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DH and I bought a lot in a southern state a few years ago. The intent was to "some day" build a house on it. DH decided to take early retirement. He is 63. This is the scenario: DH's son (31) and DIL live in that same southern city/state with their young child, and they are about to have another child. DH's sister and BIL also live in the same city/state. DH and I have one bio son together. He is 21 and going into his senior year of college. We have talked to DS about possibly moving down south with us after college. He says no, that he likes New England too much. He also has close friends from high school who will probably return to the area after college, but who knows. DS has been interning for the past two summers at a company around here, and there's a good possibility they may offer him a job after college. But, who knows? DH and I are at odds right now. It would be different if DS had graduated college, had a job, had his own place or even had an apartment and lived with someone. But that is not the case.....at least, not now. I think DH is jumping the gun. I want to stay here in our own house for a few more years.....at least until I know DS is somewhat "settled." I should say that DS is very close to us and we have a good relationship. It would feel to me as if I were abandoning him.
It would not be as if we were a couple of hours away if anything went wrong. Being 22 and just graduating from college is not being 25 with a steady job and more friends.
Has anyone been in this situation? Recommendations? Suggestions?
I was in something similar a decade ago as the son still in college.
Dad was laid off from his manufacturing job when he was 50 and I was 21-22, finishing college, at home some but not all the time. He found a job, but his pay was cut by about 40%. He didn't want to leave because I was still in college and he claimed his parents were "old" (they were early 70s and healthy then).
Ten years later, he's never made it back to what he was making before, his parents really are old now (in their early 80s with some problems), and I've spent most of the last five years living in the Midwest because I couldn't find a decent job here in Tennessee. They decided to "dig into" a struggling area after their salaries and job security declined, largely based on family factors that either weren't even a problem then (the parents) or changed in a few years anyway (me moving to the Midwest due to the bad local economy). It's been a hard decade for them. If they had left a decade ago to a healthier area, they would be in a lot better shape now.
Your son will learn to adapt. At 21, you are an adult and should be capable of doing your daily business without assistance. If you can and want to help him with an apartment or other expenses until he gets a job, that's fine. If you want to move south and it's reasonable to do so now otherwise, I would go ahead and go now. The thing is that the more you delay, the more life will happen and the more likely it is you just stay in place.
I hear your concerns. But your son is an adult and is old enough to make his own decisions. How is this different than him going to a college 500 miles away from home?
A second thought is are you building your life around your son?
It sounds like a perfect time to move. After college, no one in my family moved back home, we all had jobs while in college and apartments and wanted to be independent. It's a good incentive for him to make plans for his future.
You're not abandoning him, you are helping him leave the nest. He can always come live with you in the new house if he has to. You can help him prepare for life as a young responsible adult by showing him how much he needs to save to get that first apartment and car when he graduates.
My advice is that you have to let them go sometime. It sounds like your son has a good life path set
As to whether you and husband move south, it may not be the right time for you but right for him. Or it may be that you move and along with the many return halfway or back home when the new wears off. Or he may get down there and not like it.
Just saying these are two different issues. And they need to be worked separately
Time to go do your own thing. My daughter just finished her freshman year in college 1,000 miles away and she told me to take my empty nest anywhere I want to and not worry about her. She has moved out and will likely continue to live in the town where her college is.
What is your son's viewpoint? Go with whatever he says and believe him.
I hear your concerns. But your son is an adult and is old enough to make his own decisions. How is this different than him going to a college 500 miles away from home?
A second thought is are you building your life around your son?
I agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KaraG
It sounds like a perfect time to move. After college, no one in my family moved back home, we all had jobs while in college and apartments and wanted to be independent. It's a good incentive for him to make plans for his future.
You're not abandoning him, you are helping him leave the nest. He can always come live with you in the new house if he has to. You can help him prepare for life as a young responsible adult by showing him how much he needs to save to get that first apartment and car when he graduates.
I agree.
Now, it would be different if your son had just graduated from HS a week ago, or a few weeks ago, and was living at home without a job or without plans for college or additional schooling, but that is not the case. Let him grow up.
And people wonder why 20 somethings have a hard time adjusting to being an adult. He's not a toddler, let him go. He sounds like he's less worried about it than you are. You have to cut the apron strings sooner or later.
DH and I bought a lot in a southern state a few years ago. The intent was to "some day" build a house on it. DH decided to take early retirement. He is 63. This is the scenario: DH's son (31) and DIL live in that same southern city/state with their young child, and they are about to have another child. DH's sister and BIL also live in the same city/state. DH and I have one bio son together. He is 21 and going into his senior year of college. We have talked to DS about possibly moving down south with us after college. He says no, that he likes New England too much. He also has close friends from high school who will probably return to the area after college, but who knows. DS has been interning for the past two summers at a company around here, and there's a good possibility they may offer him a job after college. But, who knows? DH and I are at odds right now. It would be different if DS had graduated college, had a job, had his own place or even had an apartment and lived with someone. But that is not the case.....at least, not now. I think DH is jumping the gun. I want to stay here in our own house for a few more years.....at least until I know DS is somewhat "settled." I should say that DS is very close to us and we have a good relationship. It would feel to me as if I were abandoning him.
It would not be as if we were a couple of hours away if anything went wrong. Being 22 and just graduating from college is not being 25 with a steady job and more friends.
Has anyone been in this situation? Recommendations? Suggestions?
Well, it's gonna take you a year to 'build' anyway, so do that and sell/move in a year AS he is graduating college. perfect plan.
abandoning him? If he's 22 with a degree & internship/job, apartment, and can't buy his own plane ticket (to come visit) then you haven't done a good job raising him!! (I'd rather think you have- GO enjoy retirement!!!)
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