of them is standing still.
Move on. They did. Never let someone else float your boat...ie: build your own yacht
PS: I'm an old man, and can count my friends with three fingers. This person has taught you something invaluable..they are not one on those three fingers, and never would be.
Location: San Ramon, Seattle, Anchorage, Reykjavik
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cindyallen4
I was very close with a friend in college for about ~5 years and after college they moved to a city 1 hour away. I noticed after that happened it was always me trying to reach out and make plans and my friend was either busy most of the time or started to wait until something better came along to commit.
Anytime that we did get together this person would bring another friend even though he and that friend would always hangout without me (we used to always hangout alone in the past but not anymore).
Why did we drift apart? Does this usually happen after college? We barely even speak now and it makes me sad. I basically just stopped reaching out after I said I missed this person (last ditch effort I guess) and the friendship is pretty much dead now.
All you had in common was college. Move on and find new friends. This is a part of growing up.
It happens all parts of your life. You'll find friends drift in and out. The older I get the more I work at holding onto my friendships and cultivating new friendships.
The older you get the harder it is to meet people. I have even reconnected with old high school friends that I haven't spoken to in years.
It's surprising to read so many tales of the blissful college experience and all the friendships.
That's probably because I attended a college whose classrooms were in the center of a big city and no dorms. There was a campus in the 'burbs that featured a baseball diamond and, as far as I know, nothing else. No football team and I'm not sure whether there was a gymnasium for the basketball team or the team used the same arena that was used by the professional team in town.
My typical day was classes in the AM, then rush to work, 35 hrs. a week in a grocery store. So there was no real college social experience. There were college classmates who were friends but they came from childhood and high school days.
It's funny that so many posters relish their college days while sharing negative stories about high school. To me, high school days were the times that were carefree, blissful, and filled with friendship.
I had a good friend in high school that was very sad about graduation and all that came with it. As we neared graduation and he was worried that we'd all drift apart, he would always say "it's like all your friends are dying and there's nothing you can do about it"
It was sad to hear that from his perspective just because he was being so dramatic about it, but I found this was what I felt after graduating college.
It wasn't the friends that were dying, though. It was the friendships.
I realized after HS that many of my "friends" were just circumstantial. This was true to a lesser extent in college.
There wasn't a conscious effort to exclude anyone, it just happens - both ways.
It's not like the friendships weren't "real" or that the people were "fake" or anything like that. I enjoyed my time with these people and learned a lot, especially in college. It's just hard to keep a connection with several people that have moved and all have their own significant others and full time jobs etc...
I was very close with a friend in college for about ~5 years and after college they moved to a city 1 hour away. I noticed after that happened it was always me trying to reach out and make plans and my friend was either busy most of the time or started to wait until something better came along to commit.
Anytime that we did get together this person would bring another friend even though he and that friend would always hangout without me (we used to always hangout alone in the past but not anymore).
Why did we drift apart? Does this usually happen after college? We barely even speak now and it makes me sad. I basically just stopped reaching out after I said I missed this person (last ditch effort I guess) and the friendship is pretty much dead now.
One of the sadder transitions to adult life.
In college you have a built-in commonality. Everyone is in essentially the same boat, of the same age, and can connect easily because you live so close and who doesn't like to party at that age.
After college it's just the wedge of life that drives people apart....even the most well-meaning of friends.
I graduated 9 years ago and I talk to 3 college pals regularly, which I feel is quite good. We rarely hang out though because we all live in different states.
It's not like the friendships weren't "real" or that the people were "fake" or anything like that. I enjoyed my time with these people and learned a lot, especially in college. It's just hard to keep a connection with several people that have moved and all have their own significant others and full time jobs etc...
This^^^ Drifting apart doesn't necessarily mean that you're no longer friends, but your relationship has changed. Maybe they're not the shoulder to cry on anymore, but they are good for a cup of coffee or a beer if you're in their neck of the woods. I think of them like books on the shelf. I'm probably not going to read them again, but I like knowing they're there and I look at them fondly.
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