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That's not exactly an easy thing to swallow. that's actually pretty awful.
It's not awful, it's just a fact. It's only awful if you measure yourself by the affection you receive. Don't do that. Measure yourself by your own objective character qualities. Because in the final analysis, that is who you are.
Your parents did not love all their kids equally. And you won't either. It's not possible. You will love different aspects of each of your children very intensely, and you will dislike or even hate other aspects. How could it be otherwise? It can't. So if one child contains more of your values than the other, or if you see yourself more in one than the other, you will gravitate a bit. Human nature. Doesn't mean you won't die for any of your kids. You probably will.
But once you notice that you don't like one of your kids as much as the other, you have information. Now you should watch yourself and make sure that imbalance in affection doesn't lead to a noticeable discrepancy in objective treatment. You might have to make more of a conscious effort with the least favorite to provide the upbringing that you morally obligated yourself to when you decided to bring new life into the world.
I'd get treated the same, especially after coming out, so I did myself a favor and distanced myself.
My brother is 16 and has gotten in more legal trouble in one year than I have in my 20yrs on earth. He actually HAS some form of a minor record, mine is squeaky clean. He'd get expelled and nobody cares, I'd get ISS and they're ready to ground me for life. I have no idea why my troublesome brother is treated significantly better than me, but I don't care anymore. I move on with my life. I'm doing me, my brothers and I communicate (cause he IS my little brother and hasn't hurt me), but I've really been letting blood go. It's not my fault certain things happened the way they are and I'm too old to be guilt tripped 24/7.
Letting them go was the best thing I could do mentally and I suggest you do the same. It'll hurt at first, but you'll do better mentally and it'll be worth it in the long run.
I don't believe that today's quick fix of divorcing your parents is a healthy solution. If you don't learn how to stay connected to people who don't always agree with you or do things your way and if you don't learn the art of healing from within (not expecting others to change so you can feel better) you will eventually come to the same dead end with the new "family" you create to replace your blood family. I've watched this become an unhealthy cycle in many peoples' lives. If they aren't physically beating you it's possible that there is something to be learned by practicing detached love.
I believe it's a crucial skill to have.
I've lived seven decades and I've seen an awful lot of pain and havoc wreaked by not taking the time to learn tolerance and letting go of "me first." Congratulations to the OP for wanting to manage her relationship with her family! It's a refreshing sign of mental health and a step away from the new narcissism.
When we give others what we need from them we are patiently teaching them. The trick is to not give so much that we deplete our resources. Hence - detachment and reducing expectations to reasonable levels.
I don't believe that today's quick fix of divorcing your parents is a healthy solution. If you don't learn how to stay connected to people who don't always agree with you or do things your way and if you don't learn the art of healing from within (not expecting others to change so you can feel better) you will eventually come to the same dead end with the new "family" you create to replace your blood family. I've watched this become an unhealthy cycle in many peoples' lives. If they aren't physically beating you it's possible that there is something to be learned by practicing detached love.
I believe it's a crucial skill to have.
I've lived seven decades and I've seen an awful lot of pain and havoc wreaked by not taking the time to learn tolerance and letting go of "me first." Congratulations to the OP for wanting to manage her relationship with her family! It's a refreshing sign of mental health and a step away from the new narcissism.
When we give others what we need from them we are patiently teaching them. The trick is to not give so much that we deplete our resources. Hence - detachment and reducing expectations to reasonable levels.
Emotional damage can be just as bad, if not worse than, physical abuse. I don't know what good it does a person to purposely stay with people hurting them mentally, putting them down emotionally just for the hell of it. Blood shouldn't be the determining factor in putting up with damaging relationships, something a lot of people need to learn.
Especially if you've done nothing deserving of the behavior, at said point you're just hurting yourself putting up with someone who enjoys putting you down for ****s and giggles. That, in my opinion, is sickening and we live in a world where physical bruises are the only ones that count.
. . . we live in a world where physical bruises are the only ones that count.
You know that's not true. Open any magazine or read online and all you see are stories of emotional abuse. Everybody's emotionally abused these days.
Damaged for life, a victim. In the process I see very few learning how to be emotionally resilient. Some become professional victims.
It's all well and good to go through a stage of recognizing that you've been victimized and owning it. But it's important at some point to learn how not to be a victim anymore. I see, all too often the advice to people being victimized, or perceiving that they are being victimized (we use that word pretty loosely these days) is to quit the job, stop talking to that person, move out of town, etc.
I wonder at what point a person is willing to stand up and practice not being a victim at the source of their victimization. They might discover that it wasn't as powerful as they thought it was once they had some skills at managing their own thoughts and feelings.
I grew up in what I thought was an emotionally damaging environment but once I gained the practice and skills to set limits with my parents and have an equal adult relationship with them we were able to finish out their last fifteen years or so with some degree of closeness which gave me a great deal of satisfaction and confidence in my other relationships as well.
I couldn't have learned how to do that if I had run away from the problem and would have just carried that vulnerability with me, I think.
I feel so very encouraging about this for other people. The rewards have been great.
But it takes hard emotional work and patience. And time. Maybe people don't value other people enough any more to invest in them?
You sound very thoughtful and rational. I am hoping that you are reading this less as criticism and more as encouragement. It's something to keep in mind for later in life, maybe?
You know that's not true. Open any magazine or read online and all you see are stories of emotional abuse. Everybody's emotionally abused these days.
Damaged for life, a victim. In the process I see very few learning how to be emotionally resilient. Some become professional victims.
It's all well and good to go through a stage of recognizing that you've been victimized and owning it. But it's important at some point to learn how not to be a victim anymore. I see, all too often the advice to people being victimized, or perceiving that they are being victimized (we use that word pretty loosely these days) is to quit the job, stop talking to that person, move out of town, etc.
I wonder at what point a person is willing to stand up and practice not being a victim at the source of their victimization. They might discover that it wasn't as powerful as they thought it was once they had some skills at managing their own thoughts and feelings.
I grew up in what I thought was an emotionally damaging environment but once I gained the practice and skills to set limits with my parents and have an equal adult relationship with them we were able to finish out their last fifteen years or so with some degree of closeness which gave me a great deal of satisfaction and confidence in my other relationships as well.
I couldn't have learned how to do that if I had run away from the problem and would have just carried that vulnerability with me, I think.
I feel so very encouraging about this for other people. The rewards have been great.
But it takes hard emotional work and patience. And time. Maybe people don't value other people enough any more to invest in them?
You sound very thoughtful and rational. I am hoping that you are reading this less as criticism and more as encouragement. It's something to keep in mind for later in life, maybe?
Maybe, but I feel it better to let some people go. Some, like you, feel rewarded by having a relationship with your parents. Others, like myself, feel it better to cut them out. At this point, it's personal experience and yours shows you value the relationship more than the damage. Nothing wrong with that, but understand that's not a realistic option for some. Especially those with narcissistic parents, its a literal hell at that point.
And I meant what I said with bruises. Nobody really cares if the people doing the damage are your parents and blood, and if the damage isn't done physically. It takes more work to explain to people why you cut a so-called loving parent off than anyone else. Especially a mother, and I know from experience. I tried to be nice with the woman for years but I had enough, cut her off, and plays victim, now everyone's bitching at me and i learned that less people care to listen, if at all, if everything done was emotional. I've watched friends struggle with the same thing and the only ones given any true support are the ones with physical scars. The rest of us are told to toughen up or told it wasn't that bad if we weren't hit.
I'm young and have watched this a lot where I initially grew up, so I know I'm biased but I've learned the hard way that not all abuses are treated the same.
Maybe, but I feel it better to let some people go. Some, like you, feel rewarded by having a relationship with your parents. Others, like myself, feel it better to cut them out. At this point, it's personal experience and yours shows you value the relationship more than the damage. Nothing wrong with that, but understand that's not a realistic option for some. Especially those with narcissistic parents, its a literal hell at that point.
And I meant what I said with bruises. Nobody really cares if the people doing the damage are your parents and blood, and if the damage isn't done physically. It takes more work to explain to people why you cut a so-called loving parent off than anyone else. Especially a mother, and I know from experience. I tried to be nice with the woman for years but I had enough, cut her off, and plays victim, now everyone's bitching at me and i learned that less people care to listen, if at all, if everything done was emotional. I've watched friends struggle with the same thing and the only ones given any true support are the ones with physical scars. The rest of us are told to toughen up or told it wasn't that bad if we weren't hit.
I'm young and have watched this a lot where I initially grew up, so I know I'm biased but I've learned the hard way that not all abuses are treated the same.
Having grown up with an abusive sibling, I've learned a skill over the years.....when someone (no matter who it is) treats me badly I indulge in a bit of self-pity initially as its very tough to prevent this little reaction. You can't ignore all injustice after all. Let the inner child do some sniveling to get that out of the way. Once that's past I vow NEVER to treat anyone else like that in future. Silently say to the abuser "wow, thanks for showing me how not to treat someone". Chalk the event up to a lesson in compassion. Once I know how to avoid stooping to that level, I end up feeling stronger and a better person. Instead of ending up feeling belittled, you can end up feeling better. I don't mean that you should put yourself in harm's way, just to find a way to turn the whole situation around into something the abuser didn't intend.
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